For Someone Awakening To The Trauma of His or Her Past by John O'Donohue

Photo by Erik-Jan Leusink on Unsplash

For Someone Awakening To The Trauma of His or Her Past:

For everything under the sun there is a time.

This is the season of your awkward harvesting,

When the pain takes you where you would rather not go,

Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place

You had forgotten you knew from the inside out;

And a time when that bitter tree was planted

That has grown always invisibly beside you

And whose branches your awakened hands

Now long to disentangle from your heart.

You are coming to see how your looking often darkened

When you should have felt safe enough to fall toward love,

How deep down your eyes were always owned by something

That faced them through a dark fester of thorns

Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong;

You could only see what touched you as already torn.

Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning.

And your memory is ready to show you everything,

Having waited all these years for you to return and know.

Only you know where the casket of pain is interred.

You will have to scrape through all the layers of covering

And according to your readiness, everything will open.

May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide

Who can accompany you through the fear and grief

Until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

As your tears fall over that wounded place,

May they wash away your hurt and free your heart.

May your forgiveness still the hunger of the wound

So that for the first time you can walk away from that place,

Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed,

And feel the clear, free air bless your new face.”

― John O'Donohue

Sunday Sixteen Freewrite

I know this about me. When I start something, I love to follow it through to the end. I immerse myself in it and usually enjoy everything I do once I get started. 

As you know, my last post said I was putting the Spiritual Exercises on my YouTube channel. So I TOTALLY IMMERSED myself in the life of Jesus and the Spiritual Exercises and put 29 out of the 32 weeks up there in eight weeks. 

And I loved every minute of it (except for maybe when George turned off all the power while I was uploading my last TWO videos - He blocked my goal of closure, but I got over it quickly). It was so much fun. I did Imaginative Contemplation "on the fly" while the camera was rolling. 

I wanted to complete the three weeks of Christmas at Christmas though, with all my Christmas decor and Advent wreath burning in the background. So, I am waiting until after Thanksgiving to meditate on his birth. 

I decided to add the "Choices in the Way of Life" later and am still working on that. Ignatius recommended this when we have a decision to make. I meditated in Matthew 6 today, and the picture above is from that. I do have some decisions to make soon:

1) Spiritual Direction with Children class. I interviewed with Lacy and was accepted, but I have to add two children to my already full spiritual direction clientele, and they want me to meet with them every week or every other week and write up Contemplative Reflection forms for each of them. I am just not sure if I have the capacity. Maybe if I pull back next year, I can enter into that. 

2) Deepen - I LOVED my Deepen III (new spiritual director supervision) small group. They were four of the loveliest women. Really and truly. I adore them, and they are all spiritual directors I would recommend others go to, for sure. I think the door is open for me to be involved with Deepen in the future. I have decided to take a break though. It was a lot more time than I thought. I put in about 150 hours over ten months (because I had meetings for the leaders, did a talk on Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction, spent outside time doing written supervision for the women we did not do in the 2 hours allotted time with the group, and attended seminars that other leaders gave.) It was much more time than I thought it would be. I think I am going to realize how much more time I have now that my meetings are over (except I have four more written supervisions which take about 1/2 hour each to complete). I will miss my small group. I don't think I fit with the leaders though. Most are trained as directors from seminaries, and it is such a different mentality than how I was trained. So, I will leave for now and evaluate in the future.

3. Deepen graduates - Well, I have been asked by several of the people in this program to do group supervision with them. There is one group of four for sure and more who want to join, but they are thinking of maybe a second group. I am still praying about the time for a second group. I really love all the people who will join too. I know I will do one. Discerning about doing the second. I will also do one-on-one supervision with one of the people in my current group every three months or so. Love all around for these graduates. 

4. Spiritual Directees - I am asked to do direction consistently. I think I am at my limit now though. I had two people inquire about doing direction with me, and I just didn't feel the pull with them. One discerned in a different direction, and the other was leaning toward me but found someone she could do it within her time zone and locally. I think doing direction in person is always a very good choice! And I was really relieved since I didn't feel like I clicked. I have one new directee who I think is a very good fit, and I look forward to meeting with her. 

5. Direction Training - I thought I had discerned and been accepted into becoming a Sustainable Faith Trainer, but there was some miscommunication, and the "powers that be" said they were taking no new trainers as of September. I decided to train as a trainer in March with the people training me (they are the best). So, I would have made an exception. But there was no flexibility, and I see it as a gift really.

