Trying to Get to the Bottom of this Need to Belong

I love so much about this Institute I am in. I love the readings we have been doing. I love the academic question every month. This last one, about living in the Kingdom of God was really, really fun for me to write (even though it took all day). I loved the interaction that I had with those who did respond to my posted question, and I especially loved the response from the grader for this portion of the institute. But the community in general didn't really respond to what I said, they all had a great time with each other talking, but other than two people, my answer was just ignored. The same was true for my practice answer. We were supposed to write about a phrase from Psalm 23 that really hit us, and only one person responded. (And that person is someone I really liked from the Institute.) 

Why does it matter to me?

I have such wonderful community here, and I can talk about these things with them. In fact, I met with one of those small groups on Friday, and we prayed through Psalm 23, and it was so enriching! They get Kingdom living, and we live it together. 

Our new group that started in September is also turning on to Kingdom living. So, I have so much here. So many people who are supportive and loving and wonderful.

In this new community that is mostly online other than 28 days together over the course of two years, I still feel like an outsider looking in. I have a hard time feeling safe with others, but I want to belong with others. I don't want to have chit-chat over the next two years, I want depth and soul-stirring conversation with others. Is that realistic to expect when I will see them face-to-face 28 days over the course of two years? Should I talk to someone about this? Why do I feel that it is so necessary to have people interact with me over these things. 

I guess I expected that it would be more of that for us. That it would be more the whole community versus little groups already forming, of which I don't feel like I have a place within that to say that I have found "my people" there. 

Then I pray, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/I fear no evil/Thy rod and Thy staff/They comfort me."  

I don't think I fear the people. I just don't know how to get inside. I dread the next residency. Maybe it is good to feel that deep loneliness because I certainly do not feel alone with You Lord. 

But it is the same feeling I have when I go to Women's Retreats. I feel so very alone there. With the exception of the time that Cathi Von came, and we hiked around together, I never felt like I belonged there. Cathi is like-hearted though. In a general church population, I just don't find a lot of like-hearted women. 

Yet, I have like-hearted women that I have carved out a life with here in my town. So, I don't feel lonely here. I usually have someone to get face-to-face with and process. 

Will it just take some time to do that with the people at this residency? Can that even be achieved with this residency with the little bit of time we all have together. I want to feel like I belong to this community on line. I respond to so many people's posts, but that doesn't get reciprocated. I post a prayer request, and no one says they will pray. I asked for prayer before the residency, and people did respond. Is it something I said or did at the residency that makes people repelled by me that they wouldn't respond to a request for a broken toe? Should I just leave my requests for my face-to-face community here who has been very concerned for me toe and understands why because of my desire to do a 24 mile prayer walk? Maybe people just are not into the things that I am into. I don't think I did something to make people be repelled by me. 

I feel so NOT alone here in Corvallis. I feel SO ALONE with this online community. 

So, I heard a "wait" this morning regarding this community. I love what we are reading, and I hope my small group goes well. I do like the people in it. Maybe my expectations are just too high for the larger community. 

Speak Lord, I am listening. 

Carol's Beloved Charter

My princess, I have given you the names Carol and Boldly Beloved for a reason. You are a wonderful creation of mine, and I am with you always as your victorious, quietly loving, warrior, empowering you to be bold and rejoicing over you with songs and shouts of joy (and your earthly father was listening to Me when he changed your name to Carol without even knowing it meant "Song of Joy"). On top of all this, I want you to know there is no condemnation from Me because you are in Christ Jesus, you are free from the critique of people, living only to please and delight Me as your audience of One. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will separate you from My love in Christ Jesus.

Saturday Sixteen Minute Freewrite

7:00 am, and GO!

Here is go with 16 minutes of furiously typing on the keyboard. :) 

Bummer about my toe after 30 days of walking around the campus and praying God's Kingdom come there, that I would break my toe. I must realize that GOD IS GOOD and SOVEREIGN, and there is a reason I am not to walk 21 miles this morning.

So, I am brining my bike, and I am probably going to bike three laps to their one lap around. This is a big undertaking, and I heard God say to do 21 miles, but it will be on wheels rather than on my feet!

So, here are the other things that I am thinking of this morning. Regarding the whole thing about the Residency. I do not need to feel GUILTY that I have done most of these things. I do not need to feel GUILTY that I don't have anymore false narrative floating around after 35 years of seeking God's true narratives (I think the main false narrative is that in order to fit in with the other participants, I have to act like all this stuff is new to me, and it is not. I cannot be fake in that respect. I have to be true to who You made me to be and live for an audience of one - even if it means NOT fitting in and being able to enter into their experiences. Still need to know why this is important to me. George said he would not feel guilty about it. Why do I?). I need to just share my journey honestly and hopefully. George says it might give people hope that it is really possible to come out whole! 

So, I guess it might be lonely, but it also might be surprisingly great. I need to be more optimistic about all of this and not worry that I feel on the "outskirts" of this big group of people. I do feel great with a few people, and I feel good with most of the leadership, and there are some people I just have not gotten to know yet, and I wish people would have sought me out more, but I did most of the seeking out of people, and some just didn't seem interested in me. 

I still need to explore why that bothers me though. Lord, what do you want me to know? 

You are unique and one of a kind. No need to fake anything. Be genuine and real. Hudson Taylor was unusual with the other workers too. Just be you. I like you.

Ok, I will be me. 

The good news is that I am all caught up on my Praxis and Academic Questions. I am feeling more comfortable writing them. I don't think I will ever go to seminary to get a degree in this stuff, but it is fun to try to do my best. This really is a lot of work. I think I will not run a Kingdom Community next year and maybe even take Fall term off of teaching Pilates next year so I can concentrate more fully on all of this. 

