I'm Free

Here is another free song that has been running through my mind lately:

Through You the blind will see
Through You the mute will sing
Through You the dead will rise
Through You all hearts will praise
Through You the darkness flees
Through You my heart screams I am free

Chorus:
I am free to run (I am free to run)
I am free to dance (I am free to dance)
I am free to live for You (I am free to live for You)
I am free (I am free)

Just another free song!

Three more:

Shawn McDonald says..
"I wanna be free, free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and learn and free oh, free to be me"

Chris Tomlin sings..
"Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free"

Ginny Owens sings...
Turnin' molehills into mountains
Makin' big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been
Afraid of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard And I'll fail
This is how it's been
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door
And You shouted joyfully
You're not a slave anymore!

CHORUS:

You're free to dance
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love
'Cause I've given you My love
And it's made you free
I have set you free!

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity and
Changed the course of history
Because You loved us so
And my heart cannot understand
How You accept me as I am
But You say You've always had a plan
And that's all I need to know
So when I am consumed With what the world will say
Then You're singing to me, as You remove my chains

Free from worry
Free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile

Life is a Promise, Fulfill It

Mary Beth said today that she looks forward to hearing where God will have me fly. She remembers the prophecy that was said by Denise Beckhart to me during Candidate School in AZ. It was in October of 1994. She had a vision of a bird in a cage, and God said that he wanted to take me out of the cage and hold me in the palm of his hands and let me fly. George and I knew that day that it is in relationship to Northwest Hills.

I felt like I flew in Malaysia. I was free and unencumbered, and it was so great. I came back to a dysfunctional church culture that I have never felt the love and grace to encourage me to fly. I want to fly, and I want to encourage other people to fly too.

So, when Mary Beth said that today, I remembered that Women Becoming women gave me this bird:

I truly believe this is a confirmation that we are doing the right thing. This bird has the Mother Teresa quote, "Life is a promise, fulfill it." This also goes along with the exhortation from you to "fulfill my ministry." Lord, I will miss the friends at Northwest Hills, but I really think it is time to fly out of the cage of Northwest Hills. The ending of Women Becoming really became the vehicle in which to do this. I finished well, and I know that you are proud of me. Thank you Lord for teaching me to fly.

Welcome to Love

This song is the one that is ministering to me so much these days:

Welcome to Love by Ginny Owens

You’re always peeking ‘round the corner
Prepared for battle at all times
So scared someone might steal your thunder
So scared you might be last in line
You forgot you can’t earn
What you do not deserve

Welcome to Love
Let it surround you feel its touch
You can give up on being good enough
Welcome to love

You face your demons in the mirror
You wonder how you’ll face the day
You think about how they perceive you
Your every move you calculate
You won’t care about these things
When you realize you’ve got all you need

The Lord has definitely surrounded me with His love, and I am in awe and humbled. I wish that I could hold this feeling of humilty fast. The Lord is good. Oh, so good.

Today was the first day of our adventure of finding a new fellowship. I went to Suburban Christian today, and I have to admit that I loved it. The worship was fabulous. The people were friendly. The sermon was meaningful. They have communion every Sunday! They had a drama prior to the communion service about what worship is. An elder read a little "mandate for fathers" that was very good.

What is weird is that they just started an outreach to internationals. The pastoral staff is going through The Peacemaker book. The women's ministry wants to start a discipleship ministry. The pastors wife invited me out to lunch with Carol Menken-Schaudt (I wonder if I will become "Little Carol" once again.). Their assistant pastor was on Campus Crusade staff.

Lord, could this be the place for us. I don't know why I am not more sad about leaving Northwest Hills, but I am just relieved more than anything. I feel almost giddy and happy.

God thank you for surrounding me with your presence. Maybe it will be like dad's death where I didn't really break down until about six weeks later. That might be when it gets really hard. As it is now, we have made a clean break. We went one week, and we are not going the next.

Emancipation

Well, we did it! We have officially left our church of 28 years. I went to see Ginny and Lorraine today, and Ginny looked at me at the lunch table and said, "You look like you have been emancipated!"

The thought of starting all over somewhere is the most wonderful thing. I will live a life of self-reflection as I move forward in faith and see God open up doors.

