An Exercise in Seeing the Many Splendored Things

Eight days ago I posted the poem, "The Kingdom of God in No Strange Land." 

It was based on a praxis assignment for the Renovaré Institute where we were, like the poet, to see "Jacob's Ladder" running from heaven to our everyday life. I have loved it. I wrote my praxis answer more than a week ago, and there have been so many sightings of Jacob's Ladder since then. But I am going to post what I wrote. It will be nice to have it here. God continues to shine His Kingdom right where I am. 

"'Tis ye, 'tis your estranged faces, 

That miss the many-splendored thing."

These lines intrigued me. I have long believed that God is constantly trying to capture our attention, and it is because we are "estranged" that we miss "the many-splendored thing" He is trying to reveal to us. 

Ever since I read The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence in my 20's, and I was crying while walking back on a cold, winter's evening at twilight from a basketball game in which some silly boy-man made some snarky comment, and I became undone. The moment will always be etched in my mind because it was a turning point to everything. It began the quest I have been on for almost 40 years and will, Lord willing, be on for the rest of my life. 

In that twilight moment, I asked God, "Why do You feel so far away in this devastation when you felt so close this morning in my time of morning prayer? Where are you right now? Can I please have an awareness of You 24/7/365 like Brother Lawrence even in these kinds of times where people are unkind or life is difficult? Is that even possible when I am not a monk? How do I experience You all the time?" 

Testing and trials came my way throughout my 20's: father almost dying twice only to die on the third time due to pancreatic cancer and suffering a breakdown were two of the major things. God was constantly trying to reveal Himself to me in those moments, and I got glimpses of glory at what might seem like the worst of times. For instance, He spoke to me about where to go after my breakdown that led me to freedom from memories that had enslaved me (and led me to my husband). He also made His manifest presence so real to me in the midst of my dad's death. They were profound glimpses into that "living in moment by moment fellowship" with Him. I find it interesting that Thompson wrote this poem when he was a homeless opium addict. God wants to meet us even in our darkest hours. 

I read excerpts of Letters by a Modern Mystic & The Game with Minutes by Laubach in my 30's. Here was a man who was not a monk and even reached out to Muslims! This encouraged me even more. Then, my ministry boss started having us do The Game with Minutes with each and every group we trained. Now, I had buddies in the quest to experience God in the minutes of my day. (By the way, this is always one of the highlights for our trainees. It is a really fun thing to do together.) 

So, here I am in Renovaré, and days before this assignment, He reminded me of that twilight prayer so long ago. I love the accountability of it all! Thank you Renovaré for this assignment.  

So here are some times when the traffic on Jacob's Ladder "pitched betwixt" heaven and where I live more recently:

1) Meditating on Psalm 23 in my living room (yep, I am still in it even though it is November because our ministry team is meditating on it this week), He led me to look at the sunrise through my window and really notice the beautiful world of my backyard, and I asked Alexa to play Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World." while I watched God's creation in awe. WOW! What a perfect song for this God moment. 

2) At mid-day, I shared "What a Wonderful World" with my three marvelous men as we drove back from church. I played it, and God put on a show of light peaking out from behind rain clouds glistening through fall leaves. There was a holy hush in our car. We all sensed the glorious presence even though not a word was spoken.

3) With a busy day ahead of me, I struggled to chose between the funeral of my friend's father and my bimonthly beautiful Kingdom Community prayer and storytelling time with four ladies, and God whispered, "I want you to go to both." When I protested that this would be too much, He said, "I will work it out and give you a show of my beauty and Psalm 23. I will show you when you are to leave to go to the next engagement." 

I knew the ride would be lovely. I have driven this back road to Salem before, but the GPS (God's Positioning System) took me on another road that I had never been down, and OH MY. The trees enfolded over the top of the road, and I was in a corridor of color, awash in green, red, yellow, and orange with the sun glistening through the leaves wet from an earlier rain. It was narrow and winding but so worth the trip! 

Then, the funeral. What a celebration of a life well-lived! I have never been to a Catholic service, but when the Cantor sang the verses of Psalm 23, and we all sang responsively . . . 

Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears,

from death into life.

over and over again, I almost stood up and said, "God is most definitely shining traffic on Jacob's ladder from heaven to this Catholic sanctuary right now people!" But I contained myself. 

Then on top of it all, my very Catholic college friend, Sharon, knew exactly what to do when, I just followed her, and I grinned ear to ear through the whole service. God was there! When we held hands as a congregation and said the Lord's Prayer together, I was in raptures!

Then, the Eucharist started, and since I am not Catholic and cannot partake, I said my adieu to Sharon who said it was fine to leave early.

Leaving over the same road I had before I experienced more of God's presence because the light had shifted on the road to make it like a new place to behold.

And guess what, I made it RIGHT ON TIME to a glorious lunch, prayer, and telling of the story of David with my Kingdom Community Buddies! Heaven always shines with these ladies, and I am so grateful that I have a community like this.

4) As I submitted my academic assignment earlier this morning, "S", from Afghanistan came online. I had talked to her the day before, and she poured her heart out. Life is hard for this divorced mom of three boy, and I promised to pray. This morning, she shared how God had given her hope about some of the things she had shared the day before. We spent a good amount of time telling each other what we were thankful for. Then, I sent her a story I recorded on Creation, and we talked a little bit about it. I think the point I am trying to make is that I could have been goal-oriented about getting my academic assignment in and missed out on the blessings of hearing this woman's thankful heart for what God had done. 

4) As I typed this, my best friend texted me to say that her mother had only a couple more days to live. I could text back, but I called her instead, and there was a meeting of our hearts in love. God was there in the grief of my friend. We have walked together in Jesus since we were both 19 years old. I think making an effort to be more aware of God's presence makes you so very thankful for everything you have. 

