Monday Musings

Well-Watered Soul/Well-Adjusted Heart


These two are so inexorably combined that I cannot separate the two. So, I will do these together from now on. The music from this song is gently playing in the background:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It really is well with my soul after almost two weeks of not doing very well. 

Part of it was I realized I had said, "Yes" too much, and the "No's" I had said were challenged, or I perceived a challenge. Death, nausea, tiredness, deadlines, pressure, complaining where all pressing on me too much. I needed to disengage for a while to get perspective. Honestly, the biggest turning point was going on a walk with Nancy on Friday afternoon. I managed to keep it together at different points along the journey, but I realized how very alone I felt. I am not a very dependent person, but the one local person that I do go to just doesn't have the capacity at this stage in her journey, and I do NOT begrudge that, but where am I to go. I tried it with the dear little 25 year old, but I realized it wasn't fair to her or to me. She doesn't have the whole picture of life yet to see where I am coming from. Does not have the balancing act of husband and children. She is so sweet, but she is limited in what she can really understand or hear my heart. Plus, she is a personality type that I often don't feel heard. My "go to" people are those who are similar to my own type. They "get it" because they understand how hard we work at everything we do.  It is even hard to explain here, but I felt "heard" by Nancy on the walk on Friday afternoon. I felt heard by Debbie and Carol too, but they are not local, and I realized that I needed local, face to face being heard. 

I do have one friend  who has heard me on occasion, but she has had so much on her plate, and she doesn't really have anyone to listen and care. So, even when I left from my walk with George with many tears and decided to go to lunch by myself, she called an dumped on me during my private, relaxing lunch. I can go into that mode of listening, but I also steered the conversation away from all of that.

 Then, God had providentially given me a massage because I needed one when Dr. Koen couldn't see me (and I was sitting trying to schedule an appointment when that SNOTTY runner and her friends walked by me at Timberhill. That was another difficult thing that happened that I had forgotten about!), but I couldn't get a hold of this person and eventually saw Dr. Koen. Then, the girl called back last Wednesday, and I thought, "Well, I have no pain, but it might be good to see if she is good for future reference, and she was the BEST message I have ever had, and it was so perfectly timed with my very teary day. 

Then, my mother-in-law came to town, and we dropped everything to go to the Farmer's Market, look at rhododendrons on the OSU campus, go to a Mexican fiesta with free food and entertainment (totally unplanned surprise), dessert at Applebee's, movie with Teala and mom, and more talking at home. The perfect day that I would not have picked had I not had to. 

I did work that day, but the marriage devotional on Colossians 6 really was helpful and lovely.  I probalby took me seven hours on Saturday and Sunday and was one of the things on my "stress plate" but it helped. 

Also, somewhere in the blur of last week, I filled out all the paper work for Beyond Lebanon High School for Paul (I think while the men were on a walk), sat down with George to pound out a schedule for our summer trip, bought tickets with our reward points, put our names into Peter DeFazio's office for congressional aide tours, and made contact with my relatives in Pennsylvania! GREAT to get things off the PLATE! I had to disappoint Heba in the process, but I am OK with that. 

So, now I sit with the boys and George gone earlier than usual because of their dental appointments, and I am going to go for a walk, prep for the retreat on Friday/Saturday, and read Bruchko. No meeting with Stacy I. until AFTER my bible study and kingdom community wrap up. YAY!

I am back to balance. But I have had to realize that I need to seek out face to face friend time with people my own age and outwardly focused. 

Well-Educated Mind


This is part of my balance, and I haven't been going forward in it. It isn't just one more thing to do for me. It takes me to a different dimension in my mind and relieves stress and makes me think of things that affect my soul and heart! I have to write about this someday, but last week did not include as much of this dimension for my taste, and I have to have it and fight for it in my life or else I am back in Bellevue, WA wondering who I had become and on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

To say I am a life-long learner and value that is an understatement. Continuing to learn helps me to continue to develop as a whole person. So, last week was a bust on that. I eked out a short audiobook and a bit of Hemingway, but I need to keep pressing on my list. Keep moving forward.


Well-Tuned Strength


Another dimension of the balancing act. I cannot say that I have necessarily neglected it lately, but I had to rest after surgery on some of the most gorgeous days, and I haven't walked as much as I would like (primarily because I haven't done the audiobook thing very much lately), and that always gives me wonderful perspective. That is why walking out in the sunshine with Nancy on Friday and  with mother in law on Saturday was so special. Sunshine and Sweat are necessary for all of us..




Again, this is part of my balance

Fascinating Radio Interview about Exercise

Mother's Day Freewrite Fifteen

"This person realized that their pity party affects other people, and she didn't like it."

I spent a lot of time with a complainer a while ago, and it has affected me for quite a while. Why am I so sensitive to this type of thing? When I attempted to speak truth that they didn't want to hear, she complained about ME. UGH. I must disengaged. I am so sad about that. So hard when you truly care, but it is difficult when people just want to stay stuck in their stuff.

I had some pain in the early morning. I would have preferred to sleep in, but it looks like I am not going to have that option as it is better for me to sit or stand up to relieve the pain. This happens to me every once in a while.

Yesterday was totally lovely because I did no work AT ALL. Well, George corrected me when I told him how wonderful it was to not work all day. I said, "What do you mean? What work did I do?"  His reply, "Marriage retreat devotional, Carol."  OH I forgot. I got up at 4:45 am and worked until 10:15 am on the marriage retreat devotional. LOL! Well, once my mother-in-law came, I didn't work!

We visited in the living room. Then we drove to the Farmer's Market and saw Nessa and Pete holding hands! I was shocked. I went to hug Nessa, and I said, "We must talk!"  I turned around to have Peet say, "Carol, remember when you asked me a few months ago if I liked anyone. Well, I really didn't then."  LOL! I love it. Apparently, it was a very new relationship.  They have known each other since they were in their mother's wombs!

We had a lovely day at the Market. The sun was out. The produce was spectacular. Lots of flowers and samples and music and people. I LOVE CORVALLIS!

After this we drove to the campus. The rhododendrons were in FULL bloom. We could not have picked a better time. We try to do this on a yearly basis with George's mom, and they always bloom around Mother's Day. So, it is nice to combine the two. (I may add some pictures later, but this is a freewrite after all)

When we were walking I heard some music, and there was a FULL ON Mexican Fiesta with free FOOD! So, instead of spending money on an expensive lunch we ate there and watched a full show with singing and dancing. It was delightful (pictures maybe later).

Then, we continued looking at flowers and went to Applebee's for dessert. Then, Teala met us for the movie Mirror, Mirror at the Carmike. Teala and I both had very WEAK weeks (hey that sounds funny). So, we couldn't be there for the other. So, she said on Friday, "I just want to go somewhere where I can laugh." So, this was our solution. My mother in law loves Teala. So, it was very nice. I don't think MIL liked the movie a whole lot, and it was very slow in parts, but it was also very funny. The acting was also very good. So, I liked it.

