Sunday Sixteen Freewrite

I know this about me. When I start something, I love to follow it through to the end. I immerse myself in it and usually enjoy everything I do once I get started. 

As you know, my last post said I was putting the Spiritual Exercises on my YouTube channel. So I TOTALLY IMMERSED myself in the life of Jesus and the Spiritual Exercises and put 29 out of the 32 weeks up there in eight weeks. 

And I loved every minute of it (except for maybe when George turned off all the power while I was uploading my last TWO videos - He blocked my goal of closure, but I got over it quickly). It was so much fun. I did Imaginative Contemplation "on the fly" while the camera was rolling. 

I wanted to complete the three weeks of Christmas at Christmas though, with all my Christmas decor and Advent wreath burning in the background. So, I am waiting until after Thanksgiving to meditate on his birth. 

I decided to add the "Choices in the Way of Life" later and am still working on that. Ignatius recommended this when we have a decision to make. I meditated in Matthew 6 today, and the picture above is from that. I do have some decisions to make soon:

1) Spiritual Direction with Children class. I interviewed with Lacy and was accepted, but I have to add two children to my already full spiritual direction clientele, and they want me to meet with them every week or every other week and write up Contemplative Reflection forms for each of them. I am just not sure if I have the capacity. Maybe if I pull back next year, I can enter into that. 

2) Deepen - I LOVED my Deepen III (new spiritual director supervision) small group. They were four of the loveliest women. Really and truly. I adore them, and they are all spiritual directors I would recommend others go to, for sure. I think the door is open for me to be involved with Deepen in the future. I have decided to take a break though. It was a lot more time than I thought. I put in about 150 hours over ten months (because I had meetings for the leaders, did a talk on Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction, spent outside time doing written supervision for the women we did not do in the 2 hours allotted time with the group, and attended seminars that other leaders gave.) It was much more time than I thought it would be. I think I am going to realize how much more time I have now that my meetings are over (except I have four more written supervisions which take about 1/2 hour each to complete). I will miss my small group. I don't think I fit with the leaders though. Most are trained as directors from seminaries, and it is such a different mentality than how I was trained. So, I will leave for now and evaluate in the future.

3. Deepen graduates - Well, I have been asked by several of the people in this program to do group supervision with them. There is one group of four for sure and more who want to join, but they are thinking of maybe a second group. I am still praying about the time for a second group. I really love all the people who will join too. I know I will do one. Discerning about doing the second. I will also do one-on-one supervision with one of the people in my current group every three months or so. Love all around for these graduates. 

4. Spiritual Directees - I am asked to do direction consistently. I think I am at my limit now though. I had two people inquire about doing direction with me, and I just didn't feel the pull with them. One discerned in a different direction, and the other was leaning toward me but found someone she could do it within her time zone and locally. I think doing direction in person is always a very good choice! And I was really relieved since I didn't feel like I clicked. I have one new directee who I think is a very good fit, and I look forward to meeting with her. 

5. Direction Training - I thought I had discerned and been accepted into becoming a Sustainable Faith Trainer, but there was some miscommunication, and the "powers that be" said they were taking no new trainers as of September. I decided to train as a trainer in March with the people training me (they are the best). So, I would have made an exception. But there was no flexibility, and I see it as a gift really.

So, I asked if I could just go on my own, and she said, "Sure." I think this is a better option actually because:

• I have a few books that I would include as an alternative to the ones with Sustainable Faith
• I have already developed so much of my own stuff. So it can be part of my newly created curriculum. I love to create.
• I can offer the training at a lower price since Sustainable Faith will not be taking an administrative "cut." (Totally understand why they do that though.) 
• I can use my manual for the Spiritual Exercises and reduce the cost for my trainees. They would also have access to guided meditations on YouTube.
• I can offer a cross-cultural component.
• I can offer a trained perspective on the Enneagram and how to incorporate this into direction (they have two modules, but they don't address how it can be helpful in a session). 
• I want to incorporate things from the Cycle of Grace and Identity/Belovedness from Henri Nouwen and Jamie Winship.

So, I had fun writing a new curriculum. I submitted it to the ESDA. We will see if they approve it, but it is OK if they do not too. I feel like God has been saying to step out on my own and in faith lately anyway. So, this is in line with what he is saying. So, I am going to start training a group of 3 or 6 trainees starting in September or October. It has to be in multiples of three so we can have triads for practicing. I have two out of the first three. So praying for four more delightful people to join us!