5) I have been doing the Examen with my husband when he is home from his job in another city, and it has been such a time of shining the traffic of Jacob's Ladder pitched between heaven and our living room. God is there as we share where we saw Him in our day, and how we can love others more on the next. 

6) One last one, and I will stop! I also experienced God as I looked at one of my favorite paintings on Jacob's ladder by Marc Chagall. It also brought a sweet memory of an experience of God when I was at the Art Institute of Chicago and looked at Chagall's American Windows. I sat down as I gazed at it and wept. Art is so beautiful and shines the traffic for me!

 Jacob's Ladder by Chagall

I Want So to Belong

     

O God, I want so to belong; teach me to accept. I want to be close; teach me to reach out. I want a place where I am welcome; teach me to open my arms. I want mercy; teach me to forgive. I want beauty; teach me honesty. I want peace; show me the eye of the storm. I want truth; show me the way to question my unquestionable convictions. I want joy; show me the way of deeper commitment. I want life; show me how to die.   Loder, Ted Guerillas of Grace (San Diego, CA: LuraMedia, 1984) p.72.

Prayerful Review of My Week

I have being doing the Examen prayer with George verbally since Wednesday (because he has been sick so he has been working remotely - yay). But I am going to journal about some things. :)

I don't have to be to work until 9:15, and I have already done my attendance from last week (usually I wait until the last minute and do it right before I go to teach the next class but got smart and did it last Wednesday). So, I am going to spend some extended journaling time. 

By the way, here is a handout I developed for the Examen based on Trevor Hudson's adaptations and from reading A Simple Life-Changing Prayer by Jim Manney:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/pgqxqof95pa5cam/A%20Prayer%20Review%20Handout.docx?dl=0


Things I am grateful for:
George being home more
Peace in our home
Who He made me to be (more about that in the life-giving section)
The 34 Week Online Retreat for Everyday Life from Creighton University! (http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/cmo-retreat.html)
Friends who pray for me
Friends who encourage me
God who listens and speaks to me
My new spiritual director, Fran! (What a God gift!) 
Encouragement from D.J. and Cynthia regarding Renovaré Institute (women who have gone before me)
S from Afghanistan who could find hope in Psalm 23 and tell me things she is grateful for
(I will stop now because so much of what I am grateful for will be fleshed out in the "life-giving" and in tune with God's plan section)

Where have I felt most alive and responsive in the past week? Hudson writes, “This is often a sign of where we have lived in tune with God’s dream for our lives in the world.”

Going through the Online Retreat. At first, the review of my story in Weeks 1 & 2 was really difficult, but I persevered, and I also referred back to the timeline I created after reading The Making of a Leader by Clifton, and this helped me so much. God has healed so many of those painful things that have happened in my sovereign foundations, but it was good to review them (Week 1) and then see the hand of God in them (Week 2).

Psalm 23 - praying through it with our Kingdom Community. God's presence was so real and powerful. What a lovely group of seeking believers/followers of Jesus and only in their 20's! 

I felt so in tune with God by investing more time in my relationship with S in Afghanistan. I felt led to send her Psalm 23 after our group prayed through it and prayed for her. She said it gave her such hope. She also wanted to hear the Creation Story, and it did not work to send her my prerecorded one so I recorded it on the fly through Facebook. It was fun! It is always life-giving for me to tell God stories! Her response at the end of the week of talking was, "Please help me to know more and more our God." YIPPEE!

So here is where it would be good to write about what was life-deadening first before I write this, but let's focus on the positive and work back, shall we?

Aki Hill (my former university basketball coach) invited us to sit at her table for the 45th anniversary of Title IX sports. So we are sitting at the table, and she leans over to the former VP for Student Affairs, Dr. Joanne Trow, and her husband, Clifford Trow, former Oregon Senator (famous people and Dr. Trow was the head of my graduate program) and proceeds to tell them a story about me, Little Carol. I thought, "OH DEAR!" She told them how I came into her office in the middle of our basketball season and told her how she was hurting my feelings. I am laughing as I type this because it is so what I would have done back then. I cannot quote her exact words, but she said something to the effect that this was a turning point in her life! That I helped her to see the relational aspect of being a coach. That it was not all about winning. In past talks she has given, she has said that it is all about LOVE, and she credits me for teaching her that. I guess I have never really realized that until Saturday night. She has told me that I was her "ground" in her first year of coaching and that I was "Coaches Sweetheart." She elaborated this week that it set her on a new trajectory in her philosophy of coaching.

I remember at 19 thinking that basketball is not what life is all about, and I could see through the transitory nature of a "perishable crown" like it, and apparently I helped her to see that too. What is so amazing is she went on to be way more successful in the future with this new philosophy.

That year, I learned to be a servant, as I played back up to a future All-American and Olympic Gold Medalist. She was the star, and I was her "practice meat." Big Carol said something about me to all the current athletes that wanted to come up and shake her hand at the banquet. That I, Little Carol, had to live in her shadow, but I said I did not mind. And I really do not, it was another one of those crossroad times that I wrote about here earlier this week (or did I just write it in my journal - I cannot remember) where I realize that God was having me learn servanthood. I was going to do my best to make Big Carol better as an athlete (and she lets me borrow her gold medal when I have given talks on servanthood). Valuable lessons learned at a very young age. I am so grateful.

So, the three of us took a picture, and I posted it. All these famous OSU athletes from years past, added their comments, and Aki wrote,

"I needed both of them(big Carol, and little Carol)."

Big Carol led us to win the regional championship that year (and future championships in subsequent years), and I did what I mentioned above. We all have our roles to play in this God-given life. 

Which led me the next morning to read this quote in my online retreat (and posted here yesterday):

“God has an intense desire

to help us achieve the end

for which God lovingly created us.”

http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/dearlord3.html

So let me just briefly talk about what was "deadening" for me that particular morning.