After that, we came home. MIL and DH had some coffee, and we talked. Then, she drove home, and I did a bit of Ancestry.com stuff. Then we watched that funny BBC comedy on PBS called Outnumbered (best kid actors I have ever seen). Then, we watched What a Girl Wants with Colin Firth and Amanda Bynes. Nothing like seeing "Mr. Dashwood" dance in leather pants to top off a perfect day.

Well, I better go. The timer went off a while ago, but I got distracted by BBC Africa and forgot I was doing a freewrite. I am doing better every day.

Sad to Glad

Sad that Maurice Sendak died. Sorta' sad in general today, but counting blessings. 


Sad to glad:


Glad that George Weaver noticed we were almost out of milk and gas. 
Glad he went to get both.


Glad he made me chai tea and brought it to me all before he went to work.


Glad that my "little sis" Joann Linder is turning 50 and is counting down the 30 days.


Glad that this reminded me of my own 50 countdown: http://fiftycelebrations.blogspot.com/ with warm and wonderful friends.





Glad that we finally decided our general itinerary for our east coast trip.


Glad that my kids wake up nice rather than grumpy.


Glad that I have some time this morning to write (which has not been possible and needs to be a part of my everyday life like breathing).

People in Pain

Why do people in pain always knock me off my kilter. There is a picture of compassion and frustration that mingles together in the hours I spend with them. They need help, but they don't know that they need help.

52 in 52 Week 19: MondayAgain?!

I really enjoyed this quick audiobook, and it was free from www.learnoutloud.com. It had some great encouragement, quotes, and useful information! Surprising how much I enjoyed it for a motivational book. I listened to it on Monday, and it was just what I needed after a very hard week last week.

52 in 52 Week 19: Once Upon a Secret: My Affair with President John F. Kennedy and Its Aftermath by Mimi Alford

I listened to the audiobook read by Susan Denaker (6 hours, 28 minutes). Kennedy was beyond the label of "womanizer" and by this book can be put in the classification of sinister sexual predator. 


DISGUSTING!  I have no respect for the man. Not one inch of respect. He is no hero and was a horrible president just because he was a VERY immoral, sexually deviant man. The blind, women's rights feminists who slam Alford are also immoral. Their left-leaning political persuasion should not blind them to the truth of this book by slamming on Alford. I see her as a victim even though Alford does not see herself as one. 

There were times when I thought, "What an idiot!"  But then I remember I, too, was naive at 19 years old. There is so much you don't know about life, and if your circumstances put you in the wake of a predator, it is hard to be rational, especially since you haven't been warned about them. I had a similar predator at that age that sucked me into their web. Didn't know what hit me.


Just at the time I was thinking, "Where were her parents?" She said that they just weren't that involved with her at that stage of her life. As a mother of a 20 year old, that is hard for me to fathom, but those were different times. My parents weren't involved very much in my life either. We are much closer to our kids.

Yes, she was too naive, and she made a choice to continue in the affair.  She does not see herself as a victim, but I believe she was. She is too gracious to this man. I wonder if she has dealt with anger toward him. She seems very passive by nature. 

So sad how it really did affect her whole life. 


I really did not care for this narrator. She sounded too plastic and fake. 

State of "The Well" Freewrite

I haven't done one of these for a while. I haven't written for a few days either. So much has happened.


Well-Watered Soul


The state of my soul is good. I feel like I want to soak deeply today in Isaiah 9, "The people walking in darkness have seen a great light." I want to blast that song from Messiah this morning, but I don't want to wake the whole house up. The sun is coming up, and the light is coming into the house. I love that Jesus came to bring light into our dark, dark world, and I believe it with my heart and soul. 


I am also reading in (I just had a 50 minute Skype chat with Julie B. So I must restart the timer. LOL!) different New Testament verses about the incarnation of Jesus. It goes along so well with Jesus being the "light that dawned" for those in darkness! 


I have loved the interaction of the Old and New Testament I have had with doing the Bible Book Club AND the stuff for our Kingdom Community. 

We are still praying about inviting those to join our Kingdom Community with a missional purpose. Looking outward as our life together in the Kingdom flows out into the lives of all we touch. I like that!  Lord, give us words to communicate that.


I have a full and free day today and I want to pray as a friend, Glenn Ginder, died of a massive heart attack on Tuesday. He was one of our friends when we lived in Malaysia. 


Well-Educated Mind


I took a little break from depressing, tragic 20th Century novels to read some other stuff, but I am back and am listening to Hemingway's For Whom the Bells Toll. I told George that I love his writing, and I know that he does too, but he said, "Just wait. It will get depressing too." 


Oh joy. LOL!


(OK, this is attempt #3 at writing this freewrite because I decided to go to Pilates. LOVED it. I am freeeeeee of pain! Felt awesome).


I listened to Hemingway as I rode to Pilates and did dinner prep. I like it so far. Could anything be more weird than Steppenwolf? We will see.


I am also reading Bruchko for Kingdom Community. SO, that should be fun for a change. NEVER read it before, and I can't believe it!


Now that I am no longer tied to the Book Babes reading, (I needed to free myself from the obligation by dropping out.) I hope to read more of books I really like. I haven't been really wild about most of the reading except Unbroken that I loved. The rest have been so-so. I love the William Wilberforce but no one else in the group did. So, I realize I have REALLY different tastes from the rest of the women and am more polite about reading and commenting on those books than they were polite about my book: SLAUGHTERED IT! OUCH! Not a lot of tact by a few of the people, but I can see why. They aren't my closer friends in the group. Those friends were tactful even though they didn't like it. :)


Well-Adjusted Heart


I'm so good now. I made a decision to leave the Book Babes which was heavy on my heart. It just wasn't a healthy or good fit for me anymore, and Kim said, "If you are struggling five days after the meeting is over, then maybe it is time to move on."  I thought that was a good thought. I don't have the mental energy to struggle with negativity that is elective. We have enough negativity that is not elective. Book club should be fun not frustrating!  So, I am out of there!


My heart is sad over the death of Glenn, but I had such an awesome talk with Julie H. via Skype because of it. It was really good. She is interested in learning more about Listening Prayer, and I think it would be so helpful where she is.


Emotionally I am doing really well. I still can't figure out what was wrong on Spring Break. So strange for me to be so unevenly keeled! 


Well-Tuned Strength


I was in pain from lifting something for Heba on Tuesday. I had to go to the Chiropractor, and it made me realize that I really can't do a trip like Washington, D.C. without George to do my heavy lifting. Mexico was a stretch, and I paid for it afterward. So, I needed to tell Heba that it wasn't going to work. I feel horrible, but we are also going to go to the East Coast as a family now. So, I think that will be better. 


I have been going to Pilates more consistently, and walks have been my cardio of choice over running or biking. That should change with better weather. I don't want to run until my core is EXTRA strong, and it is about medium now. So, I am trying to make at least two Pilates classes a week and three would be even better.


Still working on my eating. I am just four pounds overweight, but I don't like it!!!!!


