Saturday Sixteen Sizzler

Freewrite sixteen (Freewrites are where you just keep writing and not worry about anything other than just to keep writing free.)

It is going to be hot today. I am on my deck at 10:16 am, and it is perfect. We leave at 11:30 for my mother-in-law's house. Then, we are on to a BBQ with people who are involved in the same kind of work that we are involved in. (I forget how to turn off Grammarly. It used to be free and so unobtrusive in their basic corrections, but now they try to get you to buy their Premium, and they are now too intrusive for my taste. I want to turn off the premium part and just stick to things I really have misspelled or forgotten something. UGH!)

So, I had a Centering Prayer time this morning, and my mind had a hard time focusing and kept going to something that happened on Thursday afternoon. Seriously, I have journaled privately about this thing, and I even went away to pray about it at the OSU Library for four hours, and it still is there...lurking! 

So, I thought I better say something. It just was festering, and I kept hoping. I heard from God about it. Come to think of it, he never said to "Let it go." I think I was supposed to speak up, and I did speak up, and the person took it really well. It was hard to speak up, but it was over feeling like someone who didn't have my back. All I heard was what I did wrong. They were very gracious, but their perspective was that they wanted to help out the other person talking. I had made the decision to have that person go first. It may have been a poor decision. But when I was corrected for my decision, I only heard, "Hey Carol, you did this wrong by asking this person to go first. We should have done it this way." I would have been fine had they done that privately, but I felt embarrassed having them do it in front of the whole group.

Also, my mind goes to...would they have done that if I were a man? 

The person apologized, and eventually, they gave their thought about why they did it, not even thinking about how it might affect me. It was a good talk. I was just going to not say anything, but then I wondered if it would slip out in the future. 

Seriously, I have felt like I wanted to quit. I have not felt like I wanted to do that in the middle of something in a long time. 

I still wonder if I am at the end of my tenure in doing this thing. I have continued to get that picture of that Boldly Beloved Bird Flying Free. I do remember at the end of the first year that I wanted to leave, but my spiritual director talked me out of it, and I am glad because it was great for years two and three, but I am not sure if I am the best fit for this group of people. I am not on the "in crowd" when it comes to people like them. 

I think I do much better freelancing. I am good working on something if I can tweek and have autonomy to tweak as I see fit. That goes back to that counselor in 1983 saying, "Carol, you score really high on creativity. How did you feel in the Navigators?" My immediate response was, "Stifled." There have been times where I have felt stifled with this situation, but I love what they have created. 

That is why I am sort of glad that it didn't work out for me to be with the spiritual direction training organization that I was going to join. I think I should be on my own in that respect. I won't have the advantage of having someone else take care of the financial part, but I like that I can be free to create my own stuff and fly free in creativity. 

I will have to see. I want to put that poem by John O'Donohue. Maybe I will just put the section that I have in a painting I purchased in Boise. 

I want to "live the life that I would love...and waste my heart on fear no more." 

I am crying. August has been my crying month. Happy and sad tears combined. He stores them all and He knows me (John 10:27). 

Stranger in a Strange Land

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

Robert Heinlein's most famous and influential work, albeit not his most brilliantly speculative, is surely Stranger in a Strange Land, a book whose questioning of social mores and religious certitude have made it as congenial to some readers as it has been controversial to others. Astonishingly entertaining, yet full of meaty philosophical and quotidian barbs, rife with pathos and laughs, this novel—whether in its original form or the expanded author’s cut—remains as poignant and provocative as the day it was issued. 

Centering Prayer by M. Basil Pennington

It took me FOREVER to read this book. This was the first book I picked up on a prayer retreat at Queen of Angels Monastery many years ago, and I read a few pages and said, "This Centering Prayer is not for me."

Well, I have about six years of consistent Centering Prayer practice, and this book makes so much more sense to me now. I ate it up! Loved it. LOL!

If you want to know my Centering Prayer story, here is it: 

Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer

This is a newer version with content similar to Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline and Ruth Haley Barton's Sacred Rhythms. 

He has a whole web presence with activities for churches (https://www.practicingtheway.org/). I pray it reaches this young pastor's generation just as Foster's reached mine. 