So, I asked if I could just go on my own, and she said, "Sure." I think this is a better option actually because:

• I have a few books that I would include as an alternative to the ones with Sustainable Faith
• I have already developed so much of my own stuff. So it can be part of my newly created curriculum. I love to create.
• I can offer the training at a lower price since Sustainable Faith will not be taking an administrative "cut." (Totally understand why they do that though.) 
• I can use my manual for the Spiritual Exercises and reduce the cost for my trainees. They would also have access to guided meditations on YouTube.
• I can offer a cross-cultural component.
• I can offer a trained perspective on the Enneagram and how to incorporate this into direction (they have two modules, but they don't address how it can be helpful in a session). 
• I want to incorporate things from the Cycle of Grace and Identity/Belovedness from Henri Nouwen and Jamie Winship.

So, I had fun writing a new curriculum. I submitted it to the ESDA. We will see if they approve it, but it is OK if they do not too. I feel like God has been saying to step out on my own and in faith lately anyway. So, this is in line with what he is saying. So, I am going to start training a group of 3 or 6 trainees starting in September or October. It has to be in multiples of three so we can have triads for practicing. I have two out of the first three. So praying for four more delightful people to join us!

We had some things hit us all at once (I am going over my 16 minutes since I have not journaled on this blog for a long time - freewrites can be very healthy):

• George had blood leak into his eye causing spots. He was able to stop the bleeding but the spot remaining may be there permanently. He is so sweetly peaceful, and his biggest concern is that I do not have to do all the driving. I pray for healing.
• I had two suspicious spots on my wrist and back. Since I am a melanoma survivor, I will be biopsied in early December.
• A pastor we know was let go, and we are so burdened for them. They are devastated. We know the people who let them go. So, in some ways, we feel caught, loving people on both sides. Such an awkward position. It has really affected me. 
• John and Katherine moved. We will miss them so much. It is bittersweet. Sad for us but happy for them. 
• A big whammy was getting a letter from the IRS saying we owed a TON of money and penalties. We are talking a TON. That burdened us for eight days until the accountant found their mistake (forgot to add the withholding on the right line). We had to write a check for ONE DOLLAR on Friday. Can you believe it!

So, those were all the things. Good to get it all out. 

The moral of the story and just as the picture above depicts:

God cares for us more than the birds or flowers of the field. He cares for those dear Deepen people, the Sustainable Faith person who said, "NO" to me, the pastor and his wife who are devastated, George with his eye, and me with possible melanoma again. 

 

Living with God is the good life. 

UNHURRYING REFLECTIONS

Photo by Jo Heubeck & Domi Pfenninger on Unsplash

 UNHURRYING STATION

REFLECTION QUESTIONS 

2nd Half Collaborative

Background: Every month, we are at a different "Station" in our journey:

SEP ST 2: UNHURRYING

OCT ST 3: NOTICING

NOV ST 4: IMMUNITY TO CHANGE 

JAN ST 5: AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL COMMUNITY

FEB ST 6: SEASONS OF LIFE/GRIEVING LOSSES

MAR ST 7: CONTEMPLATION, COMMUNITY, MISSION INTEGRATION

APR ST 8: COLLABORATION

MAY ST 9: DISCERNING LIFE CONTRIBUTIONS

JUN ST 10: DEVELOPING A RULE OF LIFE

Each month has a four week cycle:

1 - Learn

2 - Practice

3 - Reflect

4 - Share 

• What did you notice about yourself as you engaged an unhurrying/slowing practice last week?

LOVED IT. I laugh because I think I have really slowed down, but I did errands with George, looking for things for a welcome basket for a new refugee family that has arrived, and George laughed. I am thinking I am just going along and patient - we went to seven stores looking for a wall clock! Once we found one (at the store CLOSEST to our house - LOL), we were walking out of the store, and George started laughing. Internally, I was patient and slow, but he said, "It is always more lively when you come along. You are so QUICK to make a decision about things. He loves to take his time with everything.  From my perspective I was slow, but his clock is very different from mine, and I am thankful. 

• What insights emerged?

I love to slow down. I love to unhurry. Usually, in the 2HC, we do this unit in August. That is the slowest of all my months. So, it is easy then. Most of my directees are on vacation. September is never "SLOW"! So it was good to be slow in the midst of all that I had going on. 