Lord, I am going to ask you to confirm, once and for all, that you really DO want me to be there! OK? I want to be like Noah and do ALL that you ask of me.

Well, I better got and get ready for this epic 21 miles of prayer for the OSU campus. WOOHOO! We are a small band of prayer warriors, but we have a BIG God! 

Bye from the Broken Toed Bandit. 

58. If We Make It Home by Nelson

This book uses an alternating first person point of view narrative for three college friends reunited after twenty-five years apart. I didn't really identify with any of the three main character, but eventually, I found myself interested in their stories and where they would all end up in the end.

I think this is a very good first novel for this new author! I loved the Oregon setting for the adventure that these women are taken on. There were a couple of things that I thought were a bit far-fetched, and I would have liked a little more development of the "why" behind what happened in order to make it seem a bit more plausible. But all that aside, I enjoyed the book and was glad I read it!

*I received a complimentary copy of this book from Kregel Publications and was under no obligation to post a review, positive or negative.*

57. Bella Poldark by Winston Graham

Did I really not review this book! It is the final in the beautiful series of 12 books. I will so miss these characters! It is worth the 6064 pages of reading. Winston Graham does a lovely job of wrapping up all the stories for each main character. Really enjoyed the whole series.

 

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

Trusting God is a totally safe place to be. I am just processing on this keyboard without stopping for fifteen minutes. I am reclining with my toe elevated because I broke it. Silly me. It found the post that holds up my kitchen island. I am almost humored by it. It is not incredibly painful (at least not until about 11:30 pm last night when I had to take the "buddy tape" off because I think it was swelling beyond it). I just hope I can still prayer walk on Saturday.

This week was "Synthesis Week" for the Renovaré Institute that I attended last week in Santa Barbara. I feel sort of like I cheated. Because we have had "Kingdom Communities" in place since 2009, we know what it is like to live in the reality of a "community of prayerful love" full of Kingdom Seekers. I am so grateful for the community that we have here in Corvallis. So, I was sort of lonely at the Institute. Like I was an outsider looking in at people coming to the realization that the Kingdom is here and now. It was delightful to see, but it was like I wasn't really invited to the party and was looking in through the glass windows from the outside. 

It did not help that my back went out ROYALLY, and I was somewhat alienated from others because I had to lie on my back for relief, and I became the girl with the "bad back" (which is not true - a massage therapist INJURED me, and I was so sad about that) that people walked by and said, "Poor girl," but few came in to talk while I was flat on my back. So, the only way I could enter in was to say good-bye to the pain and talk at meals, and I did. I was lost in that, but the after effect was set backs in my healing. But that is OK, I had delightful conversations other than one time. That time was hard because I saw such pain in the other person, but that person is closed, wounded, defensive. The person does not feel safe with me yet. So I could not pry, but I can certainly pray.

I like the people though, but there were two points where I thought I might quit. But I asked for confirmation, and You gave it to me. Then I asked again after I got home, and George said, "Let's ask God." So, I am still asking God, but I am pretty sure that I will stick around. It just takes time to make new friends, and I feel like I missed those first two crucial, initial days. People walking off to the beach, which I had dreamed of doing, but I never got to do. Bonding happens on walks, but I was spending them flat on my back, but God told me to look up, and I saw the birds and the sky. He told me to skip an evening Lectio Divina time and do it by myself in my room on my back (after I had a good cry). 

I think the time I felt most lonely was when everyone was playing games on the last night. I am not a big game player, and I hoped that some would just want to talk; but one by one, the people I was talking to were asked to join tables of game players, but no one asked me. I felt like crying. (Rudolph wasn't asked to join in any reindeer games is running through my head right now.) So, I just went back to my room. I wasn't sad once I sat down to finish my book, but I was walking to my room.

The next morning was much better though when I got up to about 2/3rds the number of people because the other 1/3 had early morning flights home. That number was more manageable, and it seemed like many of the Introverts gathered around in the morning sun to process things, and that was good for my soul. I also prayed for confirmation again, and we were all to pray for people on our right and on our left, and one of the them was the speaker who was always in the room in which I was laying on my back. He was the only one who saw how much pain I was truly in. He is a true introvert in that he did not engage with others in the Free Time and was by himself a lot. I know I need to be by myself because that is what energizes me, but I love people too! So, it is always the conflict I face when I am in large groups of new people.

It was also helpful to process with Kim when I came back. I wish I had a soul-mate there. I wish I had asked George to come and do it with me. That would have been so much better, but even when I was with George when we went to Europe, and the "drinkers" all became a clique in our tour group, and they initially wanted us but then realized we weren't drinker so quit inviting us to their gatherings, I felt hurt. Silly me. I have never seen those people since and will not see them again, but it brought me back to high school when my friends started sleeping around and smoking pot, and they left me alone because they knew I wouldn't do the things they were doing. It was lonely. 

So, I go through the painful process of becoming accustomed to a new group of people. That is always scary and hard for me. But I think I will stick with it because I like the leadership, and I also like the things we are reading. 

This was longer than 15 minutes, but it was good to process out loud, so to speak. 

Falling In Love

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love ...
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.
Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ (1907-1991)

56. The Lord and His Prayer by N.T. Wright

This is a wonderful little book that expands upon the Lord's Prayer in such a beautiful way. I have heard N.T. Wright speak, but I had only read excerpts of his writing, and this is a nice introduction. 

It takes each phrase and really gives it such a "kingdom-minded" treatment. Well-worth reading.