Maintaining Peace

I had something happen yesterday that was annoying to me. It was also hurtful, but nothing is going to shatter that peace. I have an immovable rock in our God. In the midst of the discouraging thing, two Mormon missionaries came to my door, and I was able to share with them the wonderful plan of Jesus Christ . . .period. Nothing added to it in the belief in a prophet like Joseph Smith. I was able to share with them my journey, and it was awesome. Praise God.

In the Well-Watered Soul department, I am wondering when the best time is to start the Romans study. I am waiting on setting up a plan with Kim and am looking forward to spending one-on-one time with her.

In the Well-Educated Mind department, I am loving my reading of The Kite Runner. I hope to finish that today.

So, I am off to a free day!

Perfect Peace

There is a Ginny Owens song "Let the Silence Speak" that I have been listening to lately. It typifies so beautifully where I am right now. One of the lines says:

"I will lead you to a place of perfect peace"

It speaks of God's calling us by name and waiting and leading. I have found this niche lately that has settled my soul into being still before Him and sensing the perfect peace of His presence. There isn't much filling up my space lately. So, I have had so much time to be still. In that He has been pleading for my heart, and He has it. In the silence speaking, it really has done what she says in her song:

Let is move you
Let it draw you into Me
Let it free you
Let it heal you
Let it speak

I don't say this to boast, but I say it to praise the God in whose presence I "live and move and have my being."

My brains are securely in my head and not at the door

Hee Hee. I just read another blog of a dear friend who believes that evangelicals have been sold a bill of goods about the miracles in the Bible. I love her to pieces, but I came to a different conclusion. I was just at the coast on Wednesday night. I sat there in such perfect peace and confidence in my God. He is real and He is relational. He is there; and yes, He speaks to me. Everyday.

Oh, I love her though, and there is power in love. :)

Loving Limbo Land

Had a major breakthrough in all areas. It is huge. I don't mind limboland at all. Life is an adventure. I am living life in "day-tight compartments," and it ain't so bad.

Thankful to be out of the fog!

Limbo Land

I am in Limbo Land since that last post. Thinking that the separation would be easy, it has become very hard and painful for me and my partner. SHOOT!

I want to escape, but I don't think I am to leave this ministry.