We had some things hit us all at once (I am going over my 16 minutes since I have not journaled on this blog for a long time - freewrites can be very healthy):

• George had blood leak into his eye causing spots. He was able to stop the bleeding but the spot remaining may be there permanently. He is so sweetly peaceful, and his biggest concern is that I do not have to do all the driving. I pray for healing.
• I had two suspicious spots on my wrist and back. Since I am a melanoma survivor, I will be biopsied in early December.
• A pastor we know was let go, and we are so burdened for them. They are devastated. We know the people who let them go. So, in some ways, we feel caught, loving people on both sides. Such an awkward position. It has really affected me. 
• John and Katherine moved. We will miss them so much. It is bittersweet. Sad for us but happy for them. 
• A big whammy was getting a letter from the IRS saying we owed a TON of money and penalties. We are talking a TON. That burdened us for eight days until the accountant found their mistake (forgot to add the withholding on the right line). We had to write a check for ONE DOLLAR on Friday. Can you believe it!

So, those were all the things. Good to get it all out. 

The moral of the story and just as the picture above depicts:

God cares for us more than the birds or flowers of the field. He cares for those dear Deepen people, the Sustainable Faith person who said, "NO" to me, the pastor and his wife who are devastated, George with his eye, and me with possible melanoma again. 

 

Living with God is the good life. 

UNHURRYING REFLECTIONS

Photo by Jo Heubeck & Domi Pfenninger on Unsplash

 UNHURRYING STATION

REFLECTION QUESTIONS 

2nd Half Collaborative

Background: Every month, we are at a different "Station" in our journey:

SEP ST 2: UNHURRYING

OCT ST 3: NOTICING

NOV ST 4: IMMUNITY TO CHANGE 

JAN ST 5: AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL COMMUNITY

FEB ST 6: SEASONS OF LIFE/GRIEVING LOSSES

MAR ST 7: CONTEMPLATION, COMMUNITY, MISSION INTEGRATION

APR ST 8: COLLABORATION

MAY ST 9: DISCERNING LIFE CONTRIBUTIONS

JUN ST 10: DEVELOPING A RULE OF LIFE

Each month has a four week cycle:

1 - Learn

2 - Practice

3 - Reflect

4 - Share 

• What did you notice about yourself as you engaged an unhurrying/slowing practice last week?

LOVED IT. I laugh because I think I have really slowed down, but I did errands with George, looking for things for a welcome basket for a new refugee family that has arrived, and George laughed. I am thinking I am just going along and patient - we went to seven stores looking for a wall clock! Once we found one (at the store CLOSEST to our house - LOL), we were walking out of the store, and George started laughing. Internally, I was patient and slow, but he said, "It is always more lively when you come along. You are so QUICK to make a decision about things. He loves to take his time with everything.  From my perspective I was slow, but his clock is very different from mine, and I am thankful. 

• What insights emerged?

I love to slow down. I love to unhurry. Usually, in the 2HC, we do this unit in August. That is the slowest of all my months. So, it is easy then. Most of my directees are on vacation. September is never "SLOW"! So it was good to be slow in the midst of all that I had going on. 

I had a very full month, but I felt really good about slowing down. I think we hurry because we are fearful. I wasn't fearful or anxious about anything. I gave a two-hour talk to spiritual directors and trainers of directors, and they told me 9 a.m., but the person who took over put the time at an hour earlier! I just happened to look at the "Madrid" time and asked Siri what time it was, and I was 7 minutes late for a talk I was giving! I was still in my pajamas, but I didn't panic. I wasn't fearful. I did the whole Zoom presentation in my pajamas. I don't even think I brushed my hair beforehand. I just did it, and I wasn't afraid or hurried. I really enjoyed it. 

Preparing for that thing took over 100 hours, and I really didn't start it until after the 2HC retreat because I wanted to be fully prepared. I had a grumpy attitude about doing it at first. After I confessed, I went about it with slow joy. 

I also made sure I PAUSED in the midst of all my activities for Centering Prayer. When I committed to that, the time at work was so much easier. I took lots of walks and the kayaking with the SLOW FISHERMAN was delightful. I saw multicolored rocks in the water and BALD EAGLES on the shore! I had to stop a lot to wait for them. The stretch of river we took usually takes me 2 hours in a kayak, and it took 4!

I think I don't hurry as much because most of what I do is in line with my destiny and my cardboard sign: which I had hanging up on my wall. Along with the blessings given to me at the last 2HC retreat. One I really honed in on was from David, and he saw me as a CATALYTIC BUILDER of communities. So, everything I do is in line with that deepest desire and destiny God has given me. 