Prayer Review of Tuesday-Thursday

What made me feel most alive and in tune with God's plan:

• Teaching Pilates to eager 20-somethings
• Working in a positive university environment with lovely coworkers
• Renovaré Institute readings 
• The LORD's Prayer meditation
• Updating my syllabi and making them be up to the PAC Template (submitting to my authority was hard at first but yielded peaceful fruit in the end)
• Praying around the Campus with John and George
• Praying with Katherine through neighborhoods and have Kent run into us and say, "Oh, are you prayer walking?"
• Walking in the rain through my "Entering Gates" of the East Campus of OSU singing my song and loving the fall in Corvallis
• Poldark - Bella Poldark is the last novel out of 12. LOVE THIS SERIES! Why did you have to die Winston Graham?
• Alexa Worship Music - I really like this feature! I never thought I would enjoy this new device like I have.
• Discussing life with young moms in my living room 
• Knowing speaking to groups is a "sweet spot" for my gifts, talents, personality, and abilities.
• Feeling is pleasure as I moved my body in Pilates - passing on the passion of Pilates to young people
• Freedom from hip pain after my classes
• Finding subs for my October 11 classes
• Sweet text from my friend who just moved
• Eating healthy one of those days
• Ice cream and chocolate on Thursday because is was sort of stressful.
• Ease of renewing my NASM-CPT certification
• Renovaré Justine and doing the Book Club - so looking forward to these LIFE GIVING books (and one of them last year made me start doing this exercise)

What made me feel most dead and not in tune with God's plan:

• Saying, "No" to another person (story of my life) - yes this is a "rinse and repeat" from my Monday life-deadening statement. Only this is another person asking another "little thing" of me, and I want to SCREAM! It is so very stressful for me to stay, "No" to people. I am just at full capacity, and this is probably THE busiest week of my entire year. It is also a busy year because I have CPR - CPT - Power Pilates Certifications all due in the Fall. I guess the "little" request was also so "out there," and the person knows how busy I am. I have got to get better at saying no graciously. 
• Having a person complain about how I did something when they are just not putting any effort into reading directions.
• Expectation that I am going to make things happen when people have enthusiastic ideas - your idea - your execution.
• Opposite experience filing my recertification for Power Pilates versus the above NASM-CPT. NASM took TWO MINUTES. Power Pilates took about four hours because they required PDF of all my certification that I got THROUGH THEM and they sent to me. SO, why don't they just have them on file like NASM does? Made NO SENSE, and now I know I have to keep a PDF copy of everything to upload. Next time will be easier, but I did get really frustrated and ordered that chocolate when Michael went to get more milk
• The Confederate Flag controversy at our university and some unexpected aftermath when I voiced I was going to pray it comes down.
• Michael not being able to be an Uber driver because his car is too old. 
• People taking but not offering to give even halfway
• Feeling alone when I am tired
• Feeling like a failure - I am believing a false narrative, and I want to get to the bottom of that. Honestly have not felt this way in so long. 
• Culture shock back to working with a new population of people
• George might lose his job
• George having major pressure at work
• Extra time required to get things up and running at work (not necessarily out of God plan though)
• Being stressed when I needed to rest
• Seeing Michael struggle to find a job in his field

Ways to show my love for God and others today:

Love on my friends as we prepare food for tomorrow.

Gifts God has given not already covered in feeling alive:

A spouse I can talk to anytime
Low stress children
Seeing Paul thrive in graphic design

Prayerful Review of Monday

I have not done a prayerful review in quite some time. Maybe months. So, I am going to try to do them during this busy time. 

What made me feel most alive and in tune with God's plan:

• Getting my teeth cleaned. Resting in the chair. Taking care of myself. 
• Not overeating
• Prayer walking with Katherine
• Reading Poldark
• Drinking Chai in the morning
• Meditating on the Lord's Prayer after a negative encounter
• Walking - just the simple experience of putting one foot in front of the others
• Listening to My Music on Alexa: Classical, Celtic
• Having down time between 12:45-4:45
• Walking to my OSU meeting and hearing the diversity gathering
• The aliveness and hope of the OSU campus
• Watching people dance and seeing they have skill for the first time

What made me feel most dead and not in tune with God's plan:

• Guarded, annoyed reaction from a person
• Saying, "No" to another person (story of my life)
• Finding the volunteer schedule for Friday is different from how I was first told
• Still a bit of pain in my right hip area
• Traffic

Ways to show my love for God and others today:

The leadership team for IMG. Welcome them to my peaceful, open, and loving home. 

Gifts God has given not already covered in feeling alive:

My boys who left the kitchen extra clean after George gave them encouragement to do so

Laughter of two brothers who get along so well

Rain to put out fires

Lost in Meditation Gregorian Chants on Alexa

That was good! Now off to prayer.

Monday Freewrite Fifteen

I am not sure why I have not done very many freewrites over the last few months. They are usually pretty cathartic for me, and I am always happy to write. 

So, I am going to try to do more. I have been pretty busy. I have written a lot, but it has been more privately and not on a blog. So, just changed focus for a while.

It was a full summer. I worked hard. I rewrote/organized the manual for our Kingdom Community to fit our needs. That was the biggest thing I did. I also took the Weight Loss Specialist course to recertify for my personal training. I also did the four Pilates classes that I needed to recertify for that too. I just finished up my last credit for both of those by doing a CPR/AED and First Aid class with OSU. So, I am totally caught up and just need to enter it all online before October 31 for one and December 18 for the other. 