Abiding Fruitfulness

These are the women that I have talked on and off about all year. What an extremely challenging and "out of comfort zone" experience for me. It was out of my comfort zone but not out of my gifting. We each developed Personal Mission Statements and shared our dreams for the future. It was a fabulous time.
Now, I am getting floods of emails with each of these women sharing their excitement as they put feet to their vision and are flying.
- K (far left in the back) has a vision for "bringing love and hope for healing change for hurting people" and is starting a "Changes that Heal" group for women who have suffered with knowing that God really loves them. She is passionate for wholeness.
- K (back second from right) has a vision for "creating a nurturing and inclusive community for women of young children" and is starting a children's retail/resale clothing store in hopes it will become a place for young moms to gather and find support in this isolating time of life. She wants to have big couches and a safe place for the kids to play while there moms chat or listen to people speak on topics that pertain to their life stage. She and
- L(from left) are going to a retail space downtown today to check it out. L is a "put feet to ideas" sort of person and it helping K in the implementing of her dreams since her passion is "fostering healthy, mutually supportive communities where each woman can grow toward wholeness in Christ." In addition, L is wanting to get women together this summer to talk about what they are meditating and journaling about in Scripture.
- J (second from left in back) is going to start breast health workshops through churches in my town. She is starting with our group! She is an RN with a passion for "empowering women to be aware of their own breast health." The old way of breast self-examination is out, and she is on a mission to educate every woman that moves about the best and most effective means of self examination.
- N (second from left in front) has just started that coffee shop, and she has a vision for "presenting an authentic life empowered by her loving God" in the context of her new JJCoffee Shop and in her neighborhood near the shop.
- MA (back row, fourth from left). She has a passion for "teaching God's truth to young children in a loving, safe, and fun environment." She has been our four year old teacher for years, and this class affirmed her in her life long mission. She loves what she does, does it well, and has fun doing it! She wants to start mentoring younger women in her passion and may mentor D after she gets out of grad school!
- D (third from left in front) has a passion for "teaching children from all walks of life through loving and caring for them," no matter what their background. She loves the troublemakers and really wants to reach out in love to the whole family unit. She is getting her masters this following year and will be discipled by . . .
- R (fourth from left in front) who has a passion for "encouraging women toward growth and contentment in God's plan through shepherding, acts of hospitality and mercy. She hosts a monthly prayer time with young marrieds. She also meets to encourage women who are struggling with infertility since she took many years to get pregnant. (She is due in November!). I will have the privilege of shepherding her next year as she disciples D.
- M (third from right in front) has a passion for "brefriending, encouraging, and connecting women as they grow in their walk with Jesus Christ." She might be helping in recruiting for the next year's Women Becoming class that will start in Fall of 2007. She will be helping refine and develop the curriculum for the next class and when it starts will be the "right hand woman" of the woman who teaches the classes (either me or my partner).
- T (fifth from left or right in front) She has a passion for "authentically loving others in witness of being followers of Christ." She is twenty-eight years of maturity and dynamite, but she has no idea of where she will go next year. She works with her Young Singles class at church and would love to see discipleship in their class. She is still praying about career options for next year. If she sticks around, I would love to invest in her.
- D (Far right) She is a sweet servant and intercessor. She is praying through her neighborhood with K (they live a block away) and has a passion for "loving God, reconciling others to Him, sharing His word, praying, and demonstrating kindness" in her neighborhood and at her kids' school. She also might be teaming up with K for some things too. I am also teaming her up with a mentor soon.
- C (third from left in back) She is a brain, higly intellectual, and has a passion for "preparing women to give considered account of their beliefs: theologically, historically, and personally." She may teach a basic doctrine class for women next year but often has a hard time putting feet to her ideas. I think my partner will be helping her since she is very good at that!
- My infamous partner, M (sixth from left in front). She has apassion for "taking life in Jesus Christ to the Women of the Nations." She will be going to Brazil with our college pastor to add a "women's dimension" and will be taking another trip to India. She will also be helping with a once a month follow-up course with our pastor for the women in this class and men in his class who are interested in continuing in leadership development.
- Me (the tallest one). My vision is to "shepherd women toward abiding fruitfulness in Christ through relational evangelizing, establishing, equipping, and encouraging." And this picture speaks of how I have put feet to a part of my passion!
That is what I have been thinking about and doing lately!

Flying?

I am in the mood for new colors and new fonts and new sizes of the letters. I want to spread my wings and fly and be out of the box that I have been putting myself in over the last few months.

I had to admit that I didn't respect someone yesterday. I feel like I have hid behind this all year. The issues are the issues, and I need to face them head-on.

Oh my, help me to fly, Lord. Please help me to fly.

Too Long - It has been almost two months

I don't know how everyone keeps up on these things. I usually journal a ton in my writing journal. Not sure why I don't here. I don't think anyone reads this. So, I guess it doesn't matter that I am not journaling anyway. It is my place to go to when I want to go.

School has gone so well. We are almost at the end of the school year and our five year cycle of World History. We started this journey when Michael was in Second Grade by going through the whole span of history in one big year. WOW! It was a whirlwind, and I thought that I would love to go at a slower pace and really relish it all.

Then, Kimberly gave me the manuscript to The Story of the World Volume I - Ancient Times. Back in October of 2001. It was so great. Here is is 2006, and I have about fifty more years of World History to go. What a satisfying things to go through the whole span of history and find how much I have learned with my kids.

I hate it when I get these stupid anonymous posts on this BLOG from people who are concerned about the "socialization" of my children. My kids are getting plenty of socialization AND they are getting a very good history education. History is so important for teaching values and such. It is so great. I wouldn't trade these years for anything, and I really don't believe my kids are losing anything in the process. They are only gaining.

So, I think I am raising little environmentalist (more conservationist), civil rights activist, pro-women, anti-war, anti-nuclear weapons, pro-life, pro-Native American men. Paul asked me today the difference between Republican and Democrats, and then he asked me what I was. I have to say I better switch back to Independent. I really think that this more accurately reflects where I really am. I think independently rather than being in the hip-pocket of any one political party. I am pro-Jesus. How abut the pro-Jesus party?

