Wednesday Morning Freewrite Fifteen

I have a rare thing: a clean calendar day in the middle of the week! We take regular Sabbath Days, but that is usually Saturday or Sunday with Monday through Friday as our work days, but I woke up this morning and looked, and NOTHING!

Yesterday was meeting with someone who might intern with me as I train spiritual directors next year, if I do an online version of what I am doing in person. It is exciting because she is living in Asia where people do not have the money to go to spiritual direction training. So, we are trying to dream up something online for her to do once she is trained by me.

It is all quite exciting. So, much of my day yesterday was looking at that.

Then, I went to my Spiritual Accompaniment of Children class. I am halfway through. Woohoo. I have loved the four kids I have been meeting with. I might try to meet with kids from another family if God plops them in my lap.

All that to say is that extra hours per week contributed to a pretty busy fall. Still, I am done with the OMS Retreat, my 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises, and the 2nd Half Collaborative small group (campfire) started sailing (after a rather bumpy start). I have the dates for the 18th Annotation on the calendar. I have also started the time with the 2nd Half Collaborative directee assigned to me. I also started my Pilates class at a new time that is much better for attendance. My class has quadrupled in size! (So good to force myself to do a full Pilates routine. I will do this for a long time to come.) 

Whew. It has been a FULL FALL, but most has been the puzzle of scheduling all the components:

1. Renovare Book Club
2. Boller Cohort
3. Spiritual Accompaniment of Children Class
4. Spiritual Direction with four children (over 12/10)
5. 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises
6. 18th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises
7. 2nd Half Collaborative Campfire
8. OMS Centering Prayer (on hold until Jan)
9. OMS Occasional Prayer Watch Subbing
10. Pilates OSU
11. 17 Individual Directees and Supervisees
12. Elder/Staff with spouses gatherings for church
13. Interacting Cross-Culturally Class we are team teaching (over 10/27)
14. OMS Retreat (done on 10/2)

So, there you go. It is all in the calendar! 

The nice thing is becoming somewhat inactive in the OMS for this season (still lead Centering Prayer starting back up in January and subbing periodically) 

Wow, that was fast. 

TaTa for Now! 

How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

I wish I could remember how I came across this book. I put it on hold and had to wait many months. In the meantime, I had forgotten why I put it on hold!

All that to say I LOVED this book. It might rank up there as one of my favorites of the year. It is so insightful and so what spiritual directors do as what David Brooks terms, illuminators. It was great, and I might put it in the training that I am starting for spiritual director in September 2025.

The Bell Jar

Hahaha. The whole time I was reading this, I thought it was on my 1000 Books to Read Before You Die List, and it had just been forgotten from the list on ListChallenge, it was never on the list but recommended that it should be on the list by someone on James Mustich's website! It is on many other lists though. So, I am glad I read it. 

I am only 25 books away from the next spot on ListChallenge! WOOHOO! (I love to challenge myself.) 

It is semi-autobiographical about a girl who has a breakdown and tries to end her life. In the end, she decides to live, but sadly, the author killed herself a month after publication. 

It is another sad book. I am going to read some happier books for a while! 

Spiritual Direction: An Introduction

This is my third reading. It is my favorite book on spiritual direction. It is very detailed and practical. During my training, we read it in one sitting. This time (in my training to be a trainer), we are reading it one chapter at a time in the second year. I think this is better.

It is so full of resources! It also has examples of actual direction sessions that can be very helpful. 

Noticing

I loved this little book! The illustrations are so beautiful. It is all about noticing the beauty all around you in nature and people. 

I will use it with both adults and children!

Praying In Color

 

I had read the Kid's Edition of this book. I liked reading the adult edition to give more background to the whole thing. It is a great thing, and I actually was able to try it out with three delightful sisters ranging in age from 5-10, and it was SO FUN!

Then I had one of my directees. Her pastor had given it to her when she was a teenager. It is a great thing to do for adults and kids alike! 

Some Said They Blundered

I saw a podcast on YouTube with this author. I finished his book within 24 hours. He has a unique perspective having been Mike Mickle's brother-in-law and friend from an early age. He gives such valuable insight into the initial forming of the IHOPKC. Worth the read, in my humble opinion.