I start teaching classes on Wednesday, and it will be so good to force myself to do Pilates four times a week! I didn't do so well doing it that many times on my own, and I only did it 1-2 times a week. I can totally feel it in my core! I was great on cardio (mostly walking and hiking) and stretched almost every single morning. Also, I got a good resistance training program down for the summer, but I didn't keep up with all my core work like usual, and it all caught up with me a couple of weeks ago. OUCH! My QL muscle wigged out on me again. Too much walking always makes my QL wig out if I am not also doing Pilates with it. Lesson learned. I must find a teaching gig for the summer where I can do subbing. That will at least keep me up on it. 

Oh well. I also go a lot of reading done for my Renovaré Institute course. I love it so far, and I will be going to my residency in a little less than three weeks. I am so happy. I also am almost done with the entire Poldark series. I have about 500 more pages to go.

We also started up our ministry again, and we have seven people that are just precious. I also do three trainings in the next 11 days. Lots on my plates right now, but it is so good for me to be doing all I do out of overflow. 

That is the key. OVERFLOW. I would not have the power without the overflow of His power flowing through me. I know that it is useless to do things on my own power or self-effort. 

I have one more meeting until my classes start. Hoping that I can manage all that I have on my plate. God is good all the time. 

I know this is very stream-of-consciousness kind of stuff. But I write for an audience of ONE. :) 

I have four more minutes. Oh yes, lay offs at George's work. Will is happen AGAIN like it did in 2008!? Stay tuned. It would mean he would be back here with me. :) I wouldn't mind that one bit. I suppose we will find out soon. No fear when the Lord is near. 

What else should I say. The Vietnam War by Ken Burns in one this week. I fell asleep but will watch it right now during my rest time. (Along with finishing my last Poldark novel.) 

Well, I think the timer is going to go off. So enjoy that I can write. 

Oh yes, I am "festooning" on the Lord's prayer:

My wonderful Father who is behind me and before me and inhabits my space, nearby and close to my heart.

Kept holy is your wonderful name. Treasured in my heart. Honored in my thoughts. On the tip of my tongue. 

Your Kingdom rule come and your will be done on this earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day all that we need, no more and no less. 

Forgive me of anything that I may do that does not honor and please you. Help me to forgive others too.

Protect us from temptations of this world, the flesh, and the devil. Get us out of any scrapes we may get in with him.  Keep us from any bad thing.

For my heart is under the rule of Your eternal Kingdom. You hold all the power. You get all the glory now and forever.

AMEN! 

55. The Twisted Sword (Poldark #11) by Winston Graham

I am almost done with this LONG saga. This was SO good! I am going to miss this series, but I am trying to finish them before I have to get back to teaching in 10 days!

54. The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard

I know. You have seen this book SEVERAL times on this blog. And yes, I already read it one time this year. Last time, I listened to it. This time, I read it more than listened to it, and I took COPIOUS notes since it is part of the Renovaré Institute fall reading schedule. The pages are printing, and I cut and pasted 37 pages of notes from the book. I am insane, but I really love this book, and it grows on me each time I read it.

Dallas had me at "HELLO" when I read this book for the first time in 2009. I thought things were obvious, but the more I read it, the more I realize these things are not obvious to most believers, and I think he articulates things so well.  It is part of our ministry curriculum every year, and most people LOVE this book. 

It is interesting to read it after listening to his talks on Kingdom at the Hollywood Presbyterian Church in 1990. That teaching series was the genesis of this book. 

Abundant life is what it is all about. Life in the KINGDOM is so fun and exciting and wonderful. I believe with all my heart that Jesus was the smartest man who every walked this earth, and apprenticing myself to Him is what life is all about!

Willard suggests that one soak in and meditate on many Scripture passages, and the Renovaré Institute has already included two of those passages in the "praxis" (a fancy word for practice) portion of their curriculum. In August, I soaked deeply in Colossians 3:1-17. So YUMMY! September's Praxis Exercise is the Lord's Prayer. These are two passages I already had on my summer "Curriculum for Christlikeness" (something he suggests we do in order to be intentional about apprenticing to Jesus) already! 

Highly recommend this book. 

Fifteen Minute Freewrite

I have not written a freewrite in what seems like months. Possibly skipped the whole summer long. I am not sure why that is, but I had a wonderful and full summer. I think this is the first one in a while where I did not enter it in any state of physical exhaustion. I felt like last year held a lot of balance for me, and it continued into the summer. I also decided not to have any little cohorts other than my Kingdom Community meeting about five or six time, missional community four times, and one Cooking and Conversation Club. 

I also FINALLY reordered and wrote parts of a new Kingdom Community Training Workbook. It was a labor of love, but I loved every minute of that enterprise. I think I spent over 150 hours editing it. That was my big project for late July. 

I read a LOT of Poldark too. But I also started my reading for the Renovaré Institute Seattle Cohort. I spent mornings out on my deck reading and writing notes for most of July. Somehow, August got busier even though we were supposed to go to the Middle East, but our Visas got denied. But I had to renew my Pilates and Personal Training Certifications, and  As I also loved my recertification training. I got a Weight Loss Specialist Certification and Pilates is always fun and easy for me. I just had to get over my fear of taking a test!

Of course I has my M.A.S.S. (Morning Affirmations, Scripture, and Stretching) and went on many walks. At the beginning of the summer, I went on all the bus routes (except the HP one) and prayed over the city. That was fun! I also memorized Colossians 3:1-17 in August. 