"Simplify your life over what really matters" John Mark Comer

If I am walking in my destiny, there is confidence, and lack of hurry, and indifference to people's approval. 

I am so much more indifferent to things than I ever have been. 

"Comparison just eats away at our joy." 

My family were high-achievers, but my dad never hurried. I never saw him stressed. He did everything with such joy. He had rhythms of rest. 

• What encounters with God and others did a slower pace facilitate?

I could be fully present to others. 

Group - We have had two times where we started in Silent/Centering Prayer. WOW! God has opened that door miraculously. 

Tea with Dee was so fun!!

• How was the quality of those encounters impacted?

Sitting in the Hellesto's backyard was so lovely. A joyful memory of the last month. Soul to soul time. 

Good encounters at the wedding of one of our workers. Stopping to celebrate well. 

• What practice of “unhurrying” might the Spirit be inviting you to try out this week? (It is not a 2HC “assignment” to engage another practice, just something to consider between you and the Lord.)

Continuing in Centering Prayer. Committed to it even when I cannot make it to the group. 

• In what ways has hurry influenced your life to date? How has it impacted you, your experience of life, and your connection with God and others?

I used to hurry all the time. Meditating on Romans 8 this morning reminded me of this. I read something I wrote several years ago about that time just this morning too. Scroll down to REFLECTION in the post. 

• What invitation to slowing/unhurrying do you detect? What would need to change in your life rhythms to say yes to that invitation? What threatens to prevent you from saying yes?

Saying NO to the GOOD things in order to say YES to the BEST things. 

• Recall Dallas Willard’s response to the question, “What do I need to do to become the me I want to be?” 

He said, “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. There is nothing else. Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.” 

What area of your life might not give in to unhurrying without the application of some holy ruthlessness?

Exercises for Everyone - The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola

I have finally done it! Ever since I went through my training in leading others through the Spiritual Exercises and writing a manual to go with it, I have wanted to have daily guided meditations/contemplations each day, and I have always thought I needed fancy production. I started three new people this last week. (I like to do it with 2-4 people every time. I am not into mass production here.)  The last two times I led people through them, I did not go through them myself, but I decided to do it this year, and I am recording it as I do it, :) Not fancy, just fun. But, if you know me, that is how I like things. 

So here is the whole playlist in progress: 

Exercises for Everyone

I am going to see if I can embed it here:

Enjoy!

Put a comment here, and I can send you the manual if you want it. 

Saturday Freewrite - Home and Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction

Home

It was a cool ocean breeze

Wafting through a sunny day. 

Mayberry by the Sea. 

That was what El Segundo was to me. 

Bikinis in the sand

Coppertone and cocoa butter

Melting on my skin

And the sound of the waves 

Crashing over and over 

Onto slightly slanted 

Hard sand.

The sound of the

Top 100 

Playing on a transistor

Strategically placed on a 

Big beach towel

Body surfing

Bottoms coming off with the crash

Boys circling

Girls grouped together

Giggling on a lazy summer day

The sun begins to go down

And we gather all our things

And make the hike up

To the bus stop on PCH

Looking at our brown skin

Baked to 70s standard perfection

Well, that was fun. Home. 

I am giving a talk on "Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction" on Tuesday, and this is my opening picture. To talk about our first culture. I had such a great childhood culture. Mom had her difficulties, but, for the most part, I had a good life. Living there was so lovely. This was magnified by El Segundo winning the Little League World Series and communicating with so many of my childhood friends and alumni from my high school. We had a rich heritage that continues to today. Blessed.  

So, back to the Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction talk. On the same day, I had two separate Examens with two directees starting the Exercises this week. When it came to my desolations, on both occasions, it was preparing for this talk, and I had to confess my bad attitude toward it. 

Well, Mike H. used to always tell me that with every desolation, consolation is right around the corner, and confessing that really broke things for me, and Thursday and Friday were both a joy. I woke up Thursday with the visual of the picture above and talking about my first cross-cultural experience was becoming a believer and stepping into a church! It was a foreign place to me. 

Somehow, that propelled me forward in so many ways. It also helped to be intentional about Centering Prayer on Thursday. Once was easy because I was leading a group, the other time was when I started my day out on the deck. I do believe the "Twice for Transformation" quote about Centering Prayer is so true. Actually, now that I think of it, I was able to do it three times, because we got together as a group, and I asked if we could start out with Centering Prayer. So we had a little seven-minute sit. Two people fell asleep during it, but that is OK! :) It helps that one of the participants in that group is part of my talk. :) It was so encouraging to see her growth and freedom. 