I went for a retreat at a monastery in June, and there was a woman on a church staff who was incorporating the practices into their church. She had never been on a retreat like this. It was phenomenal for her. So, I applaud Comer's efforts to reach his generation. 

Paddle-to-the-Sea

I had only seen the movie made on this book and never actually read the book. It is delightful! We are going to order it.

We went on a journey through the Great Lakes in July, and one of the educators talked about the St. Lawrence Seaway and started with this book being the inspiration for his fascination with it.

(Pictures from that trip coming soon - on our last cruise, I posted pictures every day, but the one on the Great Lakes was SO BUSY! I didn't have time.) 

Mother God

This book tries to get at the maternal side of God. The illustrations are gorgeous, but it just didn't connect with me. It is one of the recommended books in the Spiritual Accompaniment of Children class I am taking. 

A Well-Trained Wife by Tia Levings

This will probably be the hardest review I have ever written. 

I cried through every page. I am crying now. 

I will be brief:

Read this book.

It will help you understand that there is truly a disgusting undercurrent in Christianity today. It isn't just in "cult-like" Christianity. 

If you are a pastor, please be humble and read it to understand the HORROR that happens in countless "good Christian homes" worldwide. You need to wake up and protect women and hold men accountable for their abuse.

If you are a happy follower of Jesus with a good marriage and have never experienced this, you still need to read this. It is happening. Mark my words, it is happening! Practice compassion. Quit judging. 

If you are offended by the language, get over it and read it. 

As I read through tears, I tried to remember where we were on Tia's timeline when I slept in Beth's room with Tia on the floor in June of 2002. It was our second official Trapdoor retreat in South Carolina. (When you read the book, you will see a chapter with that title. I'm Carolfoasia.)  

Trapdoor Retreat June 2002. Greenville, South Carolina

I don't remember what we talked about, but I know it was late into the night, I remember Tia being so brilliant, creative, and wonderful. I have always loved her. But that night, there was something in the shadows. I wanted to ask the deeper questions, and I wish I had. 

Reading about what was hidden in the shadows breaks my heart. My tears flowed. And my blood boiled! 

I wish Tia's story was an isolated one.

It is not. There have been other women in this situation in my life since then. My tears flow. My heart breaks. My blood boils. Every...single...time.

I am currently a "friend who stands by" in two situations. One where the pastors and elders have acted with compassion and protection (and this happens to be my church). The other is where the pastors have acted like condescending jerks. I want to scream every time I read a letter from them reprimanding my lovely mentor and friend. 

I stand with the women who are abused.

Read the book.

Please stand with them too. 

Praying in Color: Kid's Edition

This is a nice book that introduces a creative way to pray by doodling shapes and names of people children might be praying for.

I don't like the introduction, assuming how hard it might be for kids to pray. I think her introducing it would have been better than assuming kids have a hard time praying. 

She does this negative stuff in the adult version too (not finished yet so stay tuned for my review)

If I were reading this to a kid, I would skip the negative upfront part. If there were problems, we can address them, but why assume the negative and worst first? 

The Rabbit Listened

This book is a simple, yet powerful message of presence and listening bearing witness rather than "leading the witness." It is an analogy of what spiritual direction is all about, just being there and simply listening.

I am taking it with Lacy Finn Borgo's Spiritual Accompaniment with Children training. This is the last time she will be teaching it. I think those she trained will teach it in the future. It goes from August 10 to December 10. It is a big commitment, but so far I like it. 

I have read a few of the books she recommends. I cannot read all of them though because they are not in my library, and it would cost HUNDREDS of dollars to buy all the ones she recommends. 

The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith

If you read my previous two posts, you know that the spiritual directors I am helping Marty and Sandy train (if you want to become a director, they are the bomb - check them out - they might still have room in their upcoming cohort) read this in Year One: Module Five and will reread in Year Two.

It needs more editing, but it is a great book for giving voice to where a person is on their spiritual journey. So, I highly recommend it.

Leadership Emergence Theory and Negotiating the Doing to Being Boundary

I read this in June, but I am behind in my reviews. June was a big month for getting everything ready to lead a group of four people through the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius and three people (it was almost four last week, but it didn't go through - whew. I didn't want that many people and the eight hour time difference adding this person would mean for our meeting time - but I digress). 