I met with many women, went camping (caught 21 fish among all 11 of us), and hosted 11 people for the Solar Eclipse. Overall, it was a lovely summer, and I must remember that I really have 2 1/2 more weeks until school starts, but I must get my CPR/AED and attend many meetings. I think that means no 40th high school reunion, but that is OK. I have too much on my plate, and I don't have anyone "really hoping I will come." The two people I really want to see will not be there. I like them all, but it is OK to miss it this time. I will go to Santa Barbara in October for Renovaré Institute, and that will be enough money to shell out for a trip down south. 

I have loved everything about this summer, and it has really been free of any drama.

Oh my, there you go with the 15 minutes. That went very quickly!

I

My Money is on Texas - Beautiful

52. The Miller's Dance by Winston Graham

Great in every way!

53. The Loving Cup (Poldark Series #10)

I am so amazed at how this saga continues to enthrall me and surprise me! There were a couple of shockers her that made me gasp out loud in the quiet library where I was reading! Great series!

51. Life in the Trinity by Fairbairn

I do like this book. It is readable theology. I liked his take on looking at what the early church fathers wrote, and it helped that I had read Athanasius' On the Incarnation earlier in the year for the Renovaré Book Club. This book is for the Renovaré Institute. (Thank you Justine for helping me learn how to make the l'accent aigu!)

He talks of the "Scarlet Thread" throughout Scripture. I didn't know it was commonly embraced in evangelical circles today. If you follow my other blog: www.3yearbiblebookclub.blogspot.com, you know I am all about the "Scarlet Thread."

I was reading his book while in a row boat fishing at Clear Lake. My friend, Gladwin, grabbed the book and thought it very readable. He is a big theology person. I could be, but I don't want to be. I just want to love God. But this book is a good introduction to theology that emphasizes the relational aspect.

50. The Stranger from the Sea by Winston Graham

I just had to include this cover of the book because my library has the original hardback version of the the book published in 1981. It amazes me that he wrote the twelve books in the series between 1945 - 2002 with a 20 year hiatus between books 4 & 5!

This is book 8/12. Love this cover! :) Love the storyline with more concentration on the next generation of Poldarks/Warleggan, especially Jeremy. 

48-49 The Four Swans and The Angry Tide

The plot thickens. At the end of the Angry Tide, that is the end of the series from the 70's. So, I wasn't super surprised at its ending, but from here on out, the Poldark saga will be new material. (Except there was a movie that we saw with the next generation of Poldarks, but I don't really remember much about it.) The Four Swans had something very different from the old TV version, and it will be interesting to see how the new series handles it! 
Again, the writing is excellent. My husband and I both intersected on the same novel over our anniversary weekend so I read him the story on the way to the coast and back with our own copies to read in between. We walked about 12 miles on Saturday around Newport, but we managed to get many pages of reading in while we were there.

Quote that hit me in light of unrest all over the world today:

"All atrocities are duly punished - or at least avenged. One never knows who begins them - only that they set off a train of consequences that never end."

Ross Poldark in The Angry Tide by Winston Graham

47. Face to Face: Praying the Scriptures for Intimate Worship

I am so behind in my reviews. I always forget to add this little gem into my reading every year. It is a lovely little prayer book with Scripture for each day of a three month cycle. I have use it regularly so go through the whole thing at least once a year. :) I just found it on Kindle this last round. Now I don't have to take my book with me on my walks anymore! 

46. The Black Moon by Winston Graham

The writing is still superb! I wish I would have read this much sooner. It has been delightful to read it over the summer months. My husband is reading them at the same time. So it has been so fun to discuss them! 

45. Warleggan by Winston Graham

He is a more modern day author (even though he has passed away), but he captivates me like an Austen or a Dickens. Some people were just born to write. I don't want to give anything away. I suggest the whole series. 

44. The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith

I really loved this book. It is simply about falling in love with God. Each chapter deals with a characteristic of God and the false narratives that we believe about Him and what is true through the life of Jesus. I loved the soul-training exercises at the end. If someone says "Meh" about it (as I read one review), I wonder more about that person than the book. I think this would be especially good for someone with a poor concept of God based on their parental picture. 

43. Jeremy Poldark by Winston Graham

I continue to be so impressed by this author. He rates pretty high up there in my book. I get totally lost in his stories!

The new television adaptation follows the books much more closely than the 70's version. 

It is interesting to hear that Caroline is the one who is tall with red hair in the books! So different from both television versions. 

42. Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You by John Ortberg

I have read two other John Ortberg books (well three, if you count Living in Christ's Presence which is a transcript of a conference he did with Dallas Willard), and I always enjoy them. He has a very casual and easy writing style. This is a foundational book if one wants to understand the care of the soul. It is also very sweet because it is somewhat of an ode to his mentor, Dallas Willard. It chronicles their relationship over the years until Dallas' death in 2013. 

We often joke that John Ortberg is "Dallas for Dummies" as sometimes Dallas is difficult for people to understand. (But so worth the investment of time to get to understanding.)  Much of this book is a simpler version of book #41 on my 2017 reading list, The Renovation of the Heart. I adored that book, and I adore this book as well. They are both worth an investment of time with this book perhaps being a good place to start as it is more accessible. I also highly recommend, The Good and Beautiful God which I am currently reading and EATING UP! YUM! YUM!



The book starts out with an analogy that is explained in this YouTube video:



The stream is your soul. And you are the keeper. 

Then it goes on to talk about care of the soul. So rich.

“A very simple way to guard your soul is to ask yourself, “Will this situation block my soul’s connection to God?” As I begin living this question I find how little power the world has over my soul. What if I don’t get a promotion, or my boss doesn’t like me, or I have financial problems, or I have a bad hair day? Yes, these may cause disappointment, but do they have any power over my soul? Can they nudge my soul from its center, which is the very heart of God? When you think about it that way, you realize that external circumstances cannot keep you from being with God. If anything, they draw you closer to him.”  