I woke up that morning to a snub. It was an online snub, but it was a snub. It was after my spiritual director, Fran, suggested that we pray that God make it really obvious about whether I should continue with a major commitment that I made. The homework and content of this commitment has been a joy, the relational aspects of it have not. I realize that online communities are just not my cup of tea because the rules are so different than if you were face-to-face. When you are an uber-relational person. That is hard. It had been a week of snubs and feeling alienated and isolated for being who I am, but I thought maybe I was just imagining it. This particular thing that happened on Saturday made it really obvious that I was not imagining it. It was deadening, and I beat myself up all day for being so "sensitive." My poor husband! His emotional reaction was to have me quit because he does not like me feeling hurt all the time.

How good of God to give me an answer to my wrestling from the morning that night! He showed me through Aki's comment that He made me sensitive for a purpose and reason (I have always seen it as a liability rather than an asset - other than the flip side of it is great empathy for others), and that I am not going to get rid of it because it is a part of who He made me to be, and at least in Aki's case, my sensitivity was life-changing for her. (I am still sort of blown away about that, but it helps explain the many comments she has made to me over the last 39 years. I had never heard her articulate it to another person before.)

I had to repent of arguing with the Potter about how He made me. It was a precious time that I cannot articulate here.

There has been more to my Examen with George this week, but I will stop here as this is getting quite long.

It was good to journal my thoughts.

God's Intense Desire

“God has an intense desire

to help us achieve the end

for which God lovingly created us.”

http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/dearlord3.html

Online Retreat Week 3 Context for the quote above:

Let’s let the background of this whole week be two wonderful imaginative reflections:

• To simply walk around, doing all that I do each day, more and more conscious of why I was created:

  To give praise to God.
  To revere God: to grow in awe and love for God.
  To be of service: in God’s service.

• To  notice the rest of creation more consciously, and how all that I notice is intended by God to help me — it is all created for me.

Again, this is about gratitude. We want to appreciate, to become more sensitive to and more aware of something about God: God has an intense desire to help us achieve the end for which God lovingly created us. So, by our thinking and watching this week we are coming to know God better.

Ignatian Retreat Week For Everyday Life Weeks 1 & 2

I love these exercises! I realize how important the "Life Experiences" section of SHAPE is, and how I have not been able to do it in TOAG over the last few years due to time. Reviewing this has been so good. I remembered more and more things from my early years this time around. 

These are a few random things from the direction for Week 1:


Let this be the image: This week, let’s go through the photo album of our life. Let’s go back to our earliest memories. Let’s let the Lord show us our lives. What pictures are there? With each part of my life, what scenes do I remember? Who is in those scenes? Some photos will be of happy times, some will be quite sad, others will be difficult to recollect at all. They all constitute our story and the journey that has brought us to where we begin this retreat.
Take it easy. Go slowly. Take a little bit each day. Being faithful to this exercise will help tremendously to prepare for the weeks ahead. Write down notes or memories or stories if you’d like.

Here are the questions for Week 2 which synthesizes Week 1 memories:

What graces, insights, special or painful memories were given to me last week?

I had so many. I have them written on my timeline that I had made up, not sure when. I know I had my Women Becoming class do timelines in 2006, but I think I did mine before that for my own personal use a couple of years before that, no I think it was when I read The Making of a Leader even earlier than that, maybe even in the 90's? But I think I did a paper timeline when I got the Timeline Creator for homeschool. I redid it again when I led the class because I have two copies in my notebook.

But no matter. I am gaining such insight doing this again. Originally, I did not look at my timeline, and spent six days thinking through my life, at least through my mid-twenties. Then I took the time line out because I didn't want to reinvent the wheel. There were new painful and good memories that God reminded me of though through those walking and reflection times, especially from my early childhood on Maryland/Nevada Street.

I won't go into all the details here, but some were painful! But then He spoke such sweet words into those painful things that I share below.

I also added happy memories of days at Lake Mohave and Lake Millerton. Most of my very happy memories of childhood are all connected to when my dad was there. He brought out the best in my mom. Also, my early memories of my mom are very good, but I don't have any memory of her comforting me and holding me, even when I was hit by a car! (The person who hit me did that while my mom just stood there.) I know she did all the physical things required of a mom, but I don't remember snuggling or having her read me a book. Isn't that weird? I just remember her being very busy working at home. She was a very hard worker. She was always very nervous and stressed and insecure. That is what I remember. I remember her feeling very bad when she poured hot milk in my lap accidentally.

I also remember the sweet memory of my mom and dad praying the Lord's prayer at night and saying my prayers with my mom and me asking to know "who this Lord guy was."

Did I like doing these exercises last week, and did they nurture some new desires in me?

The first day was surprisingly hard for me. I have gone through memories before, but I realize from my time-line that there were very few things written in my early years before elementary school and in elementary school. So, God filled in those blanks, and I remember walking up to hospital hill thinking, "Do I really want to do this?" The first day was hard looking at those early years with my mom especially, but the second day God gave me great freedom saying:

I have set you apart. You drew close to Me. I let you see far beyond your years the emptiness without Me. I am your Father, mother, brother, friend, protector. EMBRACE. I do not blame you for the car accident (somehow my mom's car accident was my fault growing up, and I never understood that). I am the Sears Shoe Salesman who floods the store with light and bids you walk across the isle  from your mom's disapproving stare towards Me. Their journeys are all theirs, and I have dealt with them as I have seen fit. They are mind. You are set apart for my purpose. I moved you away from your family to find health. White limousine Kingdom town car moving in the other direction . . . to the mountain of My glory. Get in and enjoy the ride, Carol. I will take it from here.  Grab a drink and enjoy the scenery.