I like The Making a Leader by the same author better, but this one explains the whole theory in greater detail which was important for me to understand. 

This group read The Critical Journey in May. So I combined all three books, adding to a handout I created when teaching Women Becoming in 2005 and subsequent SHAPE classes and TOAGs from 2006-2018. 

I hope the people I am leading through this like it! Now I will have it all for people who want to do this when they go through the Exercises OR want to do it in a stand-alone exercise. It is so helpful.

The Making of a Leader

2024: I am taking people through the Spiritual Exercises and decided to give them the option of creating a timeline where they can see the movements of God in their lives.  I have had a handout since 2005 with questions from this book and combined it with questions from The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith. I wouldn't do this for everyone going through the Exercises, but these are spiritual directors in training, and I thought it might be helpful. It was fun to revisit this and his Leadership Emergence Theory book. We will see how my directees liked it when we meet in September.

Here is my previous review from 2017:

https://carolhomeschool2.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-making-of-leader-by-j-robert-clinton.html 

Fifteen Minute Frenzied Freewrite and the Free-flowing Wine Waterfall

Fifteen minutes, starting now (or so Siri says).

I had another "wrench" put into my scheduling for the year. I think I am addicted to closure and having things settled. I am not even that strong of a "J" on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator ("J" is the one that likes a final "J" judgment - not judgemental, just wants to see a final verdict/judgment in the whole scheme of things).

I think being a strong "F" (feeler) and a big people person, I want everyone to come on along and feel included, loved, and wanted. Sometimes, I am too accommodating though. I like people, and I certainly LOVE what I do, and when it rains, it pours! 

I told George yesterday, that I feel like I am standing under the "wine waterfall"! I had a vision of it on March 19, 2023, followed by a verse on March 26th (Amos 9:13 in The Message), and am getting pummeled underneath it. 

Adding Amos 9:13:

“Yes indeed, it won’t be long now.” God’s Decree.

“Things are going to happen so fast your head will swim, one thing fast on the heels of the other. You won’t be able to keep up. Everything will be happening at once—and everywhere you look, blessings! Blessings like wine pouring off the mountains and hills." 

I am adding Psalm 85:11. The flowers were in the vision, and then God gave me this promise 10 days later (I really love that God confirms things like this):

"Flowering of your faithfulness are blooming on the earth." (TPT)

Where should I stand with the waterfall, LORD? All the things I have dreamed about are coming true, and I cannot keep up. (Grammarly - how do I close you down? You are annoying me to no end with your silly suggestions. This is a freewrite, by Golly.) 

I will put a picture of the "Wine Waterfall" after I am done with this freewrite.

First of all, I am sick today. It started yesterday afternoon, I fell asleep for an hour between 2-3. I fell asleep again in the early evening. Then, I fell asleep at 10 pm and slept for 10 hours. SO UNLIKE ME (I only need six hours - I have the "Sleepless Elite" gene - 1-3% of the population. So when I sleep for 10 and more during the day, I know that I am sick. Here are the famous members.) 

So, I postponed my direction session with "C" until Thursday. She was so understanding. I have only had to postpone two other times in all my years of direction. 

I think I am a bit overwhelmed with the waterfall too. So, I am reading today and trying to schedule one more group that might possibly have a person who is eight hours time difference. I am already trying to get a schedule with five other people in another group for January-June with a 16-hour time change. YIKES! This group with the eight hours is going from February to May. It is weekly for 1 1/2 hours, but if this person joins, it will extend our time another 15 minutes. Everyone else is excited to have that person join, but they are now traveling, and have not got good reception. So, I am in limbo with the scheduling for that group.

Thus, my realization I am ADDICTED to closure. I have known that about myself. ADD to that ADDICTION a desire to make everyone happy, and I am stressed again.

I had so many years of little stress. I think if the wine waterfall continues, I need to be a little more in charge of my own destiny (meaning let my calendar be set in partnership with God). I have other people who are determining my schedule. Lesson learned: If you build it, they will come. 

Set MY time for the groups, if people cannot make it, they will not sign up for it. They can find another group to join or wait until they can clear their schedule to join. 