“Our problem is that this world does not teach us to pay attention to what matters. We circulate résumés that chronicle what we have accomplished, not who we have become. The advertisements we watch, the conversations we hold, the criteria by which we are judged, and the entertainment we consume all inflame our desire to change our situation, while God waits to redeem our souls.”

“Whether with an entire day, or periods of time set aside every day, your soul needs rest. Not a change of scenery or a spiritual retreat — those are fine and may contribute to rest. But to remain healthy, our souls need solitude with no agenda, no distractions, no noise. If someone asks you what you did in your “time apart,” the correct response should be, “Nothing.” Doing nothing does wonders for the soul.” 

“Your soul is what integrates, what connects, what binds together your will, then your mind (those thoughts, feelings, and desires going on all the time), and then your body (with all of its appetites, habits, and behavior). God designed us so that our choices, our thoughts and desires, and our behavior would be in perfect harmony with each other and would be powered by an unbroken connection with God, in perfect harmony with him and with all of his creation. That is a well-ordered soul.”

“When we reach out to God, we are lifting our souls up to be nurtured and healed. A soul centered in God always knows it has a heavenly Father who will hold its pain, its fear, its anxiety. This is spiritual life: to place the soul each moment in the presence and care of God. “My soul cleaves to you, your right hand upholds me.” It is much harder than it sounds to keep our souls centered on God. We hold on tightly, but often to the wrong things. But staying centered on God — his word, his ways — is the essence of life for the soul.”

41. Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard

 

This might just be my favorite book by Dallas Willard. I suppose Living in Christ's Presence is really my favorite, but that is a transcript from a conference, and they made a book out of it. So it is a little different.

This is The Divine Conspiracy with feet on it. It is about spiritual transformation. It is lovely in every way, and I highly recommend it.

I listened to the audiobook, and it is a treat because it is actually Dallas Willard reading the book in his peaceful and calm voice.

40. Demelza: A Novel of Cornwal,l 1788-1790 (The Poldark Saga #2)

I wanted to listen to the audiobook of this so I waited and waited while I had it on hold. That meant almost a three month break between books. I wish I had just started to read the hardcopy that my husband had picked up for me back in April. 

Still waiting for the audiobook, I finally started reading that hard copy (yes, he kept renewing the checkout) last weekend, and I could not put it down! THEN, my audiobook came in while I was about 1/4 of the way through, and I finished it quickly. Needless to say, I am NOT going to wait for the audiobook of the third book (they did not have it so I had a purchase request that they fulfilled, but there were two people in front of me) and go pick up the hard copy that is waiting at the library.

The story is so compelling. Graham is a superb writer. This narration was not as good as the first one which was narrated by a man. This one was by a woman, and I just did not like how she portrayed Ross Poldark's voice. But many of the other voices were quite good. 

Here is my first review for background of the whole series:

 http://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2017/04/12-ross-poldark-by-winston-graham.html

And here is a link to my review of the gorgeous photo book of Cornwall that makes the whole series come alive:

http://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2017/05/24-poldarks-cornwall-by-winston-graham.html

IndepenDANCE Day Freewrite 2017

Yes, I know how to spell Independence, but I misspelled it in my journal today, and God whispered that "Independence makes you DANCE!" :) 

I feel a little freer this morning after some pointed conversation with God. Stemming from 2 Chronicles 15:17 in Face to Face: Praying the Scriptures for Intimate Worship 

"May I remove the places of idolatry from my life,

and like King Asa, let my heart be fully committed (blameless)

to You all my days." 

I sensed that "still, small voice" say, "Your #1 place of idolatry is people." 

Yes, people, their inclusion and somewhat their approval. Dallas Willard quoted George Mueller (Dallas and George are both literary mentors for me) in the book I am reading. I learned this quote in the early 80's, and it used to be on my wall:

"There was a day when I died:

- Died to George Mueller: to his tastes, his opinions, his preferences and his will

- Died to the world - its approval or censure.

- Died to the approval or blame even of my brethren and friends.

Since then I have studied only to show myself

approved unto God."

(from George Mueller: Man of Faith, Warren Myers, Singapore)

For me, it is inclusion in the activities of my friends. Also, I admitted that I wanted vindication of a nasty rumor spread about me eleven years ago. I was vindicated, and the person was discredited, but no one came back to me to apologize for believing that person's vicious lies about me. So, that is idolatry. I want approval from them. God said I don't need it. 

God led me to "Whom have I in heaven but Thee . . . You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:25). I know people don't mean to be this way, but God has this plan.

He led me to telling me some pretty awesome things about a precious gift He has, and we must wait (leading me into Psalm 37 and resting in Him and waiting patiently for Him, not fretting because of others).

You said I must keep on going deeper with Him and never stop. Others do stop. He told me to be an aroma to those who are perishing and those who have stopped growing and do not know this full, abundant, abiding life (that I have only tasted a glimpse of but am pressing in every farther on it)! It means feeling excluded from good things, but it isn't the BEST thing for me. 

Idolatry of people. Yep, that is it.

Then . . . 

"There is no one (including YOU, Carol) who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake who will not receive a hundred times as much in this present age - houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields, along with persecutions, and in the age to come, eternal life." (Matthew 19:29; Mark 10:29-30)

"Let goods and kindred go

This mortal life also"

IndepenDANCE Day Baby! Go ahead and DANCE!

39. The Global Refugee Crisis: How Should We Respond?

A fascinating pro/con look at the refugee crisis with the transcript of the debate and pre-debate interviews of the four participants. I learned quite a bit. They poll the audience before and after and the difference is quite substantial with one side winning the audience over with their argument. They certainly helped me decide!