Here is the podcast I watched: 

He helps people who are part of the trail of dead bodies that have resulted from spiritual abuse. He has some really great insights into how to heal (as he had to heal).

Here are eye-opening statistics from his book:

Ministry Burnout Statistics 

Warning, reality check: In their book, Finishing Well in Life and Ministry,  Bill Mills and Craig Parro share some startling ministry statistics. 

•   1,500 pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches. 

•   80% of pastors and 84% of their spouses feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastors.

•   50% are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could but have no other way of making a living. 

•   70% said the only time they spend studying the Word is when they are preparing their sermons. 

•   Almost 40% polled said they have had an extra-marital affair since beginning their ministry. 

•   80% of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years. 

•   90% of pastors said their seminary or Bible school training did only a “fair to poor” job preparing them for ministry. 

•   Pastors are 35% more likely to be terminated if they work less than 50 hours weekly. 

•   80% of pastors believe their ministry negatively affects their families. 

•   80% of pastors say they do not have sufficient time to spend with their spouse. 

•   55% of pastors receive support and accountability from a small group. 

•   45.5% of pastors have experienced burnout/depression and had to take a break from ministry. 

•   57% of pastors do not have a regularly scheduled and implemented exercise routine. 

So, what’s behind these grim numbers? A broken system and unrealistic expectations on both sides of the equation. Those who chose the ministry to gain significance and security wake up one day and realize they have neither. Those who look to church leaders to give them significance and security also find themselves disappointed as those two things can only come from a relationship with God.

Scott, Bob. Some Said They Blundered: Breaking My Decades Of Silence On Mike Bickle, The Kansas City Prophets and International House of Prayer- Kansas City (pp. 172-174). Joseph Company Global. Kindle Edition. 

The Principle and Foundation: Boundless Love

This embed is from https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ignatian-meditations/episodes/Boundless-Love-e2mtu2j 

Since I posted this, I typed out the script so people can follow along if they want to. 

Here is a link to download the document.

Here is the script:

Boundless Love

A Meditation on a Contemporary Translation by Andy Otto of God in All Things

INTRODUCTION

The Principle and Foundation is a cornerstone of Ignatian spirituality written by Saint Ignatius of Loyola as part of his Spiritual Exercises. It serves as a guiding light, illuminating our fundamental purpose in relation to God and creation. Ignatius saw the Principle and Foundation as a profound statement of our human existence. He believed that understanding our ultimate purpose: to praise, reverence, and serve God, provides the framework for all of life’s decisions and experiences. This foundational concept invites us to recognize God’s love as a source of our being and to orient our lives toward deepening our relationship with the Divine. I invite you now to rest in this loving source in the presence of God as we listen to a contemporary wording of the Principle and Foundation.

PRINCIPLE AND FOUNDATION

We are brought into existence by a God of boundless love with the ultimate purpose of sharing in eternal communion with this Divine source. Our lives are an opportunity to respond to this love, allowing it to flow through us and transform us.

Everything we encounter in this world, our experiences, relationships, talents, and challenges are potential pathways to deeper connection with God. These aspects of our lives can serve as bridges leading us to a more profound understanding of divine love and enabling us to express our love in return.

However, we must be discerning. When we cling too tightly to any created thing or experience, making it the center of our existence, we can inadvertently create barriers between ourselves and God, hindering our spiritual growth.

Therefore, we are called to cultivate a balanced approach to life, whether we face joy or sorrow, success or failure, abundance or scarcity, we are invited to see each circumstance as an opportunity for spiritual deepening. Our level of comfort, social status, or lifespan should not be our primary concern.

Instead, our fundamental desire and choice should be this: to align ourselves to whatever draws us into a more profound, life-giving relationship with God. This alignment becomes our compass, guiding us toward our true purpose and ultimate fulfillment.

PONDERINGS

We are brought into existence by a God of boundless love. Consider the vastness of the universe and the intricacy of your own being. In this context, what does it mean to you that you were personally created by a loving God? How might this shape your understanding of your life’s purpose?