I had a very full month, but I felt really good about slowing down. I think we hurry because we are fearful. I wasn't fearful or anxious about anything. I gave a two-hour talk to spiritual directors and trainers of directors, and they told me 9 a.m., but the person who took over put the time at an hour earlier! I just happened to look at the "Madrid" time and asked Siri what time it was, and I was 7 minutes late for a talk I was giving! I was still in my pajamas, but I didn't panic. I wasn't fearful. I did the whole Zoom presentation in my pajamas. I don't even think I brushed my hair beforehand. I just did it, and I wasn't afraid or hurried. I really enjoyed it. 

Preparing for that thing took over 100 hours, and I really didn't start it until after the 2HC retreat because I wanted to be fully prepared. I had a grumpy attitude about doing it at first. After I confessed, I went about it with slow joy. 

I also made sure I PAUSED in the midst of all my activities for Centering Prayer. When I committed to that, the time at work was so much easier. I took lots of walks and the kayaking with the SLOW FISHERMAN was delightful. I saw multicolored rocks in the water and BALD EAGLES on the shore! I had to stop a lot to wait for them. The stretch of river we took usually takes me 2 hours in a kayak, and it took 4!

I think I don't hurry as much because most of what I do is in line with my destiny and my cardboard sign: which I had hanging up on my wall. Along with the blessings given to me at the last 2HC retreat. One I really honed in on was from David, and he saw me as a CATALYTIC BUILDER of communities. So, everything I do is in line with that deepest desire and destiny God has given me. 

"Simplify your life over what really matters" John Mark Comer

If I am walking in my destiny, there is confidence, and lack of hurry, and indifference to people's approval. 

I am so much more indifferent to things than I ever have been. 

"Comparison just eats away at our joy." 

My family were high-achievers, but my dad never hurried. I never saw him stressed. He did everything with such joy. He had rhythms of rest. 

• What encounters with God and others did a slower pace facilitate?

I could be fully present to others. 

Group - We have had two times where we started in Silent/Centering Prayer. WOW! God has opened that door miraculously. 

Tea with Dee was so fun!!

• How was the quality of those encounters impacted?

Sitting in the Hellesto's backyard was so lovely. A joyful memory of the last month. Soul to soul time. 

Good encounters at the wedding of one of our workers. Stopping to celebrate well. 

• What practice of “unhurrying” might the Spirit be inviting you to try out this week? (It is not a 2HC “assignment” to engage another practice, just something to consider between you and the Lord.)

Continuing in Centering Prayer. Committed to it even when I cannot make it to the group. 

• In what ways has hurry influenced your life to date? How has it impacted you, your experience of life, and your connection with God and others?

I used to hurry all the time. Meditating on Romans 8 this morning reminded me of this. I read something I wrote several years ago about that time just this morning too. Scroll down to REFLECTION in the post. 

• What invitation to slowing/unhurrying do you detect? What would need to change in your life rhythms to say yes to that invitation? What threatens to prevent you from saying yes?

Saying NO to the GOOD things in order to say YES to the BEST things. 

• Recall Dallas Willard’s response to the question, “What do I need to do to become the me I want to be?” 

He said, “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. There is nothing else. Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.” 

What area of your life might not give in to unhurrying without the application of some holy ruthlessness?

Exercises for Everyone - The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola

I have finally done it! Ever since I went through my training in leading others through the Spiritual Exercises and writing a manual to go with it, I have wanted to have daily guided meditations/contemplations each day, and I have always thought I needed fancy production. I started three new people this last week. (I like to do it with 2-4 people every time. I am not into mass production here.)  The last two times I led people through them, I did not go through them myself, but I decided to do it this year, and I am recording it as I do it, :) Not fancy, just fun. But, if you know me, that is how I like things. 

So here is the whole playlist in progress: 

Exercises for Everyone

I am going to see if I can embed it here:

Enjoy!

Put a comment here, and I can send you the manual if you want it. 

Saturday Freewrite - Home and Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction

Home

It was a cool ocean breeze

Wafting through a sunny day. 

Mayberry by the Sea. 

That was what El Segundo was to me. 

Bikinis in the sand

Coppertone and cocoa butter

Melting on my skin

And the sound of the waves 

Crashing over and over 

Onto slightly slanted 

Hard sand.