Well, this has probably equaled at least 15 minutes with all the stops and starts. I look forward to a very quiet day as Teala can't get together for lunch and the boys will be out of house until at least 2:30. I am looking forward to the quiet and rest. Will walk though. 

Venting Freewrite

I did it! I disengaged from something that I had considered disengaging from many months ago. I was going to slowly creep away with my tail between my legs, but verbalizing it to a friend this morning made me realize that I needed to just cut the cord. The situation is a waste of my time, unhealthy, keeps me away from what I am more passionate about, and causes me to have to feel lousy for a few days after I have left.  So, I disengaged!


YAY! I feel like it was a brave thing, but I feel nervous about the repercussions and questions that will follow. 


I also had a very rude encounter with someone today. A stereotypical "mean girl"!  I know she was a really popular mean girl in high school. When she was so rude, her friends looked at her in shock. I could tell by the looks on their faces that they didn't agree with her little tirade (very little really, and I couldn't hear most of it because she had gone out the glass doors of the gym and was obviously telling them her choice words about me). It was almost comical, and I thought, "Really, seriously?"  But I had to get back to the task at hand. So, I moved on. 


Mean girl. Bully. I asked her politely to please be quieter because I couldn't hear the person on the other end of my phone and had to wait quite some time for her to move on out of the hallway. I had my lap covered with materials, and I was needing to write down a number, but she thought I should take all my materials outside and try to write while standing up rather than her being a little quieter (yelling across the hallway to people quite a ways down the hall). I had waited for quite some time. I guess I could have moved all my materials out of the room to outside but no one would have had to move if she had lowered her loud and booming voice. I wouldn't have been able to carry on a conversation with another person physically in front of me either. She needed to use her "inside voice" as I used to tell my children.

She started attacking me for the request, and I just was sort of in shock, and so were her friends. Oh well. As someone who can get loud myself at times, if someone asks me to quiet down, I just do. Case closed. I think she is one of those people who dominates her friends (I could tell by how they followed her sheepishly out the door) and probably her loved ones. I choose to feel compassion for her rather than anger. 


Shake it off. I took a shower (per Alicia's suggestion) because I felt slimed by her negativity, and her lack of politeness in social discourse left me flummoxed. She is part of that age group that George said, "Weren't disciplined as a child."  I know that age group. We worked with them in the mid to late 80's in the college group. Tough cookies. 


I didn't get accomplished what I wanted to get accomplished on the phone anyway. I should have just come home and tried to work on it from there. As it is, I found no resolution and must suffer through the day with a pulled muscle in my back (not out, just pulled with makes me very functional but a little out of sorts). I would rest, but I cannot. I am in charge of bringing the lunch for Heba's Graduate Committee before her dissertation. I think helping her with the groceries on Tuesday is what did this to me in the first place. I had to reach for one of her bag far away from me, and that did me in. I should have know better.

So, I went to Pilates hoping to get it loosened up, and it does feel better. I did moist heat and took a muscle relaxant. Then, I got home to the kids saying that maybe they can take the car to school, but I need to car for picking up the pizzas. Paul couldn't find his wallet. He couldn't print his paper and would have to do it at school for money instead. He was on the verge of missing his bus. Dr. Hopkin's office was calling for payment for my implant next week (why didn't they just let me pay for it when I was in the office? They do things so WEIRD in that office, but this is the third thing I have had to deal with them on. What is also weird is they have you pay all this money up front only to send you a check for some of the money. What happened to waiting until all the bills and insurance pay and then paying the amount owed. That is how most offices do it. They have REALLY bad office management, but I have learned to just roll with it after Michael's implant surgery when they forgot to get the preauthorization and expected me to pay the FULL AMOUNT without a pre-authorization. I just rescheduled, but I digress . . . ).


I am also evaluating my summer. What should be do? Should I go to Washington D.C. with Heba only to turn around to go with our family eight weeks later when we go to Micah's wedding? Should we skip Micah's wedding and just go to the reception in August? Should I go with Heba and then go to California, see Samira, and then go to my class reunion instead? I am so confused, and I think I just need to wait until after today to make any kind of decision. I am not in a great space after getting slimed. 


So, I have vented. I need some focus right now because I am leaving for the big afternoon in 1 1/2 hours. YIKES!

Tuesday Morning Free Write

There is something so nice about just freewriting away. I suppose I can do it on my computer without this public blog, but I have journaling for my most private thoughts, but this is totally fine for others to see. 


I slept in a bit more (7 am) again. I sleep so much more soundly and wonderfully on this Tempur-pedic. I got up to time with George, unpacking yesterday's full schedule of meetings with people and then a study of Romans 5 with Kim and Rachel. We went in the office as the boys' schedule has changed to where they need to get in the kitchen and eat breakfast and make their lunch in order to get out the door at the same time our Bible Study ends. 


I liked the office's warmth and coziness compared to the open expanse of the living room. Perhaps it was too warm, but it was nice to have the change of pace, and the Bible study is almost over for this year. We have one more time to meet (May 15) before we break for the summer or not continue at all. They are two very busy women, and while I am busy, I set more my own schedule that isn't motivated by having to work to put food on the table like they are forced to do. So, I can be much more flexible. Not sure if the time has been really "good" for them or just one more thing that they have on their plate. 


I, personally, have enjoyed the time because I like being with people who come prepared to study the Scriptures and don't just say what is off the top of their head rather than have opinions formulated from hours of private study. I miss that in the circles that we now find ourselves. I like it much more this time around than the last time I studied Romans. One finally got the vision for doing the personal study, but the other one was not every prepared, and it was obvious. It is hard to tell a person that, even though they have grown up in a religious home, they still need that time in the Word of God. I don't know how people function without it!  Much better experience this time around for me.


The rest of the the morning and early afternoon, I will be doing dinner prep while listening to Once Upon a Secret about Mimi Alford's affair with President Kennedy. I won't comment on it here because I have already formulated a review of it since I am 60% of the way through the book, and I DO have a very strong opinion about it. Stay tuned. 


I also hope to get some time in Isaiah. After that, I will either walk or ride my bike to the library to hear Heba run through her Ph.D. dissertation. My back is feeling a bit precarious right now, but maybe walking will loosen it up. I have 2 1/2 hour to evaluate that. So, I will wait and see.

After time with Heba, I will probably come home with George (or take the bus) and finish dinner and get ready to meet with Kathleen. I was hoping to have some time with Paul too because George is at a meeting and Michael has Bible study, but I am not sure if that is going to happen tonight because of meeting with Kathleen. 


Well, I have five more minutes to write, but I really want to get to time in the Isaiah. So, I will say GOOD BYE for now. :)

52 in 52 Week 18: Missions and Money by Jonathan Bonk

"Is it any wonder that Christians from poorer parts of the world -- in response to the siren appeal of the gospel of plenty modeled by the Western [workers] -- respond to the implicit invitation by saying "Yes!" to materialism? We should not be surprised at the discovery that Western workers are now credited with being one of the greatest secularizing agencies of the past two centuries" (Bonk, p.77)

OUCH!