So, I finished at 3:15 yesterday. I felt so free. This talk has been percolating in my head ever since we set the date at least four months ago. I just had so much in between then and now. I really couldn't get to it until after I returned from Chicago, and with that, I had quite a few directees to meet with.

So, now I have a free Saturday. I might run through the talk a couple of times, but I also might do other things. I think I am pretty ready for it. 

God, you are good and you are home. 

All that to say, I finished and am free. I just have to give it on Tuesday morning. 

Friday Freewrite - The Road Less Traveled

So Glad the Road Led Me to St. Mary's of the Lake and 2HC Retreat

I am in a good place. The summer was so wonderful. Other than a little hiccup with a friend (that friend had no idea what their actions were doing to me internally, and I didn't see the need to bring it up because it was something I needed to work through, and I managed to work it through in an Immanuel Journaling Session with the Lord - so that desolation turned into a consolation of big proportion), I have such lovely memories of my summer: the LifeWorks Class and small group, time with our community group, my friend coming to "surrender to the lover of her soul," fulfilling time with Deepen III spiritual directors, lovely times with directees, deep deck talks with others, family time, especially in the North Cascades, fun finish of the Corvallis to Sea trail and all my photos. And the Chicago Cherry on top with the 2nd Half Collaborative and the lovely face-to-face cohort and team I worked with. I came back to rich times with all my directees. I have such a good group of soul friends to explore deeper rhythms of grace with. Oh and the OMS times of prayer this week. The new group of leaders that I adore. Fishing with John and Josh (my God-Children) and Katherine and also kayaking on the Willamette with George and his coworker. 

I love everything that I am doing. I love the gift of grace I have been extended every day. Life is a gift. I am so grateful. 

So, I had this interaction with someone yesterday that was counter to the flow of relationships that I have had. There was a weirdness that was unsettling. SO counter to the conversation I had with someone just an hour before - encouraging and edifying.

It leads me to pray for that person and not to be so sad about feeling a cold shoulder. In my Immanuel Journaling, I sensed that it was not about me, and I was able to let it go, but I am glad I chose another road.

There are always pockets of even Christian culture that are still difficult for me to enter into. This is one I could have walked into three years ago, but a retreat I went on with them was so weird. So unsettling. I had that same feeling again yesterday.

I decided to take another road, the "road less traveled" - it was entry into the OMS a month later and the lovely people I have been involved with because of that. (And Deepen and Renovare Book Club and 2HC and Authentic Spiritual "Seed Community" and the whole LifeModel Works way).  This person still is in that other culture, and I think my sense was right. I trust my discernment on that one. I pray for an activation of JOY in that person's heart. 

I am 34 seconds to go, and it was good to get that out. 

The Road Not Taken 

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Cold Comfort Farm

I loved this book. It is really funny! I tried reading this before and watching the movie, and I couldn't get into it. For some reason, I loved it this year. Clever and crazy. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Imagine a Jane Austen heroine stumbling into an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies, with the hillbillies portrayed by method actors. That will give you something of the flavor of this giddy tale, which presents a picture of country life that is roaringly bizarre—and hilarious. Flora Poste is a sophisticated Londoner whose education has been “expensive, athletic and prolonged.” When she is orphaned at nineteen, she heads off to stay with the Starkadders, her distant cousins on her late mother’s side. They have a dilapidated farm in the village of Howling—a place that turns out to be perfectly named, for what Flora discovers at Cold Comfort Farm is enough to make anyone scream. 

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch

Not all science fiction books are created equal. This is my third book by Philip K. Dick, and they are all engaging. It is still not my favorite genre, but I think it addresses some current issues, especially addiction to escape!

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

If one were assigned the unenviable task of selecting a single book as a showcase for all of Philip K. Dick’s tropes, tactics, tricks, themes, and tics, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch might well be the best choice. In its pages, we see in incredibly effective form the majority of the imagery, incidents, characters, and themes the author became known for: consumerist brainwashing; peculiar drugs; simulacra; Manic Pixie Girlfriends Who Are Truly Other Than What They Seem; psychic powers, especially precognition; the universe as a hostile minefield; egomaniacal sociopaths who become both more and less than human; sassy cybernetic constructs; shifting internal monologues; the inanity of mass media and pop culture; shifting levels of reality. They’re all here, wrapped around, underlying, and enclosing a captivating story line.

Friday Freewrite Fifteen

This is going to be a fast fifteen freewrite. I used to do these so much more than I do now, but that is OK. I do love to get all the thoughts swirling around in my head.