My reading of late has been A Prayer for Owen Meany, Atonement, The Land of Sheltered Promise, and The Road from Coorain. Owen Meany was sort of bizarre. Lots of bad language, but the concept was so unusual. I gave it a 7 at book club, not because I liked the language though. Atonement was really good. It had a bit of bad language though, but the writing was excellent. I was surprised to see such style in a modern day popular writer. The Road from Coorain was a fascinating look at a woman who was raised in the Australian Outback with a mother who experiences loss and drifts into control of her children. It was very good. Really enjoyed learning about another part of the world. The Land of Sheltered Promise has been sort of a syrupy Christian fiction novel, but it is holding a special place in my heart because it is reminding me about my time with Young Life at Malibu Beyond. It also has a composite couple names Gail and Isaac Barlett that are based on Gwen and Iral Barrett. Gwen was the woman who rescued me out of the depths when I had a breakdown half my life ago. I has been special to read and reflect upon that dark time of my life.

TrapdoorSociety continues to be a good place for me to be. I went to Baton Rouge, LA with sixteen other women from Indiana, Minnesota, North Carolina, South Carolina, Maryland, Pennsylvania, California, Washington, Texas, Illinois, Ohio, Georgia, Florida, and Louisianna. It was really good. I loved the time with these precious women, and I pretty much got one-on-one time with every single one. Some longer and more in-depth that others. It was special. It was very special. We talked and laughed and analyzed till we were blue in the face. I loved every minute of it.

I have three more weeks of Women Becoming, and it has been a very good year. There are three more weeks to go; and as I reflect, I am very grateful for the opportunity that I have had to be a part of it. I am thankful that Martha asked me to be a part. It has been hard at some points working with her, but I have really learned to develop a thicker skin, and I am also learning much through the pruning. I am still trying to figure out what my role will be in the whole process of this though. Still praying and waiting for a miracle answer to my dilemma, but I am so grateful for this year and the women that God has allowed me to become involved with.

Well, it is 11:30 p.m. I didn't realize it was so late. It has been a much better day today than yesterday. I am praying for a solution to this dilemma.

"My Day"

The last couple of days, we have been learning about The Great Depression and The New Deal. That has led us into a mini-character study of Eleanor Roosevelt.



WOW! I love that woman and wouldn't mind reading some other things on her life from some adult books. We read Eleanor with story and pictures by Barbara Cooney. They were beautiful illustrations. This dealt more with her early life. The other one was a simple "Step into Reading" book called Eleanor Everywhere: The Life of Eleanor Roosevelt. One thing that struck me was that she wrote a daily newspaper column called "My Day." In it, she worte about the things she saw while traveling around the country. She wrote about what was going on in the White House.

I had JUST been saying to myself that I should write about my day in a Easter letter for our friends (I prayed through our Christmas letters this morning. So, it made me think of this.) So, it was funny to see that Eleanor Roosevelt had the same idea. I also thought that that is what I am doing on this blog. I am just talking about "My Day." For me, it is nothing profound, but I like it.

One thing that I noticed about all the letters we read were all the sports and activities that people talk about in their letters. Their kids are busy. George and I were joking about how our letter would read. It isn't nearly exciting, but we LOVE our time together. Our kids are happy and enjoy school, enjoy their little group of friends, enjoy God and church, enjoy their tennis and swimming (Michael) and walks with mom (Paul) and hikes with Dad. Nothing very exciting about "My Day," but I feel like we are doing just what God has for us to do everyday. Nothing too overly busy or exciting, just life and love of four people and their friends and family.

So, about Eleanor. I guess I didn't realize the SHE was the one that more closely related to Teddy Roosevelt. FDR was a distant cousin of Eleanor. Thus, why they had the same last name! I didn't realize when I read the book Eleanor yesterday that her "Uncle Ted" that she so enjoyed visiting as a child was THE Teddy Roosevelt. She was her direct uncle. So, that was something new.