I do have such happy memories of water skiing and singing to the sound of the boat motor. Traveling in the car or camper and enjoying time with Chris. He was not always very nice to me, but he was on those road trips. I loved fun in the sun and quiet evening by the lake with the moon on the water singing songs. 

I nurtured in me a new desire to seek God first. He is the only one who will be there. I have this thing for approval when I am new situations, and this new situation has me wanting to fit in again. I have a new desire to please my AUDIENCE OF ONE. 


After last week’s review of my photo album, I’m attracted to . . 

I am not sure what this means. I emailed them to understand this question.

I am attracted to water skiing and water. :) I am also attracted to people like my dad, positive and affirming and FUN(NY) at every turn, yet FIRM. He really didn't let me get away with much either.  I think that is why I am attracted to God because my concept is so shaped by BIG CHUCK WARDROP. I don't think my dad gave a rip about what people though of him, and I think everyone liked him immensely because he was just himself. He led the pack. I want to be like that. 

WOW! I emailed them my question and before I even finished this blog post he answered. Here is what he said:

I think the question was an open ended one to invite reflection on what most attracted us in our review of our life story.  Ignatius liked “reviews” because of their potential to take us deeper.

So, for example, one might say something like, “I am attracted to reflecting more on how I realized God was present to me, and with me, in those periods when I was not very conscious of his presence.”  Or, one might say, “I’m attracted to spending more time with the young adult period of my life, where I feel I changed the most and my personality developed the most, and perhaps where the habits I have in my life began to be formed.”  Or, one might reflect, “After reviewing my life story, I feel drawn to give thanks much more often and to realize how our Lord is with me today, in the everyday experience of my life now.” Andrew Alexander, S.J.

With that in mind, after reviewing my life story, I realize how much God has been there with me at the crossroads. His presence was so real to me to make take the right path! "He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3)! He truly has been my SHEPHERD through all of this. I am so grateful! It does not matter that it has meant not being included or even shunned. I will not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the path of the sinner or sit in the seat of the scoffer! His way is the path of righteousness to honor His name. He is the good and right way! My delight will be in the law of the Lord, and on His law I will meditate day and night. I want to be that tree, firmly planted by streams of water (Nancy's vision for my life), yielding FRUIT in season and not withered leaves on this girl. This path has led to nothing but prosperity and peace (Psalm 1). Again, you have shown me where the other path has led, and it was not worth it to take it just to feel included with my family, with some of my high school friends (although most have now found you), with some of my college friends, it is all chaff in the end. I could go on and on, but I will stop because this has taken me 3 1/2 hours to process. BUT such good processing!!!!!

Where, in my life story, did I feel most totally known by God?

The evening before my dad's death. God saying later that He wanted to be more of a Father to me. 

Is there a part of me, my story, I have a hard time imagining God knowing? Because I have a hard time imagining God accepting me there? 

No, I feel like He has been with me through every step. It is whether I want to embrace Him in those painful moments, but most of them, through Listening/Healing prayer, I have. 

Where in my story were there crossroads? It could have gone this way or that: how was God present in the way my story continued from there? 

Absolutely! I had a choice in that hotel in Stanford in March of 1979. I chose GOD and not PLEASING PEOPLE! YAY! (So interesting that I will be with people I knew from that time today.) 

But sometimes choosing God meant being shunned and excluded. That is always my bugaboo! I don't like being shunned and excluded. But the alternative would set me at odds with God. And He has been the better choice. Always with me. 

But being shunned and excluded by some meant being embraced by others. Leaving Athletes in Ministry Bible Studies and those dysfunctional relationships to be in the Navigators and Debbie Brizee! WIN all the way around. She has been such a faithful friend; faithful to God and to me! 

I had a choice in living a life of materialism and emptiness (California Family) versus non-materialism and fullness (Corvallis/PNW/World Family). (Looking at the grape vineyards across from my parents' house and making a choice in 1988.)

I had a choice of continuing to be around people of compromise and lack of integrity on that road trip up I-5 when B stiffed the guy at the Canyonville gas station who didn't double the gas price because gas had gone over a dollar a gallon when the digits in the gas pump did not go to three. I begged God when the water came over the car in the early am (not sure if it was that trip or another one), and I almost lost control. I decided to give my WHOLE LIFE to You and get away from the bad influences on my life. B was nothing but BAD NEWS for my life! BAD NEWS! The whole debacle traveling with that weird girl down I-5 and B giving the impression she paid for all the gas. That was a very BAD situation. B was always getting me in very bad situations because she made very bad choices. SO glad she is out of my life. George saw immediately how manipulative she was. 

Choice to not move to Seattle and pursue a career in Student Affairs and stay in Corvallis (and low on the totem pole at Oregon State) and start a relationship with George! Choosing George was choosing GOD's BEST! The other one was a "small ambition." This quote was a guiding one:

Tell the students to give up their small ambitions and come eastward to preach the gospel of Christ." – Francis Xavier, missionary to India, the Philippines, and Japan

Am I accepting of who I am today? If not, can I hold those areas up to God? If yes, can I hold my whole self up to God, in gratitude?

Absolutely accept who I am today!!!

Are there areas I feel God is wanting to love in me? change in me? make use of for others?

I am in a new situation, and I feel like I can either conform to every one else to fit in or I can just be me, unapologetically me. 

He loves me just the way I am. I don't need to worry about passive-aggressive and even aggressive people. Fran was so helpful in how I can cope in this new environment I am in, and she had a similar environment with her training. That was insightful. 

I want to change to feel like it is others' choice to compare, compete, be crestfallen. I will go in the white limousine kingdom town car. It is a crossroad that I will take. I am getting off the tour bus and into that town car. There ARE people for the town car in this group, and I need to not worry about the rest, even if that means NOT fitting in! I don't need to fit in. The other times I did not fit in were because I made the choice not to conform. That was a good choice. No conformity but compassion. 