Yesterday, I sat down with C for a stimulating conversation. Her husband is new on staff with our church, and I just love her. We have a lot in common, and it was just a fun and easy talk. Turns out she went to high school with one of my sorority sisters. Such a small world. 

C said, "I know you are just so busy."

I said, "Actually, no. I just have lots of different pieces but they all interact together."

For instance, this morning, I had someone post that they are looking for someone who does cross-cultural spiritual direction. I do it, but someone else suggested a certain person in the region where the person asking the question is. Well, that person suggested is in another one of my pots. So I am making the connection for the person asking. Those two pots are too separate "jobs" I have, but they interconnect. 

So my pots are right now:

1) 2nd Half Collaborative - that is most on my mind right now because I am going to the Midwest in a week to help facilitate a retreat. All the people I facilitate with are with one of the agencies in #4. 

2) Deepen III (and maybe Deepen II) - I supervise a group of new directors who are doing Cross-Cultural Direction. I am also going to give a talk on that to the Deepen III supervisors and new directors when I get back from #1.

3) Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius (scroll down) - I am going to lead two women through these starting in mid-September. I spent the last two days working out the liturgical year schedule. One woman is related to #4 and the other is related to #1. 

This video explains the Exercises:

4) International Agencies - I do spiritual direction with people from five different agencies that work internationally. I do extra work for one that I have been involved in for the last 29 years by creating help (videos and handouts mostly) in their intimacy with God and care of their soul. I do a lot of "spontaneous soul care" with the workers from this particular agency. 

I am big on the Cycle of Grace as a spine. 

And the Cycle of Grace relates to #1 above. I help the other ones in the same way as my materials are passed on to people in their agencies. :) 

5) Sustainable Faith School of Spiritual Direction - I am one of the Affiliates; and in October, I will start helping my spiritual direction trainers in their training of new directors. This relates to all but #2 because many of the people I am involved with in these different groups have also been trained by Sustainable Faith. But could there be a "wing" of Sustainable Faith that specializes in #2? Could they join forces? Could I be a bridge to seeing that happen? Stay tuned!!

6) Body and Soul Companion - I have a private ministry with individual directees. Some are related to the other four, and some are local leaders. I lead some of them through the Exercises. Most are associated with #4. Many are from other cultures and religious backgrounds. (Thus why I am being asked to speak on "Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction" (and I am NO EXPERT). 

7) Local "Seed Community" - This started from something we did related to one of the agencies in  #4. We are considered the "pastors." (I don't think of myself this way though, but we have become that for signing off to send them out into the world.)

8) Order of the Mustard Seed - I co-lead a Centering Prayer time two times a week. I also occasionally lead Prayer Watches for the OMS. Many people in the OMS are being trained through Sustainable Faith, and I am thrilled. 

Later on Friday:

9) Renovare Book Club - I realized this in a discussion with my friend (2 1/2 hours and so fun). I forgot this pot. Such a good entry into all things Spiritual Formation. I am so grateful for Renovare, Richard Foster, and Dallas Willard!

Ulysses by James Joyce

I had attempted to read this on two separate occasions, but I decided to take the deep plunge this summer. It helped that I had been to Dublin since those first attempts, and it gave me some context to the "Odyssey" through the streets of this fabulous city. Now, I wish I had read the book before I went because I would have taken the map provided by the James Joyce Center (which was only a four-minute walk from my hotel)! Solution: Go back to Dublin. (Yes please!) 

This is one of the hardest books I had ever read, but I decided to just suspend figuring it out and just go with the flow. It is brilliant. Joyce loved to play with words and phrases. I loved the melody, and the narrator was THE BEST for making that come alive off the page. 

It also helped me to look up how it connects to the Odyssey of Homer (which I have read and taught). I feel like I accomplished a great feat. Just sayin'! 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Ulysses is perhaps the most famously difficult of all modern novels. Its difficulty, however, doesn’t lie in the story it tells, which, in its essentials, is quite simple: The book recounts certain events, most of them not in the least extraordinary, that occur in Dublin on June 16, 1904. What does make Ulysses more difficult than most novels is the manner of its telling. The stylistic richness and bravura of Ulysses are both daunting and exhilarating, often in the same line. The concentration of Joyce’s powers makes each passage a treasure to be excavated, each page its own Troy. Beneath all the complexity, Dublin remains the Muse, if not the real hero, of Joyce’s epic. No other work of literature had ever set out to replicate—and celebrate—the noise of urban life with such alertness, art, spite, and glee. Capturing the city he loved and despaired of in all its hunks and colors, grime and glory, grievances and yearnings, Joyce created a literary metropolis that hums, moans, shouts, and sings with the collective music of the human comedy. There is no other book like it. 