This book reminded me of a book I read in the early 80's called Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Ron Sider. I loved that book because it was both biblical and practical and set some of my convictions about wealth in my early 20's. Bonk even has it as a reference in the bibliography. Good for you, Bonk.

It also reminded me of Richard Foster's excellent book, The Freedom of Simplicity which is also practical and inspirational. 

I liked the book at the beginning, but I feel like he got increasingly critical and judgmental as the book progressed. It is extensive in its criticism and gives a good case for a biblical view of wealth and poverty, but it is very short on PRACTICAL solutions to what he perceives as the problem. 

His thesis is that affluence among western missionaries is the Achilles' heel of missions. He contends that western missionaries sent to Third World countries are usually very wealthy by local standards, and this inhibits the spread of the Gospel because they are not incarnating it or going the way of the cross through self-sacrifice. I think this is true in many cases. It is just hard to know where that line is drawn in some cultures; and again, it is all theoretical and well-researched, but where are the practical steps for turning this long time trend in the opposite direction? He seems to think that all missionaries are turning a blind eye to it and ignoring the call of God, but I can't help but think that they just don't know where to start. Bonk gives no help. 

It is also easy for Bonk to make all these condemnations from his comfortable western existence on the east coast having only spent two years in famine relief overseas in his adult life. Growing up overseas doesn't cut it for me. Why don't you go and try to live overseas by these principles you preach and then write a book?

The tone was judgmental rather than inspiring and challenging. Also, he used big words that could make this book inaccessible for many readers.  

My husband worked for a foreign government overseas. As a foreign worker, he was given a better financial package than his foreign coworkers, but we chose to live at the same standard of living, sometimes below. Our neighbors had two cars (we had one as we did in the US - which is unusual) with their first car being a Mercedes or BMW, and the second being the national car. Our first car was the national car (which was a piece of junk, but I digress). Our neighbors had air-conditioning in every room, we only had it in the master bedroom. Our neighbors had live-in house help from poorer neighboring countries and treated them like slaves. We had three different nannies (one at a time) that came from the US for  our first year there to help me with child care so I could get out and learn the language. We treated them like daughters.  We went to our neighbors houses, and most had two kitchens and expensive furnishings. We had one kitchen and inexpensive furniture purchases.  

I don't say this to justify myself, but to clarify that not all westerners live above the standard of living of the nationals who were quite materialistic in their outlook. Historically, the western missionaries didn't necessarily transport the materialism because missionaries were not (and still are not) allowed for the majority population, yet the majority population became materialistic all on its own. The greed of Western capitalism had invaded their world through the media, not through missions. Look at the grandiose materialism of the Gulf countries where western missionaries have never been allowed. Materialism is in the heart of every man, in my humble opinion.  To blame it all on western missionary influence is far too simplistic for my sensibilities!

Maybe this is the case in places like Africa, where most of Bonk's research originates. I have never been there. I would venture to say that, while missionaries might have had an influence, colonialism was also to blame. 

I think Bonk dismisses the many hard-working and wonderful people who have gone overseas with the pure motive of loving others in the name of Christ. Sure there are those who do it for ego and significance (I know some), but the vast majority have truly incarnated Jesus and walked the way of the cross which is more than I can say for Bonk who has lived in the US most of his adult life. 

52 in 52 Week 18: The Mama's Boy Myth by Kate Stone Lombardi

"What today's mothers are doing for their sons -- primarily teaching them emotional intelligence -- is a critically important gift. Mothers, by affording their sons the emotional closeness that they once offered only to daughters, are giving them access to a fuller experience of humanity" (p.9-10)


My husband said a similar thing to me on our Spring Break vacation with our two boys, ages 17 and 20. I had been experiencing some loss as my youngest had followed his oldest into classes at the community college, leaving me without the job of homeschooling after 14 years at the helm. 


Those years brought me daily contact with my boys, doing history, science, literature, and read-alouds on our couch until their middle school years. These academic subjects were segues into deep talks about everything under the sun. 


In their high school years, their education was more self-directed, but I still interacted with them over papers and literature they were reading for the British, American, and Homeric literature classes I ran with other homeschoolers in our co-op. They were segues into the realm of values, principles, and feelings in this rhetoric stage of their education and development. 


In addition, our rides in the car to co-op activities, plays, field-trips, and community service projects were the "car talk" times Lombardi talks about in her book. Many times there were other kids in the car with us and not technically "one on one," but I had many "sons" those years of homeschooling and was a second mom to them. 


There has been a closeness with my kids because of homeschool, and I will never regret our decision to do so. Our discussions were not just about academic subjects but springboards into deep discussions about life, and we laughed together a TON. Weekday mornings were "our" time.


Last fall, all the time together that homeschool afforded was gone, and I realized this loss on that Spring Break trip.


I won't go into all the reasons, totally unrelated to my kids, why I was emotionally fragile on that trip, but the fragility caused me to express that loss to my boys. We didn't have the time "carved out" for us like before, and I missed it. With encouragement from my husband, I ran the idea of a weekly "talk time" with each of them, and they were all for it. 


Since Spring Break, I have spent time with both of them.  On Mondays, the youngest and I walk to the local Wendy's, eat dinner (while dad has a meeting and oldest has class), and walk back. I let him set the agenda for what we talk about. The first time, he opened up to me about many deep things. I thought the time would be over when we were back home, but he stuck around, and we talked in our living room until dad and oldest got back, at which time we all talked together until late into the evening. 


My oldest is much quieter, and I find that walking is what gets him talking. So, we do the "hospital hill" two mile walk that takes us about 40 minutes, and I don't have an agenda, I just listen and let him run the topics. Since he is naturally quieter, I thought we might walk in silence if I didn't ask questions, but this hasn't been the case. 


I heard Lombardi's NPR April 8th interview on "All Things Considered" only eleven days after having this Spring Break ephiphany and a few "talk times" with my guys.  Perfect timing!


Lombardi's book confirmed what I had felt.  It is funny that she should talk about Freud's Oedipus Complex because I reported on The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud's 1899 publication that put forth this theory, in my first counseling class in graduate school. I also read Oedipus when my oldest studied classical literature. So, I really tracked with her on the ridiculousness of Freud's theories that have been debunked with modern research. 


As I read, I thought about different books I had read throughout graduate school (I have an M.Ed. in student personal work with an emphasis in counseling psychology) when I researched male/female roles during my internship with the women's center on the Oregon State University campus. No sooner did I think of the book, when she would quote from it. So, I felt like I tracked well with the book. She put careful thought into her research. Bravo for her. 


My only hesitation in recommending this book is her liberal, feminist leanings that I do not share. Her writing on sexuality is so not where I would even fathom or entertain in my relationship with my boys. While trying to be funny in her opening on this subject, I found it crude and distasteful. It was only a few paragraphs. So, I skipped it.  