Making use of for others. YES. Sew seeds in soft soil were your words to me. You are sowing seeds in my soft soil through this who process. Thankful! 

Throughout this week, in every background moment, let there be expressions of gratitude for the blessings of how my life story is connecting me with God’s presence and love. Let me experience the feeling of my continuing to grow and develop. The one who formed us in our mother’s womb is still forming us this week.

My life story has so connected me to Your presence and love at EVERY TURN! What if I had taken the tour bus (or the ratty teenage car behind the stands)?  I shutter to think of where I would have ended up. Empty . . . alone . . . afraid . . . but maybe rich. NOT WORTH THE COSE though! 

The Grace we pray for this week:

I am grateful for the way my own life story connects me today with God’s presence and love.

AMEN 100x!

The Kingdom of God in No Strange Land

This is about finding God in everyday life. Francis Thompson wrote this while a homeless drug addict in London. Meditate on this. What do you think?

THE KINGDOM OF GOD
In No Strange Land by Francis Thompson

O world invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air—
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumour of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!—
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places;—
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
’Tis ye, ’tis your estranged faces,
That miss the many-splendoured thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry;—and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob’s ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry,—clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

Me at Charing Cross Road

It is Well - Sunday Morning Fifteen Minute Freewrite

What a great week. It was full, but I had many days of rest and sustaining sprinkled throughout the week.

It was especially full on Saturday. I was a little leery about how busy it would be, but I allowed for time in my schedule today SABBATH REST (the Cycle of Grace Sustaining after a Cycle of Grace Significance/Fruitful time).

Of course it started with time with God, Morning Affirmations and Stretch (M.A.S.S.), and a prayerful review of my previous day with GEORGE. Sometimes I write it on this blog, but most days, I just pray, and I love it when George is home to do it with him.  Thank you, Fran, for doing it with your husband and giving me the idea to do it with mine!

Then I took a Face to Face Prayer Walk before an important leader in an influential church came to visit. God spoke to me MANY years ago about this church, and I have been praying into this for that long.  It has been so wonderful to see God speak and act, and this was the culmination as God spoke to this leader to come and seek our counsel about the direction they are going. It was a good time. She is so on the same page. I like her a lot. What a wonderful, solid young woman! I will pray into her life more and more. 

Then it was off to a lunch date with four people and a baby. I loved hearing the story of a family that came to follow Jesus! WOW! I just love hearing people's stories. 

Then I went to pick up my friend to go to a Henna and English Party. She expressed that her mother-in-law does not speak English and is lonely, having only arrived a month ago. I thought, "Hey, my friend speaks her language, and she is looking for friends from this country!" So, I introduced my friend to this other friend, and I am hoping and praying that something works out for them. 

The Henna Party and English was so great. Amy led wonderfully, and the Henna artists, one of whom was the lovely Joanne from our Kingdom Community, were amazing! I had two ladies from Japan, a woman from the Philippines, a Shi'a from Saudi Arabia (so adorable), my friend from Afghanistan, and a woman from Iran (who did not speak English so Madina translated for us). Really lovely!

There was a little bit of drama at the other table so I went over calm things down a bit ("run interference" was my mandate). It is funny where I see, more and more, that I probably am just as much a 9 Peacemaker as a 2 Helper on the Enneagram! They always tie, but I always thought the Helper better describes me, but I think they both do. I love doing this, and I had such a wonder talk with an Iraqi woman as a result. I have heard about her for years, but I have never really talked to her. 

Then, my friend, Mindy, locked herself out of her car. SO I got some extra time with her to take her home. Then I brought Madina back and spent two hours having tea and meeting her mother in law and talking to her husband. They are such a lovely, lovely family!

I returned home to George making me Italian Sausage and Penne and chatting with the fam. Then, we watched a movie called the Duchess and I had to look up the history of this fascinating character!

It was a full, fun, in-line with God's plan for me kind of day, but I am taking today OFF and enjoying it! God is good all the time. All the time, he is good!

REPOST OF MY 2017 GOALS

How am I doing, LORD?

January 1, 2017 POST:

Teala and I are on our 21st year of having a Day of Prayer at the sorority she is currently working at (with the exception of the two years we were in Malaysia at which time I had it remotely).

The word for the year is SIMPLE. I had all sorts of thoughts about GOALS for the year, but God said to keep it simple. So, I have "Seven Simple Scripture Steps for '17!"

1.Cease striving (be still, let go, relax) and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth. (Psalm 46:10)

(Stilling my heart before Him, not rushing ahead of His plan for my day but being still so I can listen)

2. Continually seek His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be provided to you. (Matthew 6:33)

(Moment by moment seeking)

3. Blessed are those who hear the word of God, and obey it. (Luke 11:28)

(Daily listening and obeying - no more, no less)

4. And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. (Mark 12:30)

(Love, worship, and adore Him with all of my being)

5. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31)

(Serve my sweetheart, sons, and students [training, Pilates, TOAG, Tahera, and Bible Book Club people])

6. Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercise self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore, I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

(2017 self-control resulting in strong and svelte at 22 BMI)

7. So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of  God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Therefore, let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience. (Hebrews 4:9)

(Regular rest periods - sabbaticals and Sabbaths)

Friday Fifteen Freewrite (Prayerful Review)

These days are so good. I made a very firm decision about staying with the Renovaré Institute. I love so much about it, and this whole INCLUSION thing is a want, but it is not a need. He finally spoke toward the end of my month of meditation in Psalm 23. 