The Common Reader by Virginia Woolf

This is my summer to read Virginia. This book just proves what a genius she was. There is something about her writing that is so thoughtful and clear. I am not sure that this would be very interesting for most people, but I have read most of the authors she talks about in this collection of essays. So, I loved hearing her "TAKE" on them. 

It also makes me sad. How often brilliance and mental illness are closely linked. Sadness. Yet, C.S. Lewis was brilliant, but he found God. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

One of the most articulate and enjoyable essayists of the modern era, Virginia Woolf makes literary criticism personal, private musing universal, and social commentary both particular and purposeful. Woolf’s essays are legion, and they have been collected and regrouped in any number of individual volumes. Start with the pieces the author gathered in two volumes and called The Common Reader, in which Woolf assembles a refined personal library. Scholarship takes a back seat to serendipity, education seems—as it should—a circuit of enthusiasms, and a serious mind finds its shape among the sentences and sentiments that speak most directly to it. In these engaging volumes, Woolf develops her understanding while the reader learns valuable lessons about Chaucer and the Elizabethans, Montaigne and Defoe, Joseph Addison and Jane Austen, the Brontës and George Eliot. Of special note are the essays “On Not Knowing Greek” and “How It Strikes a Contemporary” (in the first volume), and “How Should One Read a Book?” (in the second). Making their acquaintance, one gains insight not only into reading, but into thinking and being as well. 

Started Wednesday but Finish Saturday Fifteen Freewrite

by my friend, Claire, at https://www.instagram.com/verse_images_by_hand/ 

Wednesday:

Oh, how beloved I am. How beloved anyone who reads this is. Claire just made this for me, or maybe she was on this verse already when I asked her for any pictures she had about our belovedness.

I will be introducing this to a group in Chicago at the end of the month. It will be nice to have an image to go along with it.

This is a freewrite. Something that I have not done in a very long time! 

Saturday:

I am trying to remember what it was that interrupted my freewrite on Wednesday, but here I am many days later typing away. I was in the middle of making a decision. I had spent much of Tuesday afternoon through Friday morning a bit stressed about a decision I needed to make about whether to 1) Do another leg of the Camino and 2) Tack on being at the Deepen II residency for people entering their training for spiritual direction. 

Out of the blue, the director called me to ask if I would help with the training. What? I have been supervising four women who have graduated from their program and are going through another year of supervision. I think that is good because they only get one year of experience during their regular training because the first year is devoted to spiritual formation. The program I was eventually trained in (having already been mentored one on one) starts you off doing spiritual direction right away, which I really liked! (Throw you in the water and sink or swim - all swim though.) 

So, I was willing to entertain it, but then I asked for prayer, and I think that is when John called to tell us that they were 80% sure that they were not going to be able to do the Camino after all because they might be moving in November so that John can learn Russian! That is so exciting and something we have been waiting for so long for him. I am excited that they will be out of limbo.  

So then we thought if John and Katherine don't go with us, we can do the Burgos to Leon portion by bike because that is the Meseta of Spain and flat and closer to Malaga where the residency would be. So, I looked into bike shops, trains/buses from Madrid or Malaga to the Meseta, and it looked pretty positive. Maybe? 

Well, Thursday night, I had a dream, and I was on the Camino and my bike fell off the trail and into the water along with my helmet, and I was trying to go out to the water to get them, but someone said I would get carried away with the current. 

I just woke up Friday morning saying, "No to both the Camino and the residency." (Sometimes people asking me to help them carries me away in the current of their agendas for me.) 

I asked for confirmation, and Nancy said unbeknownst to her, she was in her garden on Tuesday and right after I got the invitation to the residency and at the exact time she said:

You could not have known this but I literally sat down yesterday and was praying for you.  I asked if I should call you and God said, "Just pray!” 

After my Thursday night dream, I thought, "No, I don't want to do this." 

Then an hour after that, Dr. Myers's office called about my adjustments before my injections, and these injections require me to stop and rest for a few days, not go and bike the Meseta. 

Then I found out a few hours later that they wanted me on the 12th of October and not the 15th (like it was originally communicated). Well, my last injection is on the 13th. So that settled and confirmed it. (If that had been communicated originally, then I would have said no right away. But no matter, I loved the talk with the director. She is a lovely lady.) 

