I am still determining where I got this quote, but I like it. Unobstruct my heart, God!
We drove 10 hours and 24 minutes from Mt. Hermon in the Santa Cruz mountains yesterday to our lovely home in Corvallis, Oregon. We were going to stop in Dunsmuir at our favorite Railroad Park Resort (been stopping there since 1997), but why not just blitz it HOME? (I just interrupted my freewrite because I heard a "Welcome Back" from my sweet youngest child. So I had to get up and give him a hug!)
My heart is full. I am thinking about the memories of our first experience at Mt. Hermon. I think the grounds there are amazing, and Renee gave the couples the BEST accommodations called "Lakeside"! Wow. Mt. Hermon is NOT cheap to stay at, but I loved that our room had two twins, a double bed, and a two-sink bathroom. It was also air-conditioned, and that was great because that area had an unusual heat wave come in. It was 97 degrees on the main day of the retreat!
I also thought the food was excellent and the staff was lovely. The meeting rooms were lovely.
It was a "Statio" retreat of the Order of the Mustard Seed. I met some fabulous people, and I think I am glad I went.
The reason why I say, "I think" is because it got off to a rough start emotionally for me, and I even told George that I wanted to leave early the next morning after all the things I was leading were done. I just didn't feel safe. But I told a woman I didn't even know that I didn't feel safe, and she prayed for me. As she prayed, some things were not what I meant by not feeling safe, and I was able to clarify, and she was really encouraging.
It is all about connection for me, and I know that my "compulsion to connect" is part of my primary instinct running wild!
I was also nervous about leading the things that I was leading because I wanted the participants to just get my handouts and choose to do a "Walk with God in Nature" and "Summer Examen" during their free time. But things were more structured than that. So it was Art at 1:30 (Barb led this), the above at 2:45, and Meditation and Movement that I led at 3:30. So that wasn't what I expected. I don't know how I missed the part where I would be able to discuss with the team how the retreat would be structured, but I think the Type 3 and Type 8 (both "Move-against" leader types on the Enneagram) people did that, and there was no team discussion.
Also, I was told NOT to make copies of my handouts (which I wrote in June because I didn't know how they wanted me to participate in this retreat, but I wanted to be ready with some options - plus, I have loved having them for my directees, and one of the handouts was used for the 2HC blog - two birds with one stone thing).
The leader told me that they would have it available digitally for everyone, but then there was no digital option so I woke up that morning stressed and wondering if I was supposed to do that, and how would I create that other than as each person came in, sending it to them via text (and not having their numbers) or AirDropping it for them if they had an iPhone. (I'm sure I could have created a QR code, but I don't know how to do that, but I will learn.)
So I went into the morning meeting (after a fabulous opening prayer led by the person I adored meeting and one of the reasons God had me at the retreat - Casey, you are the bomb. I adore you.) feeling so unstable and emotional! I want to please and connect with the leadership, be included on the team (but I am not part of the 24-7 Prayer group - felt on the outs there), etc. I'm glad I could be open and honest with this young woman I don't know.
I'm glad she prayed. Right after that, within a half hour, one of the leaders said, "Oh Carol, I made all the copies for you." Also, she connected with me! (Water to this thirsty soul.) That is what I wanted, and I had prayed that she would reach out. You see. I went through many planning meetings since March with people I didn't know (except one who invited me to come in the first place, he is so welcoming and loving and was my sponsor for the OMS) who have very strong personalities. It isn't that I don't have a strong personality, but I am not a Type 3 or Type 8. I am a Type 2. And sometimes, in my unhealthiness mentioned above, I want to connect before I have business/retreat logistics to talk about or a task to perform.
So, she reached out to me. Then I had the handouts. George leaned over to me and said, "Does this change your perspective a bit?"
Also, I initiated with one of the leaders asking if I could sit with her during lunch. It was lovely. I was "Boldly Beloved" (because the speaker had talked about our identity names - and Katherine, George, and I are all over that one because living into our true identity is what our community is about). I moved toward a person. YAY!
Then I led my things, and the sweetest people participated with me. I loved the small group of three people who came for meditation and movements where the main breath prayer was "He sees me. He knows me. He loves me. I am safe." I repeated it over and over again for me as well. Thank you K, A, and JM for coming to this little class in the dark! I even blessed them with "Blessing Balm"!
Then, during the last thing I led, Centering Prayer, I got a crazy idea to use actual rocks for my "Drop the Stones" exercise I do metaphorically with my directees and groups. Eight people came, and my comfort blankets of George, Meredith, and Katherine came (who know me well because we have been in community for a long time). And new people I grew to cherish over the two days. We dropped REAL stones, and the sound was really impactful. At least it was for George and me as we talked about it afterward (in fact, God put something to replace the stones in George's hand once he put his empty palms up - wow).
So, then I went to the evening meeting, and my heart was so glad and palms up to God. I sat behind one of the other leaders, and she turned around and said, "You are extraordinary. Can we have lunch together tomorrow?" Say what? Me - extraordinary? Wow! But the thing was not so much that she complimented me, but she connected with me. I had let go of the compulsion (dropped that stone, baby), and lifted my open hands up to God, and he gave me what I now desired with a new heart.
So, I went to the poetry reading (with cheese and communion elements), and God nudged me to be a "Green Gecko" (Thanks Maddy, for the prophetic word over me.) and read my poem about my dad that I wrote in January 2023. I felt stupid for sharing it afterward (still working on that aspect of my shame), but the other leader (the last one - and in many ways, the hardest one to crack) reached over to me after I shared and clasped my arm and said something really encouraging (I cannot remember what she said).
So there you go. I was compelled to read a poem about my earthly father's love for me and how it helps me see my Heavenly Father in the same way.
So, I laughed the next morning during my time with Him, and thought, "What a difference 24 hours makes!"
George was pretty sure I would change my mind, but he didn't say that at the time. He is SO GOOD to me.
I was glad I came, but I also think that I am going to need to make a pivot for a season to write my spiritual direction training curriculum and invest really deeply in the groups doing the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius and finish well with the 2HC for my last year with them. So, I will be inactive for a season because I must "postpone my dream no longer and do at last what I came here for and waste my heart on fear no more" (I should have read that John O'Donohue poem in the "Poetry Slam").
I also just LOVED that Katherine came at the last minute and that we invited her friend! I think they were both blessed. Having Katherine in my "band" with Casey was also a blessing! What a good group. It was good to be with Meredith too. I told this woman who prayed for me that I was glad my "people" were also there. That made me stick it out. I'm glad I did.
The time with Katherine and John in Monterey Bay was also super special! Worth the long drive. Memories of Scottish Bagpipes at sunset on a golf green while sipping a hot cocktail and being at the Fishwife enjoying Pasta Portofino and Key Lime Pie after 34 years was a memory I will have etched in my memory forever. So special. Also, just to be with people you adore and feel so comfortable with was such a blessing! Oh, Katherine's whale story was so special. (And John makes the best Jameson's Hot Toddy and Katherine the best sourdough bread! Yum and yummy friends.)
So, this is way more than 30 minutes, but I got it all out there for anyone who sees my blog! LOL! (I write like no one will read, but I see that a few do.)
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