The LORD is my shepherd

I DO NOT WANT

Another way to look at the Hebrew construction of that first verse. The Message says, "I have all that I need,", and I really DO have all that I need. I even have a "prayerful community." I even have found a Spiritual Director who I think is a perfect fit for me. Nancy telling me that I have had SO MANY wise, older people who have poured into my life. Most people have never had that, and I have had them in ABUNDANCE. So, this whole INCLUSION thing is a greediness issue! 

I also asked God about this whole INCLUSIVENESS thing, and I know that Renee did listening prayer with me in 2015 at Rusty's conference about the "my high school friends leaving me alone behind the football stands" memory (while they went to do things they knew I would not approve of), and He showed me that white limousine going the other way. I asked God to show me beyond the football stands, and He did. The trajectory of my life has been so different from theirs, and He has led me into some very pleasant places! And I am not alone in that white limousine! It is just a smaller set of people than all of them piled into the ratty old teenage car. I am grateful for the life He has given me.

So, I think there will be a small subset of people at the RI that I will click with. My new Spiritual Director, Fran, said that if I went through Spiritual Direction Training, I would probably find "my people." I have found some "my people" at the RI though. So, I walk forward with that small limousine car full of them. I have had some DEAR interaction with some of them over email, Facebook Messenger and the phone too. I am UBER-RELATIONAL! (Which is a blessing and a curse sometimes.) But, I cannot expect that of everyone in the RI. That is unrealistic. I want to thank D.J. and Cynthia (RI Grads) for reading this blog and reaching out to me. Also some of you who have no idea about the RI but were concerned and reached out. So sweet. I am GOOD now! 

So with this I will be content.

Now, on to what I was going to do today in the remaining 12 minutes of my FRIDAY FREEWITE! :) 

I made a new handout for the PRAYERFUL REVIEW or EXAMEN HERE!

Here goes

Ask to see everything through His eyes - God, bring light to the review of my day so that I can see everything through Your loving eyes.

Give thanks - I give thanks for the sunlight peaking through the clouds and shining through the fall leaves as I drove down Hwy 20. For Dr. Myers knowing exactly what to do to release that tight muscle on the left side of my spine. For the Kingdom Community - I take for granted that I DO have that kind of community that Chris Webb talks about in his book and Renovare Institute talks about. It is a "community of prayerful love" especially when we go to pray. I am SO GRATEFUL that you have opened doors to create that kind of community here. It is a gift and something most people in the RI do not have. I am grateful for friends, near and far, who reach out to me and love me. Grateful for George and the boys. They are SO VERY KIND, not just yesterday but EVERYDAY they are an example to me of true manhood. I am grateful for rest yesterday. It was a low-key day, and I am so glad I have the freedom to rest after a muscle release. 

Review the day - Holy Spirit guide me through the day, hour by hour. Shine your light on it.

Where I felt most alive and responsive and in tune with your plan for my life in the world.

Slowly driving to the doctor's office. Leaving five minutes early so I was not hurried or anxious

Being a light to Dr. M and the other two interns. One of them joked that I was "spreading the good news of osteopathic medicine," but you gave me the assignment to spread the Good News of the kingdom in that treatment room, and I think I did that.

Resting into my new role as RI member - My heart was occupied with that decision, and it is nice to rest in it, having made it.

Getting feedback from both Kim and Nancy that the Prayer Review I gave them had BLESSED THEM! Let's hear it for listening and obeying.

Kingdom Community prayer

Rick Steves France Shows - why do they relax me so much? Why are they so life-giving to me? They have been for years. 

Where I felt most dead and unresponsive and out of tune with God's plan.

When I led the David study in Kingdom Community - I did not communicate well. I did not prep them well!

Having to make a decision about whether I should go to Jean's dad's memorial service when I have two meeting before and after. Knowing that I would have to hurry to it and from it in order to make both meetings. Decisions like this make me anxious.

Face your shortcomings

Lord, forgive me for my lack of prayerful planning prior to Kingdom Community. My leading was not bathed in prayerful love! 

I resolve to communicate more effectively by always giving a follow up of the next week's expectations. I will apologize for my laziness. 

Look to the new day and "one practical thing" that I will commit to do that will express my love to God and others.

Well, it is obvious! I will send out a nice email about expectations for next week and apologize for not being more clear in my communication. 

Freewrite Fifteen

12:38 pm

I have been processing and processing some more. I processed with many friends, and I also processed with two graduates of the program. I think I got to the bottom of my pain. 

I also talked with the person I most connected with at the residency. So, I loved her reflections and affirmations. So, it will send me over the edge in the direction of staying. 

Lorraine was the only one who thinks I shouldn't. She thinks I have so much already happening here and does not think I need it.

George thinks I need to just listen and obey. It is that simple. I am still trying to hear what He is saying to me. I am so happy to do whatever God tells me to do; one way or the other.

SO here I am on a Sabbath Saturday. I am SO HAPPY to just be having to do NOTHING. Yesterday ended up being a lot of things to do. I processed with someone for two hours on the phone about spiritual warfare. It was good. I talked to a possible Spiritual Director, and I think that she is a YES. I felt like we really connected. She is great, and I can do it by Skype and not have to worry about commuting in the winter and paying an exorbitant amount of money or meeting with someone who has commercialized her direction (one of them has a very slick website, and I want to meet her, but I sense it would not be a good fit for Spiritual Direction). 

I will miss Sister Joan though. She is so sweet, and she really helped me over a little hump a year and a half ago. I am so grateful for her help. I think I will still meet with her on occasion for things, but I think a monthly commute up to Mount Angel would be too much, especially in the middle of the winter. So I will not do that. 

I think there is potential for getting training with Fran's particular ministry too, especially if they do a training up in Portland rather than me having to go to Seattle. 