When I wrote Nancy to tell her my decision, she said:

Honestly, I quickly saw you under His care and saw a question:

'What would you like to do?'

It came very quickly. It was as if the yes would add stress for a season. An added adventure for sure but with added stress.

As an observer that knows you, I was hoping you would say no.

:) I RARELY have stress dreams anymore. Ever since I learned about dreams in my spiritual direction training, and I could name the theme that would often come up in most of my dreams (feeling overly responsible and people-pleasing), God healed me of a lot of anxiety. Paying attention to this dream made me hop out of bed and say, "NO!"

I also think God was giving me an inkling during one of the spiritual direction times when I led my directee through a memory of an experience of joy. I usually do it with them (and keep it to myself), and God gave me the memory of Delta giving us business class when they made a mistake with our seat assignment from London to Portland. It was such a joyful surprise, and it was also a trip where it was just the two of us, and God was saying that we needed that since our last couple trip was in 2019. We always love those times together, and since 2014, we said, "Let's do this kind of thing every other year from now on." 

So, we did England in 2016, France in 2018, and the Rhine in 2019. (This was all after no vacation for "fun" since 1991 - no joke - mostly going to California to help my mom and ministry trips.) But then COVID came, and we have also had more ministry adventures and the Camino with friends. I would not trade those, but it is time to plan something as a couple. 

So peaceful and able to devote myself fully to going to Chicago and praying through my new small group for the 2HC. That is really good. God is so good to direct and guide. Bye.

The Pandora Problem

The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders & Ourselves by E. James Wilder
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book took me almost two months to read!

It is such an enlightening book but was hard to get through because it is discouraging to read about the prevalence of narcissism in Christian culture, and it is a big commitment to establish a group identity and love the narcissist. It is also about narcissism in ourselves, and I found the whole concept of "enemy mode" so helpful! I think I will read that book next.

In facing narcissism in our leaders and ourselves we have come to learn six things. Perhaps we knew them all before. There is very little new about these six truths that reflect our identity as the family of God.

1. We are a people.
2. We share the pain of others.
3. We exchange healthy shame messages
4. We combat self-justification.
5. We love our enemies spontaneously.
6. We build loyalty around weakness.

What we have concluded from these six truths can be summarized in two processes:

1. We raise hesed levels (a Hebrew word meaning "love and faithfulness,” “unfailing love,” “faithful love,” “steadfast love,” and “loyal love.”)
2. We lower qasheh levels (a Hebrew word "stiff-necked, hard, cruel, severe, obstinate, difficult, fierce, intense, vehement, stubborn, and rigorous of battle." This is a word for taking glory and avoiding shame.)

Our progress can be measured by one thing.

1. How we love our enemies.

All human brains come wired with the desire to be members of a joyful, peaceful, and protective people. How we love our enemies, therefore, becomes the effective focus for communities who are creating disciples of Jesus.

Born as lions we become as lambs. (p. 255)

This is a valuable book that I am reading with two wives who are married to probable narcissists. (To clarify, I am not married to one [the antitheses of one, in fact], but for years, God has been putting wives in my path who are married to them, and I think this book is helpful.) It astounds me to read the condemning emails from the pastors to one of the wives who has enabled this behavior in her husband for decades. The message: keep enabling the behavior because that is your duty as a wife.

RUBBISH.

I think anything James Wilder writes is so good for the body of Christ. I started with Renovated and then The Other-Half of Church.

P.S. In the midst of reading this, I had a difficult exchange with a friend of 40+ years, and I applied the principles of this book, despite the potential for "enemy mode," it was so beautiful how the situation turned out.

View all my reviews

The Age of Innocence

I read House of Mirth years ago and loved it. This book is exquisitely written. Many of the books I have read on Mustich's list this year have been "bombs" in my estimation, but this one has returned me to hope that there are many more great books to be had on his list. 

It is one of the best books I have ever read. I agree with everything that Mustich says in his evaluation of the book below.

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Edith Wharton’s best fiction is a form of intelligence, a gathering of detailed information that turns revelatory under her persistent and insightful gaze. She wrote about the world she knew—New York high society at the turn of the twentieth century, where rules were unbreakable, money was silent, and retribution for social transgression was severe. Her novels are both art and espionage. Compared with her earlier novel, The House of Mirth, The Age of Innocence paints a more nuanced and sympathetic portrait of the upper crust, both acknowledging and exposing the machinations that take place behind its genteel façade. It’s a brilliant social critique as well as a sweeping love story. Alongside The House of Mirth, it stands among the best novels ever written about the unraveling of individual destinies in the seductive—and enduring—bear pit of New York society. 