Let us now consider life’s potential pathways to deeper connection with God. Think of a recent experience that brought you joy. How might this experience be inviting you into a deeper relationship with God?

Now, consider a recent challenge. What might this difficulty be teaching you about God’s presence in your life?

We often hear the phrase: God is love. Reflect on the idea that our lives are an opportunity to respond to this love, allowing it to flow through us and transform us. What areas of your life feel most transformed by God's love, and where do you feel resistance to this transformative love?

We are cautioned against clinging too tightly to any created thing or experience. Examine your heart. What do you hold most dear? How much do you honor and appreciate this while still maintaining God as the center of your life? What would it look like to loosen your grip on this aspect of your life?

Consider the invitation to cultivate a balanced approach to life. Reflect on a recent decision you made: large or small. How might this decision have been different if your primary goal was to draw into a more profound life-giving relationship with God? What would it mean for you to use this as your compass in daily life?

Now speak with God about anything that is rising up in your heart.

PRAYER

Boundless and loving creator we stand of your infinite love that brought us into being. Open our eyes to see the pathways to you in all our experiences. Grant us the wisdom to hold life's gifts with open hands, and the courage to align our choices with your divine invitation.

May each moment draw us into deeper communion with you, transforming us and flowing through us to touch the world.

In gratitude and love, we offer ourselves to you.

SONG

In the silence of the dawn

I contemplate what I was born for

To love, to serve, to find my way

Back to the one who formed me from clay

 

In your presence I am whole

Your love the anchor of my soul

All creation sings your praise

Guide me Lord through all my days

 

Riches, honor, length of days

Are but shadows in your gaze

Sickness, health, or poverty

Your love remains my treasuring

 

In your presence I am whole

Your love the anchor of my soul

All creation sings your praise

Guide me Lord through all my days

 

Thursday Morning Thirty Freewrite: Our California Adventure

 I am still determining where I got this quote, but I like it. Unobstruct my heart, God! 

We drove 10 hours and 24 minutes from Mt. Hermon in the Santa Cruz mountains yesterday to our lovely home in Corvallis, Oregon. We were going to stop in Dunsmuir at our favorite Railroad Park Resort (been stopping there since 1997), but why not just blitz it HOME? (I just interrupted my freewrite because I heard a "Welcome Back" from my sweet youngest child. So I had to get up and give him a hug!)

My heart is full. I am thinking about the memories of our first experience at Mt. Hermon. I think the grounds there are amazing, and Renee gave the couples the BEST accommodations called "Lakeside"! Wow. Mt. Hermon is NOT cheap to stay at, but I loved that our room had two twins, a double bed, and a two-sink bathroom. It was also air-conditioned, and that was great because that area had an unusual heat wave come in. It was 97 degrees on the main day of the retreat!

I also thought the food was excellent and the staff was lovely. The meeting rooms were lovely.

It was a "Statio" retreat of the Order of the Mustard Seed. I met some fabulous people, and I think I am glad I went.

The reason why I say, "I think" is because it got off to a rough start emotionally for me, and I even told George that I wanted to leave early the next morning after all the things I was leading were done. I just didn't feel safe. But I told a woman I didn't even know that I didn't feel safe, and she prayed for me. As she prayed, some things were not what I meant by not feeling safe, and I was able to clarify, and she was really encouraging. 

It is all about connection for me, and I know that my "compulsion to connect" is part of my primary instinct running wild! 

I was also nervous about leading the things that I was leading because I wanted the participants to just get my handouts and choose to do a "Walk with God in Nature" and "Summer Examen" during their free time. But things were more structured than that. So it was Art at 1:30 (Barb led this), the above at 2:45, and Meditation and Movement that I led at 3:30.  So that wasn't what I expected. I don't know how I missed the part where I would be able to discuss with the team how the retreat would be structured, but I think the Type 3 and Type 8 (both "Move-against" leader types on the Enneagram) people did that, and there was no team discussion. 

Also, I was told NOT to make copies of my handouts (which I wrote in June because I didn't know how they wanted me to participate in this retreat, but I wanted to be ready with some options - plus, I have loved having them for my directees, and one of the handouts was used for the 2HC blog - two birds with one stone thing). 