Ok, on to other things to freewrite about. How about this toe of mine? ACK! I cannot believe that these last days of sunshine in the fall are preempted by a broken toe! I love to walk and talk, but I am still talking to You God, but I miss my walks. I so miss my walks. I tried to walk last night, and it was very painful afterward. So, I need to take this all very slow. 

I can go for a bike ride later on today though. I wonder if George will want to go with me. I really need to get some exercise. I have been eating too much and exercising too little.

Classes are going well. I have a sweet group of students. No "extra grace required" ones who are constantly trying to take advantage of you and beat the system. That has been a relief. 

I love Pilates. Just saying. I want to develop a class that incorporates praise music and scripture into the routine. That will be great. 

I like all the talks I have had today. I think I need to go and preempt my fifteen minutes though because I need to have a shower. 

So, it will be only 11 minutes today. bye. 

Trying to Get to the Bottom of this Need to Belong

I love so much about this Institute I am in. I love the readings we have been doing. I love the academic question every month. This last one, about living in the Kingdom of God was really, really fun for me to write (even though it took all day). I loved the interaction that I had with those who did respond to my posted question, and I especially loved the response from the grader for this portion of the institute. But the community in general didn't really respond to what I said, they all had a great time with each other talking, but other than two people, my answer was just ignored. The same was true for my practice answer. We were supposed to write about a phrase from Psalm 23 that really hit us, and only one person responded. (And that person is someone I really liked from the Institute.) 

Why does it matter to me?

I have such wonderful community here, and I can talk about these things with them. In fact, I met with one of those small groups on Friday, and we prayed through Psalm 23, and it was so enriching! They get Kingdom living, and we live it together. 

Our new group that started in September is also turning on to Kingdom living. So, I have so much here. So many people who are supportive and loving and wonderful.

In this new community that is mostly online other than 28 days together over the course of two years, I still feel like an outsider looking in. I have a hard time feeling safe with others, but I want to belong with others. I don't want to have chit-chat over the next two years, I want depth and soul-stirring conversation with others. Is that realistic to expect when I will see them face-to-face 28 days over the course of two years? Should I talk to someone about this? Why do I feel that it is so necessary to have people interact with me over these things. 

I guess I expected that it would be more of that for us. That it would be more the whole community versus little groups already forming, of which I don't feel like I have a place within that to say that I have found "my people" there. 

Then I pray, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/I fear no evil/Thy rod and Thy staff/They comfort me."  

I don't think I fear the people. I just don't know how to get inside. I dread the next residency. Maybe it is good to feel that deep loneliness because I certainly do not feel alone with You Lord. 

But it is the same feeling I have when I go to Women's Retreats. I feel so very alone there. With the exception of the time that Cathi Von came, and we hiked around together, I never felt like I belonged there. Cathi is like-hearted though. In a general church population, I just don't find a lot of like-hearted women. 

Yet, I have like-hearted women that I have carved out a life with here in my town. So, I don't feel lonely here. I usually have someone to get face-to-face with and process. 

Will it just take some time to do that with the people at this residency? Can that even be achieved with this residency with the little bit of time we all have together. I want to feel like I belong to this community on line. I respond to so many people's posts, but that doesn't get reciprocated. I post a prayer request, and no one says they will pray. I asked for prayer before the residency, and people did respond. Is it something I said or did at the residency that makes people repelled by me that they wouldn't respond to a request for a broken toe? Should I just leave my requests for my face-to-face community here who has been very concerned for me toe and understands why because of my desire to do a 24 mile prayer walk? Maybe people just are not into the things that I am into. I don't think I did something to make people be repelled by me. 

I feel so NOT alone here in Corvallis. I feel SO ALONE with this online community. 

So, I heard a "wait" this morning regarding this community. I love what we are reading, and I hope my small group goes well. I do like the people in it. Maybe my expectations are just too high for the larger community. 

Speak Lord, I am listening. 

Carol's Beloved Charter

My princess, I have given you the names Carol and Boldly Beloved for a reason. You are a wonderful creation of mine, and I am with you always as your victorious, quietly loving, warrior, empowering you to be bold and rejoicing over you with songs and shouts of joy (and your earthly father was listening to Me when he changed your name to Carol without even knowing it meant "Song of Joy"). On top of all this, I want you to know there is no condemnation from Me because you are in Christ Jesus, you are free from the critique of people, living only to please and delight Me as your audience of One. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will separate you from My love in Christ Jesus.

Saturday Sixteen Minute Freewrite

7:00 am, and GO!

Here is go with 16 minutes of furiously typing on the keyboard. :) 

Bummer about my toe after 30 days of walking around the campus and praying God's Kingdom come there, that I would break my toe. I must realize that GOD IS GOOD and SOVEREIGN, and there is a reason I am not to walk 21 miles this morning.

So, I am brining my bike, and I am probably going to bike three laps to their one lap around. This is a big undertaking, and I heard God say to do 21 miles, but it will be on wheels rather than on my feet!

So, here are the other things that I am thinking of this morning. Regarding the whole thing about the Residency. I do not need to feel GUILTY that I have done most of these things. I do not need to feel GUILTY that I don't have anymore false narrative floating around after 35 years of seeking God's true narratives (I think the main false narrative is that in order to fit in with the other participants, I have to act like all this stuff is new to me, and it is not. I cannot be fake in that respect. I have to be true to who You made me to be and live for an audience of one - even if it means NOT fitting in and being able to enter into their experiences. Still need to know why this is important to me. George said he would not feel guilty about it. Why do I?). I need to just share my journey honestly and hopefully. George says it might give people hope that it is really possible to come out whole! 

So, I guess it might be lonely, but it also might be surprisingly great. I need to be more optimistic about all of this and not worry that I feel on the "outskirts" of this big group of people. I do feel great with a few people, and I feel good with most of the leadership, and there are some people I just have not gotten to know yet, and I wish people would have sought me out more, but I did most of the seeking out of people, and some just didn't seem interested in me. 