Tender is the Night

I loved this book. The ultimate enabling/codependent relationship! Wow! So insightful, but Fitzgerald knew from personal experience what it was like to enable a mentally ill spouse. 

I liked it even more than The Great Gatsby. It was also appealing because many of the places they traveled were places that I have been. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Tender Is the Night—the last of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s four completed novels, and the author’s favorite—sprawls among dozens of characters and settings across Western Europe before and after World War I. Although its messy, heartbreaking story of mental illness, alcoholism, and the disintegration of a marriage is somehow unsatisfying compared with The Great Gatsby’s perfectly balanced narrative, Tender Is the Night is for many readers more powerful in its enduring pull: As Fitzgerald unfolds the tale of Dick and Nicole Diver, we pass through infatuation, seduction, and ardor only to end in a kind of strange regret. Few other fictions evoke as well as this one the emotional weather of real life, the currents and temptations that envelop us without ever quite finding rest in an embrace. 

Ringworld

This is my third science fiction novel this month. I am weary of this genre! So that is why I couldn't wait to finish this book. It never really grabbed me. Sigh. I am going back to my type of fiction. I am hoping to read The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. More my speed and one I have wanted to read for quite some time. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

“Hard” science fiction—heavy on technical detail and informed with scientific precision—reached a pinnacle in the best work of Larry Niven, who, in his heyday, seemed to occupy a galaxy all his own. His headlong and engrossing novel Ringworld, which spawned several sequels, illustrates his most captivating qualities as a novelist.

NOVA

Meh. Not really gripping to me. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

A perfectly realized rehabilitation of the hoary space opera, Samuel R. Delany’s Nova is still as forward-looking and peerless today as at its birth, when it catapulted its twenty-five-year-old author to the top of the science fiction scene. The contending Shakespearean dynasties; the quirky, deeply inhabited characters; the poetic language (rococo, yet somehow still limpid); the portrait of a future radically estranged from ours, where our era is mythic to theirs, while they are myths-to-come for us; the layered symbolism—all these aspects are drawn from past masters, yet are fused into an organic whole whose likes had never before been seen. Most novas burn out to cinders, but this one—vital, prescient, affecting, a genuine work of art—blazes as brightly as ever. 

The Hours

Since I just read Orlando, I thought I would read this book about Virginia Woolf and the stories of two other women: Carissa (who is like a modern-day Mrs. Dalloway - a book I read years ago), and Laura (a LA suburban housewife of the 60s - the place and era in which I grew up). 

It is written so well. It is sad, but it is so beautiful at the same time. 

I even found the movie on Freevee TV. The acting is perfect. Beautifully done and the role that won Nicole Kidman her Oscar. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Virginia Woolf’s 1925 novel Mrs. Dalloway, set on a single June day in London, is punctuated by the tolling of Big Ben, the bell inside the clock tower at the Houses of Parliament. Its regular marking of the time—“First a warning, musical; then the hour, irrevocable”—reminds Clarissa Dalloway of both the day’s passage and the evanescence of all things. This indelible symbol provided Woolf’s novel with its working title: The Hours. Seven decades on, Michael Cunningham, a writer of uncommon sensitivity and an unabashed Woolf lover, retrieved it for his best novel, a stunning invocation of Mrs. Dalloway and a masterful fiction in its own right. The Hours (1998) is a book that leaves the reader feeling hopeful and blessed, suffused with the ever-present, ineffable wonder of life. Really. 

Orlando

What an incredibly creative story. This is my third book by Virginia Woolf, and she really is a great writer. (But a tortured soul.) 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Woolf’s words invariably dance across her pages with an enthusiasm that engenders delight. None of her books is more joyful than Orlando, a mock-biography that follows the fortunes of its protagonist across four centuries, from the era of Elizabeth I to the stroke of midnight on the eleventh of October, 1928. Orlando grows up as a young nobleman in thrall to love and literature, travels as an ambassador to the Ottoman court in Constantinople, returns to the England of Pope and Dryden, and enters and exits the Victorian era, having achieved in the end the ripe old age of thirty. Traversing more than the borders of nations and centuries, Orlando is transformed along the way from hero to heroine, a willing victim of the author’s exuberant invention as Woolf engages, with playful abandon, themes of gender, biography, writing, and desire. Written in tribute to her friend and lover Vita Sackville-West, Woolf’s biographical fantasy is a delicious celebration of the exhilarating powers of infatuation and imagination.