38. It's Not OK: Turning Heartbreak Into Happily Never After

I am embarrassed to say that I even read this book! It certainly was not one I would ever buy or even put on hold for that matter.

I was at the library last Sunday, and I already had a pile of books on Iran (going there this summer), Farsi language CDs, a book on the Appalachian trail, numerous Iranian films, and a book about introverts in church. This book was on display at the end of one of the library shelves, and I threw it in the pile.

Since I have worked with women who have come out of abusive relationships, I wanted to get inside this woman's head.

This franchise has always intrigued me. So, I thought an inside perspective would help me understand why anyone would want to do a show like that.

I came away thinking: she is a very shallow, immature person. If she wanted to make her ex-fiancé look bad, she did that; but she made herself look even worse. I feel so sorry for her. She is not very self-reflective and takes no personal responsibility for anything. I feel like she is a little girl lost with very little integrity as a person. (Who splits the seam while trying on pants in a department store and does not tell the store and offer to pay? Who has "revenge" sex months after breaking up with her ex-fiancé and is proud of it? YUK!) The reviews I have read were pretty aghast at her behavior also.

She was afraid of losing her dignity by doing these shows, and I think she has. But hey, she is making  more money now doing pretty frivolous things than she did being a lawyer who put away gang members in Atlanta. It is so sad she has sold out to all of this.

Getting inside this woman's head made me realize she needs a good therapist and a reality check.

Her ex-fiancé does end up looking very bad. There is no question in my mind that, if her allegations are true, he is a typical narcissistic personality type and verbally abusive and quite shallow (I have seen him on TV, and I could have told you that within two seconds). But she is pretty shallow herself. It is pretty disgusting how she describes men in such a sexual way.

One more thing: her gratuitous use of the "F" word is very off-putting.

Not impressed.

I think it is funny that I would read this book after reading Saint Athanasius and The Great Omission by Dallas Willard and concurrent with listening to a Dallas Willard book called Renovation of the Heart. In many ways it was a modern day example of a non-renovated heart!

I do hope she finds God someday. That is when the true fun begins!

My foray into popular culture has now ended, and I will go back to my regularly scheduled book reading.

Reviews:

"Did she really just write that? OMG, she totally just wrote that....Downright shocking." (USA Today)

"[Dorfman's] delivering plenty of surprising (and some disturbing) details." (Cosmopolitan)

37. The Great Omission by Dallas Willard

This book is part of the Renovaré Institute curriculum. So I thought I would read/listen to it before the school started. This is a compilation of articles and talks that Dallas Willard gave over many years about Jesus' final commandment to "make disciples of all the nations." I liked it!

36. Motivation Manifesto: 9 Declarations to Claim Your Personal Power by Burchard

I must have clicked on this guy from an ad on Facebook, and it linked to this six minute video:

In this video, he talks about six things behind motivation (that are fleshed out in p. 57-66 of the book):

SPARKING MOTIVATION
1. Ambition - the choice to be, have, do, or experience something greater in our lives. By deeply contemplating higher aims, we energize ourselves to pursue them.

2. Expectancy - a choice to believe that our dreams are possible and that we can achieve them. Desire without belief in self is ultimately deflating.

SUSTAINING MOTIVATION
3. Focus (Attention) - Giving our ambitions consistent mental attention keeps the drive alive, our energies swirling win anticipation. Don't let the distractions of the day steal mental focus. Real downfall: distraction. We mustn't let our dreams die in the daylight because we lose focus while responding to the world's lame interests or false emergencies. We mustn't take our eyes off of our goal.

4. Effort - Choice to continue on no matter what. (My note: The science of motivation say that if you START a project you are more likely to finish it since you started it already, and it nags at you.)

AMPLIFYING MOTIVATION
5. Attitude - Free and motivated people are positive and enthusiastic about their goals and their lives. Motivation never kindles anyone's soul to it brightest burn unless he or she is open-minded and fired with an enthusiasm for life. An open and positive disposition toward the world can attract people, bring joy into our experience, and channel the highest energies of the universe.

6. Environment - "Hang with people who grow or give" (from the video). Surround ourselves by people who are sane and positive. Few things amplify our long-term motivation more than a positive social environment. Distance ourselves from those with bad attitudes, for their energy is contagious and corrupting.  Also be disciplined in shaping our physical environment. Our workspaces should inspire us.

So, the video peaked my interest to order the free book. I am about halfway through his free video series, and I like it.

Before I had even read the book (it took me a few months to get around to reading it), the notes from the video were in my workspace, and the quote, "Hang with people who give and grow" really helped clarify why I was so down after being with some people from my past back in May. They are not people who give and grow, and they have never been that way with me. They have mostly taken, and, for the most part, they have not grown in the many years I have known them. I moved on many years ago, and I am SO GLAD! :)

Here is the free book: https://goo.gl/voI20L (I don't get anything for giving you this link)

Declarations 1-3 were really significant for me, and I underlined a lot. I got a bit bored with Declaration 4-8. They are good declarations, but they were more obvious to me being a follower of Jesus. The book ended strongly for me with Declaration 9 as I am taking everything in for "two beats longer," and it has been great! 