The leader told me that they would have it available digitally for everyone, but then there was no digital option so I woke up that morning stressed and wondering if I was supposed to do that, and how would I create that other than as each person came in, sending it to them via text (and not having their numbers) or AirDropping it for them if they had an iPhone. (I'm sure I could have created a QR code, but I don't know how to do that, but I will learn.) 

So I went into the morning meeting (after a fabulous opening prayer led by the person I adored meeting and one of the reasons God had me at the retreat - Casey, you are the bomb. I adore you.) feeling so unstable and emotional! I want to please and connect with the leadership, be included on the team (but I am not part of the 24-7 Prayer group - felt on the outs there), etc. I'm glad I could be open and honest with this young woman I don't know. 

I'm glad she prayed. Right after that, within a half hour, one of the leaders said, "Oh Carol, I made all the copies for you." Also, she connected with me! (Water to this thirsty soul.) That is what I wanted, and I had prayed that she would reach out. You see. I went through many planning meetings since March with people I didn't know (except one who invited me to come in the first place, he is so welcoming and loving and was my sponsor for the OMS) who have very strong personalities. It isn't that I don't have a strong personality, but I am not a Type 3 or Type 8. I am a Type 2. And sometimes, in my unhealthiness mentioned above, I want to connect before I have business/retreat logistics to talk about or a task to perform. 

So, she reached out to me. Then I had the handouts. George leaned over to me and said, "Does this change your perspective a bit?"

Also, I initiated with one of the leaders asking if I could sit with her during lunch. It was lovely. I was "Boldly Beloved" (because the speaker had talked about our identity names - and Katherine, George, and I are all over that one because living into our true identity is what our community is about). I moved toward a person. YAY! 

 Then I led my things, and the sweetest people participated with me. I loved the small group of three people who came for meditation and movements where the main breath prayer was "He sees me. He knows me. He loves me. I am safe." I repeated it over and over again for me as well. Thank you K, A, and JM for coming to this little class in the dark! I even blessed them with "Blessing Balm"! 

Then, during the last thing I led, Centering Prayer, I got a crazy idea to use actual rocks for my "Drop the Stones" exercise I do metaphorically with my directees and groups. Eight people came, and my comfort blankets of George, Meredith, and Katherine came (who know me well because we have been in community for a long time). And new people I grew to cherish over the two days. We dropped REAL stones, and the sound was really impactful. At least it was for George and me as we talked about it afterward (in fact, God put something to replace the stones in George's hand once he put his empty palms up - wow). 

So, then I went to the evening meeting, and my heart was so glad and palms up to God. I sat behind one of the other leaders, and she turned around and said, "You are extraordinary. Can we have lunch together tomorrow?" Say what? Me - extraordinary? Wow! But the thing was not so much that she complimented me, but she connected with me. I had let go of the compulsion (dropped that stone, baby), and lifted my open hands up to God, and he gave me what I now desired with a new heart.

So, I went to the poetry reading (with cheese and communion elements), and God nudged me to be a "Green Gecko" (Thanks Maddy, for the prophetic word over me.) and read my poem about my dad that I wrote in January 2023. I felt stupid for sharing it afterward (still working on that aspect of my shame), but the other leader (the last one - and in many ways, the hardest one to crack) reached over to me after I shared and clasped my arm and said something really encouraging (I cannot remember what she said). 

So there you go. I was compelled to read a poem about my earthly father's love for me and how it helps me see my Heavenly Father in the same way. 

So, I laughed the next morning during my time with Him, and thought, "What a difference 24 hours makes!" 

George was pretty sure I would change my mind, but he didn't say that at the time. He is SO GOOD to me. 

I was glad I came, but I also think that I am going to need to make a pivot for a season to write my spiritual direction training curriculum and invest really deeply in the groups doing the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius and finish well with the 2HC for my last year with them. So, I will be inactive for a season because I must "postpone my dream no longer and do at last what I came here for and waste my heart on fear no more" (I should have read that John O'Donohue poem in the "Poetry Slam"). 