Another hesitation, toward the end of the book, she had quite a bit to say and research to prove her case about the value of working moms in raising boys to the exclusion of explaining the benefits of stay-at-home moms. I have read research to the contrary. I think there is poor mothering with both stay-at-home and working moms, and I don't necessarily think one is more superior than the other, and she definitely shows her bias since she is a working mom (contributing columnist with the New York Times).  She is leaving out the growing population of mothers who are staying home with their kids with her working mom bias, almost dismissing them by ignoring them. 

Also, throughout the whole book she is trying to make a point about throwing away the stereotypes of what is truly masculine and feminine, but she gives us this, up front, caveat on p. 14:

Also, my son, a young man now, is more than six feet tall, plays ice hockey has many male friends and a steady girlfriend. Why do I feel the need to tell you this? Because in this culture, I must reassure you -- and myself -- that my deep emotional bond with my son hasn't compromised his masculinity. Look -- he and his mom have this tight connection and my son is still "a guy's guy."

She defeats one of the main points of her book before she even starts with this statement IMHO. My kids don't play sports (even though they were raised by a mom and dad who were both college athletes) or have a steady girlfriend. Where does this statement leave me if my kids aren't "guy's guys"?  Think about it Ms. Lombardi: can you see how this statement nullifies the whole point of your book? You need to get over your insecurity and learn from what your extensive research has shown you! 


But I won't throw the baby out with the bath water because it was confirmation of my gut about the time I have spent investing in my boys. 

15 Minute Freewrite

I am trying a new font for this freewrite just for fun. I don't know if it will change when it actually posts because I have seen otherwise on my Bible Book Club blog. 


I slept in! Yesterday was just three hours of sleep from 12-3, and I was wide awake. I got so much done, I almost finished a post on Isaiah 6 & 7 (such important chapters in the Word), caught up on correspondence, prayed, went to Pilates, shopped, prepped for a fresh steelhead dinner, and made cranberry cream scones with lemon curd! I also finished listening to Stuff Christians Like as I prepped for dinner. 

Yes, I got a ton done in the quietness of the morning, but it felt like 3 pm at 11 am yesterday because I had already been up for 8 hours!  I got a bit of a perk up as I needed to take Dial-a-Book books back to the library and took Paul along so he could catch the bus to LB. He didn't have to be in until 1 pm yesterday because his math teacher couldn't find a sub for Friday. That was nice for him.


I told Paul I might as well just stay at the library and do some work there until he returns back to the  transit station from LB. I was there two hours, and it was lovely (Other than the elderly man who was constantly coughing, but I prayed for grace and the ability to block him out instead of getting all huffy, and God did it. MIRACLE!). I finished most of my work for Kingdom Community next week (it is going to be really busy next week after this rest day on Saturday). We are reading a book by Jonathan Bonk called Missions and Money, and it is convicting and frustrating all in one breath. I will write more in a review posted tomorrow. I have a few more pages to read, and I have much more to think through. I am not sure I totally like this book.


After returning the DAB books and bringing Paul back home. I settled in to more Bonk and rested a bit.  We had a lovely Sabbath Dinner together last night with candles and grape juice (Blessed art Thou oh Lord our God King of the universe who brings us fruit from the vine.). It was great to just be a family, and I think we are going to try for more Sabbath Dinners this terms. We talked about our upcoming vacation and are making a decision about heading east instead of down south as we had thought this summer. I have a 35th class reunion in August, but Taylor is getting married in Corvallis the same day, and Micah is getting married in Pittsburgh in July. My ancestors on my dad's side are all from Pennsylvania, and I already have a second cousin that would love to take us on a tour of the ancestor sites. We could also combine it with a Pilly and Washington, D.C. trip that we have saved miles for for YEARS. I wanted to do it during US History in high school, but George was in so much job transition, he did not have any vacation time. Now, he has four weeks, and the boys are both studying US History in college, and they are really up for it. They said they want to go to Cali, but we could go for Spring Break next year instead. That would definitely be much cooler for us. 


Well, the timer is going to go off. I still have much more to say, but I can go on. There is no law that says that I have to stop at 15. Maybe that is a good sign that I can write for more time than that. 


I also talked to Julie yesterday, and she told me about the stupid convention fiasco with her. When will followers of Jesus learn that you must be genuine and peace-loving rather than blindside people all the time. So silly. I wanted to call those organizers and give them a piece of my mind, but I know that wouldn't be appropriate. 


Last night, I watched news and read Bonk, but I could keep my eyes open and fell asleep at 10:00 (early for me) and slept until 9 am this morning (I woke up from 5:45 am on and forced myself to go back to sleep). I am looking forward to a quiet family day at home. YAY!


Want to write out and review in my head everything going on next week:


Sunday - church and MacDonald funeral in Newberg, dinner with mom
Monday - Pilates, New Morning with Stacy, lunch with LeAnne and Jean, shopping with Heba with return to her apartment for listening to her dissertation defense presentation.
Tuesday - Romans study with Kim and Rachel, discipleship time with Kathleen
Wednesday - Heba's dissertation defense - all day, help with set up, be there, wait for her afterward, Kingdom Community at night to discuss Bonk book
Thursday - Morning theophostic session
Friday - free again!
Saturday - Book Dames to discuss Their Eyes Were Watching God


Better go now. I plan on resting and reading today!

52 in 52 Week 18: Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff

I have to admit that this is a seemingly frivolous book to read after The Diary of Anne Frank last week.


This is a poke of fun at American cultural Christianity and more specifically, evangelical churchianity. It is irreverent at times, but I walked and worked around the house and laughed out loud.  It is all satire (except the last section where he put his "serious Wednesday" essays), and pokes fun at a Christianity that I left long ago (not the faith but the culture), but it was OK for a lighthearted comedy for this very serious woman (well, most people that meet me don't know I am so serious because I do like to laugh a lot, but if they just know me from my writing, they think I am pretty serious which I really am more serious than silly, but I digress. . . ).


It is supposed to be a take off on the book What White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions (even down to the number of pages of the book).  The authors says that this is the book that inspired him.


Many of his essays resonated, especially the ones about the mega church versus the small church, and I plan on playing those two essays for our kingdom community. Others were frivolous and boarding on pretty stupid where I wondered why I was wasting my time listening, but they were funny, and I was entertained, and that is not so bad.


I was not raised a pastor's kid like the author, nor was I raised in the church (especially a Southern Baptist one, but my dear husband WAS). In this way, I can't relate with someone who was raised in the center of cultural evangelicalism. He has a lot to say, sad as it is, about the state of mediocrity of the American church. I think it would really hit home if you were always raised in it or had bought into the superficiality that he pokes fun at.


I have always been an outsider looking in. So, his essay on "making out with girls your first time at youth camp" was humorous but all too painfully true. Yes, it even happened back in 1973 when I, as an outsider from a "non-churched" home, was invited on a camping trip to Joshua Tree National Park. The weekend was so significant (I almost died the next day), but the night before almost perishing, I got stuck in a cave with a "church regular" who thought he could make out with me!  Even as a 13 year old, I could see the superficiality of such a move and ran for my life (He quickly found solace in the arms of another girl who is now gay). I returned to the camp to find myself the only youth among all the adult leaders because all the kids must have been out in caves making out (or at least I perceived it that way and gathered that many had partaken from the chatter in the bus on the way home). It was a lonely evening and weekend for me, and my disillusionment with cultural Christianity began. I was on a desperate quest to know God and find real meaning in life, and the "church kids" were too busy hooking up and passing notes while I hungrily listened during church. 