Here are those Declarations:

1. MEET LIFE WITH FULL PRESENCE AND POWER
2. RECLAIM YOUR AGENDA
3. DEFEAT YOUR DEMONS
4. ADVANCE WITH ABANDON
5. PRACTIVE JOY AND GRATITUDE
6. DO NOT BREAK INTEGRITY
7. AMPLIFY LOVE
8. INSPIRE GREATNESS
9. SLOW TIME

The most significant one for me was "Reclaim your Agenda" as I had a group sort of steal my agenda from me. I had not read this part of the book yet, but the week prior, I dropped out of leadership after only two weeks when I realized that my agenda was being hijacked by the group, and I feel like my agenda is the one God gave me. So this book really confirmed it for me. I am a recovering people-pleaser, and I have to be really careful to not let people control me. I have learned the "power of no."

I am not in charge or responsible for the wrecks others have created in their lives

and I do not need to save everyone in my life."

That is the conclusion that I came to with this group when I realized all the conflict that would take forever to unravel.

I have often allowed other people to cage my spirit and stifle my potential. A term the author calls "social oppression" (p. 14). I also liked the things he said about fear.

 I liked many things he said, and I would recommend this book, especially for those who struggle in these areas!

35. Living Your Strengths by Winseman, Clifton, and Liesveld

This is the Clifton StrengthsFinder for churches. It was helpful, but I hear the regular Clifton StrengthsFinder book gives you test results that are more detailed.

I had purchased this in 2012 because a woman who is an expert on this was coming to the Shalom Prayer Center to teach a four week class. I was so excited and willing to drive up to Mt. Angel four Tuesday nights in a row to learn (since Learner is my #1 Signature Theme). Alas, I was the only one who signed up for the class so it was canceled. This book was required for the class, and my library did not have it. I had already shelled out the money and bought it at the higher price in the Shalom Prayer Center Bookstore. Drat. Hardcover, new, and not at a discount. Then the class was canceled! A year later, my ministry team purchased the StrengthsFinder 2.0 book for everyone on the team. So, my husband was given the book. I wish I had retaken the test and used the more detailed test, but I didn't want to be greedy and have them buy me my own books since I had already taken the test, and my husband was already getting one for free.

This was good. I liked the descriptions. The chapter "Using Your Talents for Growth and Service" had some pretty silly ideas for developing the strengths in the church, but the book overall was useful. I especially liked that many of my strengths complement my husband's. That doesn't surprise me, but it was nice to have it "officially" confirmed.

My Signature Themes are (drumroll please):




Learner - You have a great desire to learn, and you want to continually improve. In particular, the process of learning rather than outcome excites you.

Empathy - You sense the feelings of other people by imagining yourself in others' lives or others' situations.

Achiever - You have a great deal of stamina and work hard. You take great satisfaction from being busy and productive (me: not from being busy but definitely productive).

Connectedness - You have faith in the links between all things. You believer there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

Relator - You enjoy close relationships with others. You find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

 I guess if I had bought the other book, it would have shown me more themes, but I can tell from reading the book that other strengths behind that top 5 are:


Focus - You can take a direction, follow through, and make the corrections necessary to stay on track. You prioritize, then act.

Context - You enjoy thinking about the past. You understand the present by researching its history.

Self-Assurance - You feel confident in your ability to manage your own life.  You possess an inner compass that gives you confidence that your decisions are right.

Developer - You recognize and cultivate the potential in others. You spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

"If you want to build a ship,

don't drum up people together to collect wood

and don't assign them tasks and work,

but rather teach them to long

for the endless immensity of the sea."

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY

34. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty by Thurber

It is short and sweet and gets inside the head of someone who escapes in his thoughts. I am not one to do that, but I hear other people are, and it fascinates me! Interesting story.

33. Know Why You Believe by Paul E. Little

I downloaded this in April as a Free Book of the Month from Christianaudio.com. (Great company, by the way, and they have their big half-yearly sale going on right now with 7.49 for most books. I am not paid to say that either!) I am waiting for some audiobook holds from the library, and it is a short book. I think I read this in college. I am not a big apologetics person, but I love how this book is chock-full of Scripture. Lloyd James is a very pleasant narrator too. This will give you the basics of Christianity. The nurse during my acupuncture appointment said she has the whole set of his books, but she has never read them. I think I inspired her!

32. The Making of a Leader by J. Robert Clinton

This is my third time reading through this book as I discuss it with a woman I have been meeting with for several years. I really love it, and reading through it this time, I realize how much of the principles in the book are so deeply ingrained in me that I forgot that I learned them from this book. I think I read it back in the 90s. It is probably my favorite book on leadership development. I use his "time lines" when I take people through the SHAPE process (Spiritual Gifts, Heart Passions, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences), as it is very helpful for people to see patterns and life stages of their own development. I highly recommend this book.

31. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe

I had never read anything by an African author so this was very educational. I found it was very slow in parts, but I think that was because of the narrator more than anything else. So, I put it up to 1.25 speed, and it went much better for me! 

I thought it was much more interesting once I got to the part about the missionaries coming and being super culturally insensitive to the people and their customs and way of life. When Western imperialism was added, it became a very interesting conclusion to the story because things fell apart! 

This is usually on lists of classic books to read. So I am glad that I read it for with my Book Dames group. I will add more once we discuss it in mid-July. 

30. The Pearl That Broke Its Shell by Nadia Hashimi

Words cannot expressed how much I loved this book. The writing is very engaging, and it is hard to believe that this book is the first novel by this author.

This story is about a woman in the modern day, and her great-great grandmother in the early 1900's. It is about women, and the things they go through in this patriarchal culture.

I have dear friends from Afghanistan. I hope they can read, and we can discuss it!

I am so surprised that librarything.com predicted with "high confidence" that I probably would not like this book. This could not be farther than the truth.

Here is a really interesting radio interview with the author:

http://nadiahashimi.com/news-media/