The sound of the

Top 100 

Playing on a transistor

Strategically placed on a 

Big beach towel

Body surfing

Bottoms coming off with the crash

Boys circling

Girls grouped together

Giggling on a lazy summer day

The sun begins to go down

And we gather all our things

And make the hike up

To the bus stop on PCH

Looking at our brown skin

Baked to 70s standard perfection

Well, that was fun. Home. 

I am giving a talk on "Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction" on Tuesday, and this is my opening picture. To talk about our first culture. I had such a great childhood culture. Mom had her difficulties, but, for the most part, I had a good life. Living there was so lovely. This was magnified by El Segundo winning the Little League World Series and communicating with so many of my childhood friends and alumni from my high school. We had a rich heritage that continues to today. Blessed.  

So, back to the Cross-Cultural Spiritual Direction talk. On the same day, I had two separate Examens with two directees starting the Exercises this week. When it came to my desolations, on both occasions, it was preparing for this talk, and I had to confess my bad attitude toward it. 

Well, Mike H. used to always tell me that with every desolation, consolation is right around the corner, and confessing that really broke things for me, and Thursday and Friday were both a joy. I woke up Thursday with the visual of the picture above and talking about my first cross-cultural experience was becoming a believer and stepping into a church! It was a foreign place to me. 

Somehow, that propelled me forward in so many ways. It also helped to be intentional about Centering Prayer on Thursday. Once was easy because I was leading a group, the other time was when I started my day out on the deck. I do believe the "Twice for Transformation" quote about Centering Prayer is so true. Actually, now that I think of it, I was able to do it three times, because we got together as a group, and I asked if we could start out with Centering Prayer. So we had a little seven-minute sit. Two people fell asleep during it, but that is OK! :) It helps that one of the participants in that group is part of my talk. :) It was so encouraging to see her growth and freedom. 

So, I finished at 3:15 yesterday. I felt so free. This talk has been percolating in my head ever since we set the date at least four months ago. I just had so much in between then and now. I really couldn't get to it until after I returned from Chicago, and with that, I had quite a few directees to meet with.

So, now I have a free Saturday. I might run through the talk a couple of times, but I also might do other things. I think I am pretty ready for it. 

God, you are good and you are home. 

All that to say, I finished and am free. I just have to give it on Tuesday morning. 

Friday Freewrite - The Road Less Traveled

So Glad the Road Led Me to St. Mary's of the Lake and 2HC Retreat

I am in a good place. The summer was so wonderful. Other than a little hiccup with a friend (that friend had no idea what their actions were doing to me internally, and I didn't see the need to bring it up because it was something I needed to work through, and I managed to work it through in an Immanuel Journaling Session with the Lord - so that desolation turned into a consolation of big proportion), I have such lovely memories of my summer: the LifeWorks Class and small group, time with our community group, my friend coming to "surrender to the lover of her soul," fulfilling time with Deepen III spiritual directors, lovely times with directees, deep deck talks with others, family time, especially in the North Cascades, fun finish of the Corvallis to Sea trail and all my photos. And the Chicago Cherry on top with the 2nd Half Collaborative and the lovely face-to-face cohort and team I worked with. I came back to rich times with all my directees. I have such a good group of soul friends to explore deeper rhythms of grace with. Oh and the OMS times of prayer this week. The new group of leaders that I adore. Fishing with John and Josh (my God-Children) and Katherine and also kayaking on the Willamette with George and his coworker. 

I love everything that I am doing. I love the gift of grace I have been extended every day. Life is a gift. I am so grateful. 

So, I had this interaction with someone yesterday that was counter to the flow of relationships that I have had. There was a weirdness that was unsettling. SO counter to the conversation I had with someone just an hour before - encouraging and edifying.

It leads me to pray for that person and not to be so sad about feeling a cold shoulder. In my Immanuel Journaling, I sensed that it was not about me, and I was able to let it go, but I am glad I chose another road.

There are always pockets of even Christian culture that are still difficult for me to enter into. This is one I could have walked into three years ago, but a retreat I went on with them was so weird. So unsettling. I had that same feeling again yesterday.

I decided to take another road, the "road less traveled" - it was entry into the OMS a month later and the lovely people I have been involved with because of that. (And Deepen and Renovare Book Club and 2HC and Authentic Spiritual "Seed Community" and the whole LifeModel Works way).  This person still is in that other culture, and I think my sense was right. I trust my discernment on that one. I pray for an activation of JOY in that person's heart. 

I am 34 seconds to go, and it was good to get that out. 

The Road Not Taken 

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.