I just loved her care for the poor and less advantaged. She had a sad (albeit wealthy) life, but she gave back and overcame her sadness and her fears to make something so significant of her life. That was so inspiring. Paul said, "I can hear your crying voice, Mom!" Yes, I was crying toward the end of her life. A life well-lived is always a sentimental inspiration for me.

Right now, we are listening to Emily's Runaway Imagination. It was another one of those books that I had to convince them to listen to. I thought they would jump at it with it being a Beverly Cleary book, but they were biting. All it took was the first chapter on CD, and they were begging for me. I love this story of a girl in Yamhill County, OREGON in the 1920's. She is trying to start a library in Pitchfork (fictitious town), Oregon. So, fun! We are on chapter four right now.

We are stopping at the New Deal. We have set the stage for World War II by looking at the rise of Fascism in Italy, Naziism in Germany, Hirohito in Japan, and Russian Communism in China. We will take a break until the spring from the march of history. In the meantime, we are going to try to read some novels and biographies. I think George will read about Eric Liddel to the boys at night. I did a bit of his life from the Hero Tales II book by Dave and Neta Jackson. I love those vignettes they have of Christian heroes. I had thought of selling these books, but I might save them for any grandchildren that I might have.

Personally, I am also learning about the Holocaust and the rise of Israel through the autobiography of Elie Wiesel. It is called All Rivers Run to the Sea. I am about half way through and will be discussing it with Nikki in late March.

Well, the chapter is almost through, and we still have to finish our science for today.

The rest of today is really FREE. I am thankful!

Looks like
Homeschool
Wash sheets
Call Mom and maybe Jennifer Hellberg? Nikki?
Reading
Listen to Basic Theology
Bible Reading and meditation/prayer
Do Holy Spirit Bible Study
Prayer walk
Dinner Prep - What was it that I said we would have for Sabbath?
Olympics! (Work on "Inner Life" stuff for next year's Women Becoming while I am watching)

Saturday
NO BOOK CLUBS or OBLIGATIONS
1 p.m. Lunch with Teala downtown
6:30 p.m. Dessert with Greg and Ava (new neighbors)
I might bake some bread for our two new neighbors too.

Now what was I going to say

I came here intent on something profound to say, and I can't remember what it is. I am hopeless at remembering things lately.

Oh well. :)

Carol

Singing the Praises of Brainpop

I know that I have mentioned www.brainpop.com on this blog before, but we sat and watched about five movies today after we studied about genetics in our Usborne Science Encyclopedia. I can't tell you what a great augment it has been to my homeschooling and my own self-education. It is worth every penny of the $70 yearly subscription fee. Today we watched movies about genes, genetic mutation, DNA, diabetes, hair, skin, nails. After each quiz there is a ten questions quiz that reinforces what we just learned. At that point, you can print the quiz out and put it in your kids' notebooks OR you can have the results of your quiz sent to you email so that you can have an electronic record of their progress. So slick!

The movie selection is enormous. In addition to science movies, there are movies on every part of history. We also watch the technology movies. The other day we watched one on the MP3 player. Haven't you always wondered what they REALLY are?

There are also some excellent movies on puberty and thing like your period. They are very tastefully done.

The only drawback is they have an evoluationary bent. This isn't uncommon in any secular science curriculum and can easily be discussed with your kids.

Great site!

Carol

I read my book, visited with Nancy and dropped off her stuff, ran with George. I also spent another hour on my Jesus study. So, I just need to clean and do some more Bible study.

I haven't overeaten either! I am trying so hard to stay in my eating!!! So, George made some Valentine's Sugar Cookies, and I am resisting since I had some boysenberry sorbet after dinner. (Dinner was heart-shaped pizza).

Maybe I will get up early and clean instead of tonight!

Learning and Growing

Learned about the ear and balance today and watched two or three brainpop movies.

Learned about Ghandi's push for peaceful independence. Inspiring man.

Reviewed multiplying factions and double digit division with zero placeholders. I always need a good reminder in these areas.

I kept to my goals yesterday. I miss my FACED accountability, but the interest had wained so much for so many. It was time to leave. I am being accountable to Cheryl in South Dakota. I have about eight that keep creaping back on me. I am convinced this is water weight because I haven't changed my diet.