Thirteen years later, I found it was almost expected for youth to behave this way. Due to one of the camp counselors being bitten by a bat and having to be flown out for rabies shots, I was given one hours notice to spend a week with a group of girls from Kentridge High School in Kent, Washinton at the Young Life Malibu Club in Canada in the summer of 1986.  


I shouldn't have been surprised I was asked to be a camp counselor because just an hour before, I prayed that God would give me the opportunity to see what goes on during the whole camp. (I was three miles away in a mountaineering camp, but I would see portions of the program when I cam into Malibu to pack the food for the mountain trips.)


The week was very fun, but one things really BUGGED me: camp romances were expected, bordering on encouraged by the following song sung to the kids by the adults who ran the camp: 

On the boat to Malibu

I was making eyes at you

Honey, won't you love me for a week.

NO JOKE! And it happens, by the end of the week, many of the teens had paired off and were making out in the bushes!

Thankfully, I had a group of modest girls who were hungry to know God like I was at their age, and only one out of ten girls became entangled in a "Malibu Affair," and the other nine encountered Christ in a real and significant way. 


There were many other things that hit me and liked about the book, but you have to remember that it is SATIRE. He is not being serious. 


I think I wouldn't mind meeting Jonathan Acuff, grandson of Roy Acuff, one of the greats of the early Grand Ole Oprey:

Roy Acuff ( far right) points to a board
announcing the expansion of the Opry’s
Prince Albert Show network broadcast on NBC.

I also wouldn't mind meeting Jon because he is pretty humble and self-effacing, and I loved his interaction with the Somali refugee woman who cut his hair (that made me get off the fence about the book. I liked what he had to say from there on out). His humility comes out with his story about wanting fame and the "meet and greet" with is adoring following. (Have to read it to find out why it was necessary for him to write a quiz for the event).


I also want to meet him to tell him that I actually got through the acknowledgments and the funny song at the end that he thought no one would listen to (what can I say, I think he is funny, plus my hands were covered in cranberry creme scone dough so I couldn't turn off the iPod when he got to the end). I also want to introduce him to some very radical believers I know in Atlanta. :)




I got Acuff's book as a free audiobook download, but I cannot remember how or where or even why. It has been sitting on my iPod for about two years waiting to be listened to, and I was between classics.  It was a nice change, and  I am sure people wondered what that tall woman was listening to as she walked and guffawed loudly. 


It is very humorous, but I believe after watching the profile below that there is a method to Acuff's madness. I know now that Jon is using satire to try to change the superficiality of the American church. You might really like his short bio:





After watching this and seeing the other videos by him, it just dawned on me that I had watched Jon when he did the Christmas Charity giving thing on the Dave Ramsey website! I KNEW his voice sounded familiar, and I couldn't place it. That made me laugh too. I thought, "Who is this goofball?"  Little did I know he was waiting to be listened to on my iPod.


You are funny, Jon so . . . 


Go, Jon, Go. I get you. I really do. 

Focusing Freewrite

I have had a great morning so far, but I am definitely out of my normal routine of getting up, journaling, meditating in the Bible Book Club reading (I am 6 weeks ahead of the blog), writing, applying, praying. Then, I go on to my exercise (Pilates MWF, walking/running TTH) and whatever is up for the day (discipleship, counseling, more writing).


No routine to speak of today. I normally get up between 5:30 - 6:00, and I woke up at 5:45 am and rolled back over and slept until 7 am. That always involves me running into George before I get some good time in the Word and prayer. So, we chatted quite a bit this morning as he fixed his lunch and coffee. Not complaining. I do not have a husband who grunts and gives one word replies. Our morning talks can be awesome and hard to stop once we start, but he does have to work. :) So, parting is such sweet sorrow, but he left me.


Just as he left, I hear the door open and one man goes in the shower, and the other boy (at least for another seven months) comes out for breakfast. I am determined to not be writing or preoccupied when they are here because I don't see them as much now that they are both in college. So, we talk.  The other man comes out, and we talk.


Then, the Skype (the I had been turned off but came on with my computer reboot - PDF still not printing. Usually a reboot makes it spit out whatever is in its jowls, but to no avail, but I digress . . . ) came on with one of my listening prayer international Skype appointments. OH . . . It was 9:30 pm YOUR time, not MY time. OH NO! Not prepared. My morning is an hour behind due to rolling over in bed and sleeping that hour away.  The kids are eating breakfast, making lunch, and preparing to launch. The time is precious, and I have two hats: mom of almost adults and listening prayer counselor. I opted for postponement to my time. All was right with the world (literally, since we are on two continents).


The kids scampered downstairs for final school prep, and I saw I had about 1/2 hour, and the SUN WAS SHINING. There is an 80% chance of rain today. So, there was blue sky surrounded by blackness everywhere. The window of opportunity was short. So, I went for a walk. I listened to the "Bible" section of Stuff Christians Like (still debating about whether I really like this satire, but he said ONE thing that totally redeemed himself on this leg of the book), but I turned it off after that section to really "get down" in prayer as I walked. There was so much on my heart, and there is something about walking that just helps me to pour out and listen to Him!  AWESOME TIME!


Then, I went by the commotion of roofing and realized that it was the Stauber's house. They had found some leakage during my last stroll down their lane, but I didn't know it would involve a total re-roofing project! Wow. They are in Utah, but Mr. Callis was there to fill me in (never met him before, and he is nice). 


So, I got way-laid in my attempt to get home to say good-bye to he kids before they went to class, but they were turning the corner off of our street as I was crossing. So, I waved and prayed them away just as I began to feel slight raindrops on my cheek.

The sky has turned dark, and I am writing now so that I can FOCUS. While cooking my breakfast, I got a call from Vickie about doing pictures for the screen at the women's retreat (that I decided not to go to), and it would have to be done before tomorrow. So, I politely declined, but I had a nice chat about all things listening prayer (listening is what the retreat is all about this weekend).  I have two counseling appointments today, and I am not afraid to say I am already behind with my day and want to have a family dinner today since Thursday seems to be our only day now since Michael has class and bible study on Monday and Tuesday, and we have Kingdom Community on Wednesday. So, Geo and I must switch our date night to another night. Stay tuned. 


I made eggs, strawberries, and a bagel, and I sprinkled it all with Sensa. I am so curious about it and ordered a free sample to try it out. I don't think it is a hoax. I don't think it is bad for you either. It is just a trick of the taste buds to make you feel full. I always have this 5-10 pounds (more like 5 right now), and I NEVER feel full. So, I am curious to see if it works. I just had breakfast, and I definitely feel VERY FULL, and I never feel that way after a meal. I could always eat way more than I do, but it is that extra 125-250 calories a day that make me struggle with the off and on of 5-10 pounds. So, I want to learn to control that by portion control. We will see how it works. Call it a science experiment. 