I still need to explore why that bothers me though. Lord, what do you want me to know? 

You are unique and one of a kind. No need to fake anything. Be genuine and real. Hudson Taylor was unusual with the other workers too. Just be you. I like you.

Ok, I will be me. 

The good news is that I am all caught up on my Praxis and Academic Questions. I am feeling more comfortable writing them. I don't think I will ever go to seminary to get a degree in this stuff, but it is fun to try to do my best. This really is a lot of work. I think I will not run a Kingdom Community next year and maybe even take Fall term off of teaching Pilates next year so I can concentrate more fully on all of this. 

Lord, I am going to ask you to confirm, once and for all, that you really DO want me to be there! OK? I want to be like Noah and do ALL that you ask of me.

Well, I better got and get ready for this epic 21 miles of prayer for the OSU campus. WOOHOO! We are a small band of prayer warriors, but we have a BIG God! 

Bye from the Broken Toed Bandit. 

58. If We Make It Home by Nelson

This book uses an alternating first person point of view narrative for three college friends reunited after twenty-five years apart. I didn't really identify with any of the three main character, but eventually, I found myself interested in their stories and where they would all end up in the end.

I think this is a very good first novel for this new author! I loved the Oregon setting for the adventure that these women are taken on. There were a couple of things that I thought were a bit far-fetched, and I would have liked a little more development of the "why" behind what happened in order to make it seem a bit more plausible. But all that aside, I enjoyed the book and was glad I read it!

*I received a complimentary copy of this book from Kregel Publications and was under no obligation to post a review, positive or negative.*

57. Bella Poldark by Winston Graham

Did I really not review this book! It is the final in the beautiful series of 12 books. I will so miss these characters! It is worth the 6064 pages of reading. Winston Graham does a lovely job of wrapping up all the stories for each main character. Really enjoyed the whole series.

 

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

Trusting God is a totally safe place to be. I am just processing on this keyboard without stopping for fifteen minutes. I am reclining with my toe elevated because I broke it. Silly me. It found the post that holds up my kitchen island. I am almost humored by it. It is not incredibly painful (at least not until about 11:30 pm last night when I had to take the "buddy tape" off because I think it was swelling beyond it). I just hope I can still prayer walk on Saturday.

This week was "Synthesis Week" for the Renovaré Institute that I attended last week in Santa Barbara. I feel sort of like I cheated. Because we have had "Kingdom Communities" in place since 2009, we know what it is like to live in the reality of a "community of prayerful love" full of Kingdom Seekers. I am so grateful for the community that we have here in Corvallis. So, I was sort of lonely at the Institute. Like I was an outsider looking in at people coming to the realization that the Kingdom is here and now. It was delightful to see, but it was like I wasn't really invited to the party and was looking in through the glass windows from the outside. 

It did not help that my back went out ROYALLY, and I was somewhat alienated from others because I had to lie on my back for relief, and I became the girl with the "bad back" (which is not true - a massage therapist INJURED me, and I was so sad about that) that people walked by and said, "Poor girl," but few came in to talk while I was flat on my back. So, the only way I could enter in was to say good-bye to the pain and talk at meals, and I did. I was lost in that, but the after effect was set backs in my healing. But that is OK, I had delightful conversations other than one time. That time was hard because I saw such pain in the other person, but that person is closed, wounded, defensive. The person does not feel safe with me yet. So I could not pry, but I can certainly pray.

I like the people though, but there were two points where I thought I might quit. But I asked for confirmation, and You gave it to me. Then I asked again after I got home, and George said, "Let's ask God." So, I am still asking God, but I am pretty sure that I will stick around. It just takes time to make new friends, and I feel like I missed those first two crucial, initial days. People walking off to the beach, which I had dreamed of doing, but I never got to do. Bonding happens on walks, but I was spending them flat on my back, but God told me to look up, and I saw the birds and the sky. He told me to skip an evening Lectio Divina time and do it by myself in my room on my back (after I had a good cry). 

I think the time I felt most lonely was when everyone was playing games on the last night. I am not a big game player, and I hoped that some would just want to talk; but one by one, the people I was talking to were asked to join tables of game players, but no one asked me. I felt like crying. (Rudolph wasn't asked to join in any reindeer games is running through my head right now.) So, I just went back to my room. I wasn't sad once I sat down to finish my book, but I was walking to my room.

The next morning was much better though when I got up to about 2/3rds the number of people because the other 1/3 had early morning flights home. That number was more manageable, and it seemed like many of the Introverts gathered around in the morning sun to process things, and that was good for my soul. I also prayed for confirmation again, and we were all to pray for people on our right and on our left, and one of the them was the speaker who was always in the room in which I was laying on my back. He was the only one who saw how much pain I was truly in. He is a true introvert in that he did not engage with others in the Free Time and was by himself a lot. I know I need to be by myself because that is what energizes me, but I love people too! So, it is always the conflict I face when I am in large groups of new people.

It was also helpful to process with Kim when I came back. I wish I had a soul-mate there. I wish I had asked George to come and do it with me. That would have been so much better, but even when I was with George when we went to Europe, and the "drinkers" all became a clique in our tour group, and they initially wanted us but then realized we weren't drinker so quit inviting us to their gatherings, I felt hurt. Silly me. I have never seen those people since and will not see them again, but it brought me back to high school when my friends started sleeping around and smoking pot, and they left me alone because they knew I wouldn't do the things they were doing. It was lonely. 

So, I go through the painful process of becoming accustomed to a new group of people. That is always scary and hard for me. But I think I will stick with it because I like the leadership, and I also like the things we are reading. 

This was longer than 15 minutes, but it was good to process out loud, so to speak. 

Falling In Love

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love ...
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.
Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ (1907-1991)