I will run today. Here is when I plan to do things:

12 - 1:00 p.m. Finish up homeschool and run for 30 minutes, 20 minutes of strength and flex.
1:00 - 2:00 p.m. Read All Rivers Run to the Sea
2:00 - 3:00 p.m. Jesus Bible Study and Bible Reading
3:00 - 4:00 p.m. Deliver things to Nancy (or whenever car gets back from swimming)
4:00 - 5:30 p.m. Clean and cooking prep.

After dinner, maybe Valentine's Day Celebration. Maybe I should go to get a heart shaped pizza? That might be very fun.

Carol

Learning in Homeschool

Today we learned about the eyes, and I had the boys label a diagram of the eye. I love learning right along with them. We watched two brainpop movies on eyes and vision. I love brainpop!

We also read about Cam Townsend who started Wycliffe Bible Translators. I love history!

I am also finishing up my God and the Trinity Bible Study for tonight. I am so glad that I delegated the copying of the homework to Lisa since she is already in the office these days. YEAH! My Mondays were often eaten up by copying that someone else can do besides me. Many hands make light work.

I am off to walk for 45 minutes, do some strength and flexibility and also I am determined to read a bit this afternoon.

Better go then because it is already 1:45! So this is the rest of the day:

1:45-2:00 Eat lunch
2:00-2:45 Walk
2:45-3:15 Strength
3:15-3:45 Bible study
3:45-4:15 Read All Rivers Run to the Sea
4:15-5:15 Dinner preparation and cleaning
5:15-6:15 Dinner and get ready for tonight
6:15-9:30 Women Becoming
9:30-11:30 Debrief with George and watch the Olympics!

This is the next ten hours in a nutshell!

Ready. GO!

Carol

Took a rest that watered my soul

I needed it. After the January 30 meeting of Women Becoming, I took a five day rest from all things related to it. I also shut down FACED email loop and Tia ended Grace Shade Tree website but not the loop. I took a well-earned rest from all that I had been doing in January, went to the doctor to see about my insomnia (she thinks it is related to menopausal symptoms), ran or walked everyday, and slow-down. Lovely. Just what the doctor ordered.

I am out of the prison that I chose to walk back into by please people. So, I said lots of NO's that week, and I am still alive. Now, my biggest challenge will be saying no to the person who badgers me most of all. She has been otherwise occupied, and she really hasn't badgered me for quite some time, but I am afraid that this summer will be another repeat of last summer, and I can't take that again. :(

So, I need to pray. Ginny and Lorraine are praying too.

Sunday morning is quiet. Paul is sick. So, I stayed behind to be with him and will go to second service when Michael can come back and be with Paul. My Lord and my family are such rocks and refuges for me.

Musings on a rainy day

Well, the morning was devoid of rain, and I had a great walk. Now, the rain has come, and I am still OK. I am listening to Ginny Owen. I don't know what it is about that woman, but she always speaks to my heart. She is a person who was formally in bondage, and I know that is where I used to be. Set free from the bondage of people's approval.

I feel like I have been set free, but sometimes I walk back in through the open doors without realizing it. I think I have inched closer to the door this month. People disapproving of how I do "me," and that is so hard for me. I had to set a boundary this morning. Had to say no when I had purposed before the Lord to set the next five days apart for rest and refreshment. I was challenged before the morning was out. I said "no," but I am in sitting in the prison room, my old familiar room that I used to inhabit. The door is open, but I am just sitting here looking at the comfortable walls. They whisper at me, "Well, you do have the day off. Your field trip was canceled. So, what would it matter if you had to spend this afternoon calling women to recruit them to serve communion on Sunday?"

Yet, I do know what it has done to say NO in the past. I like life outside the prison. The sky is so BIG outside those walls. I put a ceiling on God when I go back to that prison. I don't feel God leading me to call a bunch of women this afternoon. I hear Him calling me to worship and rest. I am doing the business of communion.

The fact that I haven't read ONE book this month should be an indication that I have been doing too much.

Lord, I felt so condemned by Shawn yesterday. So, not heard. So, not encouraged. BUT yet, you invite me to come and dine with YOU.

I hear you calling. I am off to read that book that my neighbor wrote:



How appropriate for a THIS day.