The bell range a while ago, but I still had more to say. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. 


Off to the call of Isaiah and the prophecy of Immanuel!

Thoughts

Arrogance and divisiveness really bothers me. I am just praying that it goes away. 

Mid Day Freewrite

I had a busy morning in Isaiah. Then, Elizabeth told me Micah was online. So, I talked to both of them for about an hour!  It was fun to congratulate him and process with her too.  I love my life.

Then, I took the boys to class (math and bowling), and I went to wait for my dental implant prep appointment. Dropping them off meant I was an hour early. But I used the wireless and communicated back and forth with Tim about some business stuff. I love my life (even the dental implant part).

I am being implanted on May 8. Woohoo.

Then, I realized I had two hours before I go and get the boys. I was going to go running or walking, but it ended up raining, and I didn't bring my rain gear. So, I am treating myself to a lunch at Red Robin!  Yummy Chicken Wrap and Chicken Tortilla Soup as I type here and listen to Stuff Christians Like. I am still debating about whether I like. I am laughing a lot, but it isn't where I live.  

Well, the time has flown by on this fifteen minute freewrite because this small computer is harder for me to type on than my big one. I will go to work a bit since I have an hour to kill before I pick up the kids, and this is much more comfortable than Takena Hall at Linn-Benton Community College. 

Should I have desert or not?  Hmmm???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Monday Morning State of the Well

It has been a while since I have done a status update of "The Well."  Monday morning is a good time.


It is "red sky" at morn. I have a feeling our two days of sunshine has gone away, and we will have some storms. The east coast is going to get blanketed today. I should look at some pics.


Well-Watered Soul


I am doing really well in my soul. George and I did some listening prayer yesterday because something really agitated me in my spirit from Saturday. After 2 hours of talking, he suggested prayer, and God quickly showed me the lie I was believing and gave me truth. He brought me to a memory of when I was doing a team report in junior high with two girls who were best friends. I did something that made them be really mean to me. I was clueless about what I had done. I remember feeling so terrible about that. Anyway, God revealed truth to me about it being just the issues of junior high girls, and I was accepted by Him. That was what was most important. 


I had a struggle in Hosea all week, but that we probably more because I was so tired last week from lots of sitting and talking with people about exciting things. It took me all week to recover, mainly because I had quite a bit of things to do and people to meet with. I declared Friday a "Restoration Day," and God led me on a prayer walk that cleared the air and also allowed me to have a divine appointment with NS in my neighborhood!


All that to say that on Friday, I was able to breakthrough in my reading/meditating/writing about Hosea, and I loved it. 


Now, I am in Isaiah, and I do believe he is one of my favorite of all the prophets. He is such a great balance between God's justice and mercy. I will soak deeply again this morning.


Well-Educated Mind 


My "100 Great Books" list includes Hemingway and Faulkner, and I just wasn't ready to start one of those on a beautiful Sunday, too depressing!  So, I am listening to The Ascent of George Washington by John Ferling because I got it on Free Book Friday with www.learnoutloud.com. It is the type of book I usually read about 4th of July, but I am in the mood for an uplifting book! 


Well-Adjusted Heart


I am well. Last week was exhausting, and I had a big weekend. Visiting Lorraine and Ginny was so lovely, and it helped me in my "balance." I met with a group in Monmouth after that, and it ended up being two hours with the group and three hours with one of the girls. She was so sweet and young, and my shepherd's heart had some concerns, and that was part of my prayer with George from above.


I also did Theophostic with a girl on Sunday. It was more counseling and a bit of Theo. Again, my shepherd's heart wants to get her ready for the challenges she has facing her in the near future. She was not doing well, and I told her so. It was a really GOOD time, and we have a game plan until she leaves in six weeks. I love her so much. 


I made (and George encouraged) a decision to skip corporate prayer with the gang on Sunday so I could get out and hike in the sunshine. Since my Saturday was inside from 8:45am - 8:00 pm, I needed to get out and sweat. It was a good call for my heart. I need that balance for me!  


I am not exhausted now, and I hope to be more balanced all week long!


Well-Tuned Strength


I had a muscle pull in my back from Tuesday morning until Saturday morning. It even bothered me after a Thursday morning adjustment because I sat in a chair for TOO long in a Theophostic session. For my Sunday session, I sat in my office chair, and this was much better!


I have been overeating again. I had lost about 3 lbs at the beginning of April only to gain it back. I am only 4 lbs over, but I hate that. So, I am working on portion control. I am convinced that something in my fullness meter goes horribly wrong after menopause because I never feel full!  I recognize that and don't go overboard because 4 lbs is pretty good!  BUT, I like to be at the right weight, and it is better for my back to be this way.


I am determined to get to Pilates all week this week. It is SO GOOD for me! Also, still am considering having Andrea from Therapeutic Associates giving me an overall weight program that really WORKS for my back issues. Shandra's didn't work (even though I love her to death!).


Well, now I am going. 

52 in 52 Week 17: The Diary of Anne Frank

What an absolutely beautiful book. This was an amazingly bright and perceptive young girl. I cannot believe that I have waited so long in life to read/listen to this book. I think it should be on everyone's "must read" list!

I began reading it and didn't realize that it was Holocaust Remembrance Week. I mourn the loss of this bright light. 

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.” ― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl 

“I don't want to have lived in vain like most people. I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I've never met. I want to go on living even after my death!” ― Anne Frank 

“I want to go on living even after my death! And therefore I am grateful to G-d for this gift, this possibility of developing myself and of writing, of expressing all that is in me. I can shake off everything if I write; my sorrows disappear; my courage is reborn. But, and that is the great question, will I ever be able to write anything great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer?” ― Anne Frank, diary of Anne Frank

“People who have a religion should be glad, for not everyone has the gift of believing in heavenly things. You don't necessarily even have to be afraid of punishment after death; purgatory, hell, and heaven are things that a lot of people can't accept, but still a religion, it doesn't matter which, keeps a person on the right path. It isn't the fear of God but the upholding of one's own honor and conscience. How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the while day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then, without realizing it you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that: "A quiet conscience mades one strong!” ― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl 

“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.” ― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl 

Update May 22, 2014: It was our immense privilege to go through the rooms of the house on a one day visit to Amsterdam. Sobering and real. Tears.

52 in 52 Week 17: The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

 While reading this book, I thought, "I feel like I am reading William Faulkner."  When I was done with reading this, I read somewhere (now I can't remember where) about how she loved Faulkner and Woolf (She wrote her master's thesis on them). 


I read As I Lay Dying and The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner when Oprah had a challenge of reading three Faulkner books over the summer. I spent my anniversary reading him at a beautiful hotel on the beach. What a way to ruin a perfect anniversary! Notice I only read two. I refused to read the third (even though I am addicted to closure and finishing what I start) because I disliked the first two so much. The only Woolf I have read is Mrs. Dalloway. I didn't dislike her as much as Faulkner, but she is not my favorite author. 