I also just LOVED that Katherine came at the last minute and that we invited her friend! I think they were both blessed. Having Katherine in my "band" with Casey was also a blessing! What a good group. It was good to be with Meredith too. I told this woman who prayed for me that I was glad my "people" were also there. That made me stick it out. I'm glad I did.

The time with Katherine and John in Monterey Bay was also super special! Worth the long drive. Memories of Scottish Bagpipes at sunset on a golf green while sipping a hot cocktail and being at the Fishwife enjoying Pasta Portofino and Key Lime Pie after 34 years was a memory I will have etched in my memory forever. So special. Also, just to be with people you adore and feel so comfortable with was such a blessing! Oh, Katherine's whale story was so special. (And John makes the best Jameson's Hot Toddy and Katherine the best sourdough bread! Yum and yummy friends.) 

So, this is way more than 30 minutes, but I got it all out there for anyone who sees my blog! LOL! (I write like no one will read, but I see that a few do.) 

The Virgin Suicides

Haunting and brilliant.

This book was beautifully written. It is a depressing subject but such a page-turner. I could not put it down. 

Since my "coming of age" was also around this time, it made it that much more intriguing (and I went to Detroit for the first time this year). 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

That Jeffrey Eugenides has made something magical and rare out of subject matter on the one hand so sensational—a quintet of suicides all in the same family, all in the same year—and so banal—coming of age in a suburb of Detroit in the 1970s (complete with soundtrack by Jim Croce, Bread, Carole King, and their contemporaries)—is a source of lasting wonder. The story is told by a collective narrator, a “we” who speaks for a group of boys who, as adolescents, are besotted with the mystifying Lisbon sisters, and, as adults, have remained transfixed by memories of the girls’ mysterious lives and unfortunate ends. Summoning a voice that embodies with expressive exactitude a quality of growing up that has slipped through the sentences of most novels concerned with it, Eugenides captures its nature as a communal experience with breathtaking, heartbreaking sympathy.

Carrying the Fire (1000 Books to Read)

I loved this book. My dad's company was one fo the contractors for the space program. So, this look at NASA in the 1960s was delightful. 

Collins is an amazing writer too. Loved it!

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Jul 31, 2018

An unrivaled account of the greatest adventure of our time—perhaps of all time—told by one of its protagonists, Carrying the Fire remains too little known. Collins was a member of the three-man crew of Apollo 11 on the first lunar landing mission, in July 1969; while his colleagues Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin explored the moon’s surface, Collins remained aboard the command module, circling in space and preparing for the critical re-docking maneuvers. Alert to the anxieties and apprehensions of both astronauts and engineers, Collins tellingly communicates the human drama of the historic flight even as he commemorates the heroic dimensions of a feat of physical, technological, and personal daring that the vagaries of modern wonder still keep us from aptly honoring. A man on the moon—imagine that!

Germinal (1000 Books to Read)

I watched a movie about Zola many years ago because I watched all the Oscar winners. The film about his life won in 1938. I have always wanted to read a book by him, so I was delighted to see it on Mustich's list.

The guy can write. It is depressing. Why are French novels often so depressing? 

The cry of the poor is the theme. 

Here is why James Mustich thinks it should be one of the 1000 Books You Read Before You Die:

James Mustich

Aug 9, 2018

You don’t write a cycle of twenty novels unless you’re an uncommonly ambitious writer. And Émile Zola, the engineer of literary naturalism in nineteenth-century France, was nothing if not ambitious. He wanted to capture in prose the entirety of French society—rich and poor, urban and rural—under the Second Empire. The outstanding novel of Zola’s cycle is Germinal, a gritty portrayal of a coal miners’ strike in northern France in the 1860s. Germinal, with its unsparing look at lives and labors of the working class, is an exceptionally gripping novel. In the darkness of the coal pits it illuminates signal battles of the coming age: between labor and capital, between nature and industry, and between the promise of socialism and the hazards of its practice. The author’s contemporaries certainly bore witness to its impact: When Zola died in Paris in 1902, crowds followed his coffin as a parade carried it to the Montmartre cemetery. As the cortège passed, they shouted one word: “Germinal!”