I think this is my last year with one of the groups I lead. I love the content. I love the people. But I cannot have someone else be in charge of my time anymore. I am too full up with other things, and when George retires, we will be going away more. I don't want to have just ONE MONTH of freedom in the summer that ends up being full of arrangements for the new crop of people coming in. It is too much for me. 

So there is my fifteen.

Clarify: Love the Wine Waterfall. I just need to know where to stand, and not let people put me underneath it. 

15 minutes. Good clarification for me! 

On to rest and reading. 

(Oh good news, one standing thing I did every Monday and Thursday from 12:15-1:00 pm is being put on hold until January. Woohoo! That is an answer to prayer.) 

Freewrite Fifteen: Touch Grass

Copyright Carol Ann Weaver 

The good news is my Apple Watch has its timer back. I accidentally deleted it a couple of years ago, and I could not get it back. It must have been a glitch. Recently, it reappeared as an option to download.

We are in Government Camp, Oregon at the base of the majestic Mount Hood. A part of me just did not want to go on another vacation after spending 15 days in the Great Lakes, but we wanted a vacation with our fantastic adult children. So, originally, George scheduled two weeks later and 7 hours away. I said, "NOOOO!" Especially since we were going in that same direction at the end of September for John and Katherines and the OMS North American Retreat. 

We were going to go to Southern Oregon, but the wildfires made air quality unhealthy. So, we got the idea of Mt. Hood - 3 hours max in the car to Government Camp. I was pretty stressed still about lot of things, and I felt like I didn't want to go. I had a little mini-breakdown with the family in the car. (We missed a turn-off to a trail, and I just was already very raw from many things, and I just lost it.) Normally, something like that wouldn't bother me, but it did, and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and go back to the condo we rented. But George said, "You need to touch grass." That is a British saying I guess. He was right. After everyone giving me a hug we went to Mirror Lake. Then later that day we hiked around Trillium Lake. The next day was cold and a bit rainy. So, we went to the Museum and ate at the Ratskeller and did a short trail to Little Zig Zag falls when the weather began to clear. That morning, I spent a lot of time journaling, and God clearly said, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Live today." So, I am not worrying anymore about all the people that I am involved with. All I need to do is live today. All the schedules will surely fall into place. I am convinced of it now. 

Yesterday was a hike up to the hut at the base of Mount Hood. Then we ate in the Cascade Dining Room at Timberline. Then we took a tour. Later on that day, we hiked a semi-flat trail to the Enid Lake Loop. It was lovely, and I am relaxed and happy. 

I realized that I work better independently, not having people dictate my life. So, I am holding the future with an open hand. I have the option of running two things independently and two things under the leadership of two different groups. So, I am still discerning the best course of action for that.

Regardless, I am living today. I am all packed up to go back home, but I am no longer going to stress about what is happening in the future. It is a good day TODAY. The sun is shining on us. 

I am also going back to more disciplined eating that I had between January 17th and July 1. I knew that these six to seven weeks would be vacation eating mode. 

So, I think it is 15 minutes. I will pack up this computer after this. I will also post some pictures of our hikes. 

Unfinished Freewrite

I am doing a freewrite like yesterday. Freewrites are typically 15 minutes. So, I will do it during a typical 15-minute halftime for basketball. 

I am watching the Basketball finals for the USA team. It is tied with France. Lots of turnovers on both sides. They do not have the best team for the USA on the floor. The team that should be there was left behind due to politics. It is very subjective how they select teams. 

Fifteen Minute Freewrite for USA Women's Soccer!!!

I'm doing a freewrite during the halftime of the USA vs Brazil Soccer Gold Medal Match.

I don't understand soccer, but it is fun.

I am curious to know how long a soccer halftime is too. I just wanted to write. I was going to read books for my Sabbath, but I feel like the Olympics only comes around once every four years. So, I am watching it. 

I boycotted the last Olympics because of the bad attitudes of, especially, the women's soccer team. The majority probably didn't have a bad attitude, but they got a bad rep because of some who pushed their agenda and were not respectful. So, I was disgusted. 

This team has risen above the politics. I like that. 