I didn't like the style of this book. It also had some graphically sexual parts that made me want to throw up. ICK! It was also very confusing and jumped all over the place. It seemed like a horrible attempt at a first novel. Her later ones were more critically acclaimed and awarded. I read Song of Solomon many years ago, and I liked it much better. 

Here is one quote:

 Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly, but the love of a free man is never safe. There is no gift for the beloved. The lover alone possesses his gift of love. The loved one is shorn, neutralized, frozen in the glare of the lover’s inward eye.

I read a review by Whisper1 at www.librarything.com that contain my sentiment exactly:

O, Toni Morrison, you mystify me. You are a Nobel Prize winner in literature, a recipient of the National Book Critics Circle Award and have received countless accolades. 

The number of books I've read in 55 years could stretch into many miles. I consider myself astute, intelligent and savvy in working with words, yet, whenever I read one of your books I feel perplexed and stunned. 

When reading The Bluest Eyes I was enthralled by the pure beauty of your words and then, wham, felt cold water thrown on the pages as once again I grew weary of the violence, of the savage depiction of black culture, and my struggle to understand why your vivid images lack poignancy. 

You make your point about the struggles, the hatred, the every day beating down and the difficulty of surviving, then you literally hammer it home until I feel bruised beyond healing. 

No doubt you are a well deserving winner. But, also, no doubt I won't read another of your books. Dec 10, 2011 |

Freewrite Fifteen Friday

Well-Watered Soul Well-Educated Mind Well-Adjusted Heart Well-Tuned Strength


It is already 11:15, and I am just getting to some time with God (other than a little prayer time at the edge of the amphitheatre at Calvary Chapel this morning. That was lovely. 


I slept in this morning. I don't know why, but it has really taken me a long time to catch up from last week's seminar and Sunday's activities. I had so much people time. Then, I had lots of people time this week too after only one day of rest. Jean instant messaged with me and told me to REST, but I already had some appointments, and there is always so much follow up after seminars like this. 


So, I need to store up some "I" time today. I want to just journal, pray, spend deeper time in Hosea, and finish my books. I am trying not to spend time with people today, but I am already off to a bad start! LOL! Visited a bit with Cindy at Calvary, and she told me about some people who are interested in what we are doing, and I really want to meet them. It is hard to be an introvert and like people so much. 


I also went to Pilates today, and it really helped this pulled muscle in my back. It isn't out, but it is not right. I went to Dr. Koen, but then I went into a MEGA theophostic session where I sat for TOO long. I should have just stood up once we were just chatting after the session. It was a good session, by the way, and it seems like, after a month of inactivity, I am fully booked and overflowing again (like the fall).  It has been so good, and I am finding that God is fulfilling by identity as "boldly beloved." I have become more assertive in my times by having a person stay in a memory instead of jumping around so much. Some times people jump to avoid the pain. I sensed that yesterday, and I gently said, "Let's just stay here for a while." It turned out that the memory they wanted to jump to was tied to that and once she had release in the memory we stayed in, she found freedom in the other one. So, I am glad I was a bit more assertive. That was what I found difficult with two of the people I had been working with before. When they are a strong personality, they have tended to run it (instead of God). So, it is OK for me to facilitate by saying, "No, let's stay here for a bit."  I was too paranoid of interfering with the process, and I realized that this is precisely why I am there!  


Another thing I have discovered is that if the person cannot let go of bitterness and resentment, it really inhibits the process. Sometimes, the person needs to cognitively process their lack of forgiveness and come back to me after that. I had one person who did that in February and came back in April, and the process was fabulous. In February, it wasn't. Yesterday, I gently asked if the person was willing to forgive. They said it was hard. So, I put our session on pause to do some teaching on forgiveness. They were willing to let go of their resentment, and we could move on toward God's truth coming in loud and clear.  I would like to develop something that could prep them for this before they come to the session. The closest I have gotten is the Steps to Freedom in Christ, but I am not super wild about that either. So, I need to write with a Holy Spirit pen in God's timing.

Our Kingdom Community is shutting down in six weeks, and it will morph into something different, but I have loved this group of people so much. I love hearing everyone's story and praying for them. Something that keeps on coming up over and over had us wanting to check out what is happening with our kids, and George had a really open talk with one of them last night. He is such a good dad. :)


Well, the timer went off long ago. I am looking forward to getting back to Hosea after some false starts for the last few days. Things have been good, but I really want to soak today. 


Pressing the button with no proofreading. :)

Myers-Briggs Cross Between

Even in my twenties, I only slightly preferred extroversion. I know that research shows that this scale is the one that tends to shift in middle-age, and I find myself in the preserver (even though people who know nothing about Myers-Briggs try to put me in the extrovert category). I still am a cross between the two in many ways. I have put the things that are really me in red.


PRESERVER - ISFJ


Quiet, friendly, responsible and conscientious. Work devoutly to meet their obligations and serve their friends and fellow workers. Thorough, painstaking, accurate. May need time to master technical subjects (just have no interest to but can do it quickly if I have to). Patient with details and routine (not a routine gal but get everything done). Loyal, considerate, concerned with how other people feel. Dedicated and service-oriented. Dependable and orderly. Relate well to individual needs. Traditional and procedural. 

SOCIALIZER - ESFJ


Warm-hearted, talkative, popular, conscientious, born cooperators, active committee members (dislike committees), need harmony and may be good at creating it. Always doing something nice for someone. Work best with encouragement and praise. Little interest in abstract thinking or technical subjects. Main interest is in things that directly and visibly affect people's lives. Sociable and outgoing (I am not afraid to initiate but dislike social stuff). Responsible, attentive and traditional. Loyal and hardworking. Dislike obstructions (true when I was younger but accept them as inevitable now). 


I am definitely a cross. Now back to work. :)


"Main interest is in the things that directly and visibly affect people's lives."  That is THE thing that is most like me of all of this. You could write that on my tombstone, but yet I am selective about who I affect. I don't want to affect the multitudes like Donna W., who is a true ESFJ. I prefer quiet, one-on-one influence and, at most, a small group, except when I write the Bible Book Club which is perfect way for me to affect many people's lives without having to deal with lots and lots of people. 


My parents trained me to be sociable and outgoing. I am outgoing to the degree that I LOVE learning about people and who they are, where they have come from, and where they are going.  Therefore, I have learned to be talkative, but I do a lot of listening if people need that, especially in my counseling. I really am a cross between the two, and I am SO WIPED out after all the people contact last weekend where George went to work and is back to normal. I am still struggling to get my equilibrium back. I want to go to my "girl cave" and commune and hear the "sweet whisper" of Jesus for a few days, but I have some people-oriented things to do this week like meeting with Terri, kingdom community, theophostic appointment, and going to see Lorraine and Ginny. I might also meet with the Monmouth gals about starting a HUB community there. So, Sunday will be my day to rest. :)