Sunday at 6:06 Freewrite

Water Lilly from our kayaking at Triangle Lake yesterday. I needed this reboot more than I knew.

I have not had a freewrite in a while. I wrote more last month when I was in the throes of that fitness walking class that was so much work. It took me a week to recover from the adrenaline of the intensity of May...really the intensity of April and getting ready and going to Northern Cyprus, coming back and battling jet lag and allergies from the trees in Amsterdam (all worth it IMHO - such a beautiful night walk), and then spending that whole week trying to navigate the mess of a class that I inherited. Then executing and loving the students once again. That is why I was there. I also loved my coworkers, but then I had to deal with not having a goodbye. So, I finally wrote my boss and asked him why I didn't even get a goodbye (let alone a send off which people who work more hours than me would get). I wrote the email and then deleted it, but my boss saw it before I deleted it, and he was so apologetic. It turns out he is also leaving, and there was some unspoken drama with that. 

So, I am glad I left because I would have gotten a boss who would have been a toss-up (although I have a feeling KK will probably apply, and she would be an awesome boss to work for). He was SO COMPLIMENTARY in our talk (he called me right away and kept calling - but I was in Centering Prayer and another obligation). It was a tearful day for me, but I ended up being so affirmed. Then he made a video saying goodbye and telling people he, too, was leaving and sent it to the whole staff. I guess I am glad that I sent it, but it is a little embarrassing to be so vulnerable.

Then I realized that I had not heard from my other job people, and I saw that a new person had been added to the extended team of people, and I wondered if they needed me. I also found out that I had been switched to another partner. This was all done with no communication, and I wondered if something was up. This group is something I had wondered whether I should continue with. All that to say is that there was a little bit of "Do they want me, even? They have a new person (whom I adore). Do they want and need me?" So my boss said, "What do you want? This is about your desire." I realized I really DO want to continue, but I want more communication and more involvement. So, I had a lot of communication back and forth and really am glad I am staying (I was really glad at the close of the last cohort, but then I heard nothing, and my "rejection triad" voice came back at me, "Maybe they don't want me and are just not telling me.")

Then I read in the Enneathought for today that is probably what happened to me:

"The spiritual journey is a process of gradually disidentifying with the personality and identifying with our Essence, our true self" (Understanding the Enneagram, 362).

(I see the "true self" as my true identity in Jesus.) 

"Spiritual progress involves seeing what is right under our noses--really what is right under the layers of our personality. Spiritual work is, therefore, a matter of subtraction, of letting go, rather than of adding anything to what is already present" (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 377).

That is why I love Centering Prayer. It is about Centering Prayer and only focusing our whole person on God, gazing at Him, and finding our identity only in Him. I love that.