Come on USA! You can do it! So, I have had a good morning. I had Centering prayer at 4:30 am with the Meditation Chapel. Then some time in The Reservoir, and I love the simplicity of it. I meditated on Moses praying for the battle with Aaron and Hur holding up his arms. So, I led a Centering Prayer at 6 am with a combo of my worlds. One from the OMS, one from the 2nd Half Collaborative, and two from Sustainable Faith. And the 2HC and OMS people knew each other. That was really cool. 

After that, I went for a great intercessory prayer walk (I also journaled some intercession before that - I listened to God for each person in the Sustainable Faith training. That was cool.) I think that there is more smoke in the air because the sunrise was hazy. 

I had a lot of energy for my walk, but I was SORE. I subbed for summer Pilates. After two months of not teaching, I have sore buns and sore between the shoulder blades. Just a bit, but I feel really energized by it. Thus why I need to keep on teaching even though I am 65 years old. I just don't do it on my own!

George just came back from picking blackberries. 

Back to the Olympics, I have LOVED all the athletes that are living out their faith. They are posting their praise times in the Olympic Village. Sydney who is a hurdler (cannot remember her last name) has been so sweet to talk about her faith. Anywho, it has been really encouraging after feeling so silenced by the Woke abusers. Really has been an abusive rant for many years. I love that they just talk about their faith in Jesus and don't get involved with the political stuff. 

So, I hope those soccer players are resting because apparently, their ace player has been resting for the first half. So, she will be fresh and coming into the game. Go USA!!!

So, how much time is left? 5 minutes left. So, I know that halftime is at least 10 minutes. (I set a 15-minute timer which is standard for a freewrite.)

I am going to go to reading my books. I am 11 books behind on my reading goals for the year. Maybe I will not meet them this year. That might be really helpful. 

OK, the soccer commentators say, "Not very many looks." That must mean that they have not had too many times where they worked the ball down near the goal they needed to score at. "Looks" at the goal? I know that seems like I should know that, but soccer was not a sport when I was growing up. It came to our town when I was about a freshman in high school, and it was just club soccer. There was no high school soccer, and I just remember it being for the little kids and not for the teenagers. We are so behind the world when it comes to soccer. 

Well, there is 1 minute 20 seconds. I may complete this before the halftime is done. Maddy is telling me some rules as I go. 

Oh, it is starting. So I guess it is about 15 minutes! Who knew! 

TaTa for NOW! 

GO USA!!!!! 

I just Googled it: A halftime is exactly the length of a freewrite! Perfect! https://www.sportingnews.com/us/soccer/news/soccer-halftime-how-long-football-games-rules-break/503835c06e1d42064ec394ad

Wednesday Morning Freewrite

I am doing a straight fifteen-minute freewrite.

I am refreshed and rested, only to wake up to a stomach flu ("Selesma sakit"). So, I am rescheduling with the kids I was going to do spiritual direction with. I have questioned whether I should do this class, but it will benefit me in many ways. I don't think it will be that much extra time, just extra scheduling for me. That is always the difficulty: scheduling takes time and emotional energy. Meeting with people is the easy part. I have a lot of energy for that. 

I am rested though. I had some time to take a long walk after I met with two people and a group in the morning, and I was not in charge of the group. That was nice. 

So here we go. The school year is starting even though it is only August. We have people from out of town here, and we will probably be hosting something for them. 

I also start my class in six days. So that is "school" starting. Also, the Sustainable Faith Cohort starts before the official OSU starts. I am only teaching on Fridays. They have a new person who can fill the other days. So, I might just stick to Fridays and sub for her when she needs it. I am fine with that. 

Yesterday was lovely. I loved resting and watching the Olympics. Then we went to Katherine's parents' house for a BBQ and friends. It was so nice. I love those people so much. I feel so comfortable with all of them. 

If I don't meet with the kids, I don't have anything today. I think, after the retreat that I am helping put on, I will take an inactive role with my Order. I have such a full time on my plate, and I think asking myself, "Should I go to this or that" really weighs heavily on my mind in the mornings. I think I had stopped trying to schedule my mornings around that half hour. I love it, but I would rather not have that pressure of feeling like I "should" be doing something. I have so many early mornings with directees that it will be good not to have that on top of everything else. I really liked the session that Aisha led recently though. I will be sensitive to the Spirit's leading, but I really have so much on my plate - all things I have dreamed about. I will always be thankful for the Order though because I tried out so many group spiritual direction things with them. It gave me a laboratory for learning that I carry with me to this day. 

There is a part of me that feels rejected and unwanted, but I don't think that is a fair and true assessment of the situation either. I think it is more me. They are going through tremendous growing pains, and I don't want to contribute to their "pains." I think it is time to become inactive and reevaluate in June when I am done with the Sustainable Faith shadowing, 19th and 18th annotation groups of the Spiritual Exercises, Renovare Book Club, and 2HC. Then, I can reevaluate what is next. Since I will be starting my own spiritual direction training school, I will probably need to put a lot of time and energy into that. 

I need to pull back. It is my social instinct running wild. It will be good. 

Oh yes, I will also need to gather information about the other training. I have been asked to train directors starting in October 2025. I want to say yes to this because of the connections I will get with other like-hearted people. 

Fifteen minutes. That was really good. 

Monday Morning Freewrite

I am going to have a 15 minute freewrite. I might go to OMS 2nd Watch, and I might not. 

I tried to do a freewrite yesterday, but I had some things that happened where my lid flipped. 

My fight or flight (thumb part of this illustration) was totally exposed, and I really wanted to first, be mad (fight), and second, quit (flight) what I was doing. I wrote "I want to quit," but someone who is a part of this thing made me go, "Oh, what about _____?" Then George came in the room, and I unloaded my frustrations. We prayed, and I really poured my heart out, "Where are you God in all of this?" I prayed for others involved; that God would speak to them. I asked for prayer from the OMS and K, N, D,  and our community. It was really good. Things began to lift. I also know that Saturday was so full that I got NO exercise, and that did not help my lid (prefrontal cortex) to go back over my limbic system. 

So, George took me out to eat at Pop's Branding Iron for good, old-fashioned, American comfort food. Then we went for a walk in a new part of Peavy Arboreteum (our usual route was closed). Ah. Then, I called D and spelled out the whole scenario, and she empathized and validated my reality. 

Then! God did speak to the primary person who was causing all the stir (there were others involved, but it was centered around the drama that one person created)! I got the sweetest text that actually empathized with the bad position she had put me in (on two previous instances, there seemed to be no empathy and the person just steam-rolled over me verbally in a group situation). God had already brought me back to a place of peace, but that was icing on the cake for me. 

My lid had not flipped in so long, but I think I was LOW BATTERY (that is why I chose the picture above). I came back from vacation to too much. I had wanted an extra week to go through my pictures and enter back in. I did a bit of that, but so much of it was organizing the groups I am leading. One is all my leading and no one is over me or assigning me people. The other one IS being assigned people, and I was not given full information about my group, and some decisions were made without talking to me that made for some difficulty that culminated in the "lid flip." I tried to speak up, but it was a decision that I had to live with. I did not feel like I got much empathy or understanding. This group is not my only gig, and maybe I like having a little more say in my life for the next 10 months. In the last two cycles, it has turned out really well, but the first cycle, it was very stressful for me, but I did OK. I just wish I could be consulted and especially given information about the people that I am to have in my group. The first group, I would have asked for a change of people. It caused me great stress, but E and A were there to validate my reality when I heard the news of who would be in my group. I guess I had to realize that it is OK for me to say, "NO, I'm not going to get up at 3:30 in the morning to accommodate the time zone of that person." To me, it is a no-brainer that that would probably not be a good fit for me, but I don't think anyone cared what I thought. That was hard for me. I can also see things more down the road than many strong "Intuitives" (This is the Myers-Briggs definition of intuitive and not the dictionary definition of it.) They are idealists and do not always see the practical implication of things. 

All that to say (my timer went off, but I am going to keep on going), I am wondering if this is my last year. I think it will depend on whether I have a full cohort of people who I will be training in Body and Soul Companion Spiritual Direction Training (BASCSDT - I just wrote that for the first time, and it looks funny to me.) I am going to have three to start with and maybe six. We will see.

So now I am going to stop. I only have one directee today. Things are slowing down. I am allowing God to recharge my low-battery.